» Voyeurism

they tried to voyeur me.. bastards.
recently bought a car, a used one, that being a subaru I proclaimed "has a bulletproof engine".

oh no, i was sadly deluded.

After a 200 mile round trip, the motor starts producing a loud clacking sound whilst travelling at speed on the motorway.

I quickly pull over, stop, try to start it again but it isnt happening. its dead.

So we call the RAC and say "its knackered, we need a tow home".

They turn up in a van, make a vague attempt to look at it, only to say "its knackered".

great, thanks for that.

SO as its only a van, all they can do is tow us off the motorway onto a side road and leave us at a layby.

and this is where the fun starts.

The layby is a nationally famous dogging spot.

So me and mrs fridge are sitting in a car with steamed up windows in a very popular dogging spot.

The first few taps on the window with suggestive looks by some sweating freak were amusing I guess.

The first few random people getting in other random cars and seeing the vehicle rock from side to side. amusing.

BUT .. it took the RAC 5 hours to get a proper truck to take us home, and 5 hours of random gurning perverts hoping we were going to be prime fwap material left me feeling dirty and abused.

we both felt raped by voyeurs.
(Thu 11th Oct 2007, 18:34, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

not a funeral, but funeral related
just started my new job its st patricks day weekend

a new colleague says he is off to dublin to see his mother for the weekend

me: oh thats a good excuse !
him: no really, i need to go out there to deal with my fathers probate
me:(trying to be funny) youre going to deal with your fathers prostate ?

silence - grim tumbleweed moment in office..

me: well, erm actually, i dont know what a probate is ?
him: its where you deal with the last will and testament and put affairs in order.
me: oh.
him: and what makes it worse, he died of prostate cancer a few days ago...

worlds biggest clanger ?

i offered him a running kick at my bollocks, but fortunately he declined.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 12:10, More)

» Road Rage

road rage ?
ok, I ride a motorcylce. over the years ive had so many close calls, mostly due to other road users being ignorant and or stupid. heres my most recent one:

coming up to a small roundabout (you know the pissy poor excuse for them we have in the UK when they wont spend money on traffic lights?), i have right of way, am already on the island. car speeds onto the island in front of me, I have to brake heavily to stop in time, nearly falling off.

I notice driver is on his mobile phone and completely oblivious to me. grrr thinks I. twunt.

Next island, 2 approaching lanes - i am in right lane, another car in left lane right next to me. he moves into my lane. no indicator, no looking. whilst avoiding him, I nearly get pushed into oncoming traffic, so closely in fact , that one of my mirrors gets tapped by an oncoming car...

yes its the same guy and he is still on his mobile phone.

At this point I see red...

I follow him closely to the next traffic lights, pull alongside him. I hit his rear view mirror as hard as I can, breaking it off. he opens his window with an angry "what the feck do you think you are doing?" (still on his phone). I grab his phone off him and throw it into the nearby road where there is lots of passing traffic. crunch. at this point he is just bewildered, so i grab him by the tie, pull him to the window and shout through my helmet " you nearly killed me twice while on your phone you ignorant fuck, the next biker you do that to *will* kill you.. ".

released him, rode off.

Am I the stupid one for putting myself in a vulnerable situation by riding a motorbike in the first instance ? Am I the stupid one for expecting other human beings to have respect for the fragility of other road users ?

If I had reported him to the police, what would have happened ? "sorry its your word against his", etc, etc.

Road rage ? Im all for a bit of traffic vigilantism if it helps to get the message into stupid wankers heads.

Yay for traffic vigilantes !

sorry for the lack of funniness, I promise I will do better next time.
(Fri 13th Oct 2006, 14:37, More)

» Airport Stories

Spoons
Long weekend in Paris with gf. breakfast in hotel, she says "get me a spoon would you", so i march over to where they are stored and grab a handful (40 or so) of them and offer them to her. she laughs, takes one.

now im a bit odd sometimes and like to milk a joke until it isnt funny anymore, then milk it a bit more until it eventually becomes funny again. at which point it virtually becomes a tradition.

so i stick the spoons in my pocket and for the next few days offered her a spoon at the most unexpected moments (ie when i thought she had forgotten the last hilarious spoon gag).

fast forward 2 days, at charles de gaulle airport....

beep beep beep.

erm "whats that for ?" i wonder ? I havent got anything metallic... oops. i had forgotten all about them.

"please empty your pockets, sir.."

Emptying your pockets of 40 or so spoons, while trying to make up an excuse, with a long queue of people watching is a little surreal and will stay with me (and the other people in the queue too no doubt)..
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 18:37, More)

» Out of my depth

Learning to paraglide in australia
You do stuff in the classroom, some stuff on a shallow slope with very little danger.

Then you do a tandem flight to see if you really do want to fly.

Then you get to do solo flights and you need about 25-30 of them with lots more classroom before you get the license.

well - I start the solo flights where basically a bloke with a radio on the top of the mountain says left, right, etc and halfway thru a bloke on the ground does the same.

1200 foot up in the air, first solo flight, hanging underneath bits of string and a piece of cloth, radio stops working....

now thats out of your depth..
(Mon 18th Oct 2004, 15:41, More)