» The B3TA Confessional

Secret revenge
In uni I had an absolute bell-end of a boyfriend who was extremely manipulative and mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. As is the case with these 'relationships' we had regular explosive screaming matches. On one such occasion he had stormed out and I was livid.

I suspected him of cheating on me with a girl from uni as I was never invited out with him and his mates despite them being in my year and asking why I was never there. I knew he was off to the pub the next night and he only ever wore one shirt out. So I took it into a shower cubicle in our halls and pissed on it. I then hung it back in the wardrobe. Sure enough it dried off nicely and he wore it out the next night.

It turned out he was shagging that girl behind my back. I can only hope he clasped her firmly to his chest that particular evening.
(Sat 28th Aug 2010, 12:17, More)

» The B3TA Confessional

More secret revenge
I was a warden in the halls of residence at uni, I didn't like it much but it was free rent for doing nothing most of the time. Until some wee arsehole started playing up and generally ruining the equilibrium.

He was getting right on my nipple ends through various idiotic acts, stupid shit like emptying all the fire extinguishers on a weekly basis. Occasionally fair enough, but every. Week. Even though we all knew it was him I could never prove it and had to take the money out of everyone's deposit; cue moaning. He was also one of these repulsive bullies who systematically victimised the introverted kids using the guise of cameraderie. I could go on and on about his various acts of malice and idiocy...

I decided to take covert action. I took a shit in a carrier bag and stuffed it down between his radiator and bedroom wall when he was in class. You know the heating in halls - perpetually turned to bake. I know this is probably a slightly mental thing to do, worth it though. Even walking past his door would provide a nutty waft of poo. After a few days I checked and the turdbag was undiscovered so I retrieved it.

I told no one, but replied to everything he said to me after that with 'Yeah, well you smell of shit.' Je ne regrette rien.
(Sun 29th Aug 2010, 18:08, More)

» Drugs

My boss couldn't inhale
and wanted to get stoned so I made him cupcakes from some hash he gave me. What the hell was in that stuff I don't know but I received a terse message from my Dad a few days later to 'call Andy at the shop.' Thinking nothing had happened and he was pissed at me I avoided him until work the next Saturday.

Turns out Andy ate a cake at his mates and a few hours later after deciding nothing was happening went home. Driving along the motorway Andy felt he was going a bit fast and checked his speed. It was 20mph. He somehow managed to get home through a descending veil of paranoia to find his legs stopped working when he got to the front door. Dragging himself through the hallway by his arms he made it into bed only to spend hours 'paralysed' from the waist down fighting off a 6ft teddy bear intent on eating him.

He was genuinely freaked out by the whole experience and completely exhausted the next day. He told me he had dialled 99 several times that night but didn't dial the third 9 as it would be too humiliating to ring an ambulance because he got stoned.
(Sun 19th Sep 2010, 12:38, More)

» Absolute Power

I am terrified
that one day I may have to discipline/tell off the only member of staff I have. Luckily he starts each conversation we have with 'Yo boss, it's yo bitch' otherwise I'd be in trouble.
(Sat 10th Jul 2010, 8:46, More)

» Letters they'll never read

To my kittens Bill and Ted
I know you can't understand me but I will continue to tell you how much I love you and prove it by looking after you both as best I can. And I will also help you look after your kittens when you pop Ted, you little cat-slut. Even if they come out ginger.

Lots of love, tinywiener.
(Fri 5th Mar 2010, 10:59, More)