» Best and worst TV ads

my problem with advertising is fairly broad...
Speaking as one who makes a living in this godawful trade, the real problem is around the media as a whole in that, with the dawn of PC and positive discrimination, you've got ads like the Diet Coke ones where it's ok for a bunch of women to ogle a guy, but the other way round would (possibly) have them in court. Or ones that say "my husband's so feckin thick he tried to clean the cooker with cornflakes, the twat - so I told him to use Cif".

The rules are:
1) It's ok to make a white man look thicker than his wife because that can't be sexist/racist/homophobic. Despite the fact that women/non-whites/gays can all be bigoted as hell.

2) You can pitch a TV show where you have a bunch of gay guys telling a straight guy his clothes are shit, but you'd be flogged in the street if you pitched a show where straight guys taught a hideously camp queen how to drive a forklift or blend in with football fans. The only way you can do anything like that is to skew the content so that the people that are doing the "teaching" look like assholes.

3) You'll never see a black cop/soldier/mcdonalds fry-cook being berated by a white captain/sergeant/store manager in a film, unless the white guy is being portrayed as either nasty to everyone EXACTLY EQUALLY, or is a racist. Same goes with homophobia.

4) You'll never see a film in which the "plain jane" slightly chubby girl doesn't suddenly become successful and popular or overcome her thin, blonde, pretty and rich enemy.

The reason is that this cultural influence stems from the US and basically, they'll sue anyone for anything over there...

People criticise adverts for perfumes or cars for being obtuse, but the reality is that if you put out an ad that said "our perfume is nice, it smells like apples", you'd have some burger-munching fuckwit trying to sue because they felt it wasn't "apple-y" enough or because it smelled more of pears and that caused them emotional trauma because their uncle once fingered them in a pear orchard, etc.

Advertisers would love to say "buy a ferrari - it's faster than a Mondeo and really nice to look at", but they can't because they'd either be sued by someone who a) felt it wasn't nice to look at, or b) owned a Mondeo and felt that a Ferrari wasn't faster, etc.

You can't say "Buy Armani, don't dress at Primark - you'll look smarter than a chav in a £3 tracksuit", despite the obvious truth of it because either Primark or a £3-tracksuit-wearing chancer will see you end up in court.

Basically, the good ads went the way of the dodo because you have to either do something "wacky" or something so PC it kills any fun or direct messaging in order to avoid falling foul of the lawyers. So, every chocolate ad has some fit bird eating a chocolate bar on the sofa (because eating chocolate on the sofa doesn't make you fat, obviously, only a sexist pig would suggest that), rather than the Milk Tray Man ads which people used to look forward to. The only humour can be totally non-offensive (or non-existant, as all humour picks on somebody, after all), and there can be no stereotyping unless it directly denegrates white heterosexual males....

Shame, really - it's buggered creativity.

The problem isn't the ads - it's the letigious twats who've made everyone in the media afraid of their own bloody shadow.
(Tue 20th Apr 2010, 17:15, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Gordon Brown...
Look, I know it's been your dream to play at running the country and that your jug-eared friend said he'd let you have a go in much the same way that a kid with a new Playstation says he'll let his poorer mate come round to play it, but then refuses to give up the controller. I know you really, really, wanted to fulfil your eogtistical power fantasies, presumably as a way of getting over the fact you were probably bullied through school and were the unfit wheezy kid that everyone picked on.

I understand that you thought letting the countries finances be run by people whose expertise was based on their ability to wear a suit and lie convincingly was a good idea and that, presumably, you had some thought that meant lending money to those who couldn't afford to repay it in order to secure the votes of the underclasses who felt life was good as they ordered Plasma TVs they couldn't actually pay for was probably sound political thinking.

I understand that you think that spending more on a political witch-hunt over expenses than the expenses claimed had cost was sensible.

I understand that you thought that devolving the UK into petty squabbling factions was genius, despite the fact that Scotland is now a haven for public services that are funded out of the English Parliament (after all, if Scotland, Ireland and Wales are self-governing, then surely England should be, as well).

I understand that you think sending troops into battle with equipment that a boy scout would turn down and under-funding the compensation and treatement of the poor sods who are being blown apart is good fiscal probity, whilst awarding bonuses and medals to Labour civil servants who happen to pass over Afghanistan on a quick jolly is fine.

I understand that it's not fair that people say you're unelected because in the UK we elect the party, not the leader, despite the fact that you have changed the way the party manifesto is headed, thus negating the points on which your party gained power.

I understand you think it's fine to sling accusations of corruption at any competitors, whilst re-hiring and offering a peerage to a man who had to efectively flee the country to a quiet job in the EU over huge scandals over corruption.

I understand that it's not fair to criticise the fact you can't even be bothered to spell a soldier's name correctly in a letter when he has given his life for this country and that it's unfair to blame the fact you're blind in one eye and obviously care about no-one other than yourself.

I understand that you feel it is fine to create an atmosphere in your own cabinet where no-one would even tell you the uilding is on fire in case you attack them, where you can accept no personal responsibility for any decisions you have made that have gone wrong or which have been found out to be deliberately misleading or dishonest.

I understand this all, Mr Brown, because you are a cunt. I, and 90% of the british public, wouldn't piss on your gums if your teeth were on fire. How can we trust the leadership of the country to a man whose long-term vision matches his monocular outlook on life? I'm surprised the helmet you wore when trying to look "down with the lads" visiting the troops in Basra didn't have a fucking bullseye on it - why, after all the por sods who have been shot, a sniper couldn't have hit you will remain a mystery to me. Presumably it's because you made a deal with the devil you soul-less slack-jawed, pious twat.

Yours Sincerely, etc...
(Thu 4th Mar 2010, 14:34, More)

» Food sabotage

"of course it's Linda McCartney..."
I'm not a vegetarian - let's just make that clear. I have canine teeth and, given that we don't have a second stomach required for chewing the cud, I am firmly in the "say yes to meat" camp.

However, I have known a few vegetarians in my time and most are pretty laid back - they don't make a show of preaching the PETA meat-is-murder-milk-is-poison nonsense and, aside from being a bit pasty looking, they are sound people. However, just as there is always one bad apple in any barrel, there is always one militant Veggie that will ruin a nice evening to claim the Guardian-reading moral high ground.

Well one such numpty turned up at a barbecue I was holding. He wasn't invited, but he was the friend of my wife's friend and I didn't mind. Right up until we had the whole "You must use a separate grill for my food because I don't want it tainted with dead carcass" lecture.

Now, I am a firm believer in the idea that if, out of a desire to be a good host, I am supposed to provide a veggie with a non-meat meal, it is only right that they should return the favour if I eat at their place, or at least they should be pleasant to the person who is putting them up and feeding them. But no, this emaciated ponce was doing his best to ruin the party and make 15 other guest feel uncomfortable by ranting about the evils of the Ribeye steaks that were sizzling on the grill. But the most vengeance went to the burgers - he made up all sorts of crap about how they were mainly filler, rat and hoof (despite my wife and I making them from home-minced steak that day) and generally getting up my nose. So, after drinking four of my beers he presents me with a box of Linda McCartney/Quorn FakeBurgers and his pompous instructions on how to cook them.

On his departure to the lounge (presumably to harrass the other guests), I threw them in the bin, cooked him two burgers well done, put them in buns, with cheese and sauce and handed them over. He scarfed the lot, whilst saying how nice they were and how we should all try these veggie burgers as we wouldn't miss meat. Meanwhile, I was curled up on my kness on the patio crying with laughter. Along with the three other vegetarians at the party, who were horrified by his behaviour.

I'm a bad, bad man...
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 16:07, More)

» The Credit Crunch

media twattery...
Yes, there is a recession, caused by a bunch of cunts (have you ever met a Merchant Banker? Arrogant wankers to a man and generally thick as pig-shit, but "Father is the Earl of blah-di-blah-shire") lending money to feckless morons who thought borrowing £20k at 40% interest when they didn't have a job and lived in housing, that I (and other tax payers) have basically given them out of charity, was a good idea.

On the basis of this monumentally stupid thinking, the said B/Wankers then sell that debt to other banks as optential income and use this to borrow ever larger amounts of money. The reality is that if everyone with a bank account went into their local branch and asked to empty their account, there wouldn't be enough money to do so - it's all smoke and mirrors.

So, we are now in a situation where idiots won't lend to morons because their stupidity has caused a house of cards with no cards at the bottom to collapse - purely because someone had the balls to turn round and say "actually, I think I'd rather take the money than keep playing this game".

Interest rates go up, we all suffer, they go down and tehre is another reason given for us to continue suffering. Usually by some shiny faced cunt in a blue Gieves and Hawkes suit who works for one of the banks who caused the fucking problems in the first place.

Then we ahve the media who are loving every second - "House prices crash!" (only where they were stupidly over-inflated in the first place), "Unemployment soars!" (well, it's gone up a bit, but we've had basically 3+Million out of work since about 1999/2000, but Labour called them something else, so they weren't "unemployed), "Worst recession since the last one!" (not as bad as 1987 where everything died on its ass, or the last time we had a Labour government tax-and-spending it's way into a four day week and the total collapse of British Industry, complete with power cuts to domestic housing). Basically, it's the latest thing and they are on it like flies on shit.

If everyone turned off Sky News (and their "Everything's fine, so PANIC!" attitude), went out and saw that the streets aren't awash with looters, paedos and murderers, that you can still buy what you need (as long as you actually have cash for it and can, thus, afford it) - you can buy whatever you like. The only businesses that have failed are those that were a) failing before this recession hit and, b) those with fundamentally bad business practices.

If we stop listening to people who think that £40k wage plus an £80k bonus makes for a bad year for financial advice and just go and ask our mums and dads who have lived through World Wars, rationing, the Cold War, the Winter of Discontent, three recessions that I can remember and god knows what else, I think we would find that things aren't actually bad at all - we're not being bombed or told to be a soldier and fight in a war, for a start...

Twats in banks and twats in the in media are fuelling this thing between themselves, so I say we all just ignore them and do what is needed. What do you reckon?

Sorry about the length, but I needed that rant!
(Thu 22nd Jan 2009, 16:58, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Just say no to the dumper - confuses the hell out of them...
The time I have done it to someone was during a row with my then fiancee. She had gotten a bit drunk, seen an innocent conversation with a friend as an attempt to pull someone else, then gone mental. I was rather stoned and when she said "that's it! It's all over - I hate you and never want to see you again", I replied with "No it's not. It's not over, because there's no need for you to be in this state. You've got the wrong end of the stick and you don't want to ruin things and kick yourself when you're seeing things clearly."

She huffed off and passed out on the bed. We got married in December. It's a really useful tool to keep a realtionship alive, because if you say it calmly and reasonably, there's not any really easy comeback that can be flung in the heat of a screaming tantrum - the only thing I can think of that might be as successful at derailing a dumping (which are usually brought about by a girl getting her knickers in a twist and then asking her female friends about how men think - like they know) would be to randomly quote facts:

"I hate you, you don't do anything for me and my friends say I'm crazy to be with you"

"If you take the atomic weight of a molecule and measure out that number of grams of the substance, there will be 1x10^23 Molecules of the substance in it"

"Huh? But anyway, as I was saying - I don't think it's working out..."

"Carrots should really be blue."

"For a while now I've... hang on, BLUE?!"

"Yeah, it's down to the pigments in the carrot, but the most common one reflects blue/green light, so they should appear blue".

Give it a try - after all, at that point it's got to be worth a punt!

Oh, by the way ladies, your female friends don't understand men. Men maybe understand men, women possibly understand women. You credit us with far too much depth of emotion - your female friends will tell you that your chap has done something out of malice, or a convulted plot to damage your self esteem or to derail your plans for the wedding you started planning two weeks after you met him. It's all bollocks.

The truth is, he is genuinely unaware of half the crap you think he's done on purpose and only vaguely aware of the ramification of things he's tried to do for you. Any man who tells you he understands exactly how you feel is either a) Gay or, b) a Liar. We don't understand you - how can we, when you can bleed for a week each month and not die - we cut our finger and want a bandage and a trip to A&E. We love you dearly, but we don't understand you. In the same way, don't attribute female thought processes to a species that will still laugh at it's own flatulence if left in same-sex company and, it has to be said, even go so far as to call other members of the species into the room to witness a particularly fine bouquet... We're nowhere near as complex as you give us credit. After all, when was the last time you saw a man run out of a room crying, floowed by a woman shouting "What? What have I done now?", with a confused look on their face. Reverse the genders and you've got pretty much every couple on the planet at least once... Vive la Difference!
(Mon 9th Jun 2008, 16:27, More)