» Essential Items

Doorknob
At school I used to carry a doorknob. In the sixth form common room we used to have a store room where the doorknob was missing on the inside. It used to be a great game to shut some poor soul inside and hear them bang on the door to be let out.

When it was my turn I just let myself out and enjoyed the looks on my captors faces.
(Thu 27th Oct 2005, 15:02, More)

» Mistaken Identity

I'm not Peter!!!!
* Ring-ring *

"Hello."

"Is that Peter?" It was a woman's voice, one I don't recognise.

"No, sorry, I think you have the wrong number." This was true as my name was most definitely not Peter and, surprisingly, still isn't.

"Peter! That's not very nice, is it? I know it's you. Why haven't you called?"

"Probably because I'm not Peter."

This carried on for a while. I could not convince the woman she had the wrong bloke. Eventually, I did what I should have done right at the beginning and put the phone down. She rang again a few minutes later but I put the phone down again.

About half an hour or so later on, she rang again. She just had time to say, "Peter! It's my husband. I told him." before the phone was snatched out of her hand.

"You've been shagging my missus."

I wish I had thought of a better answer but I was sick of the pair of them by this time so I answered with the truth.

"No, I'm not Peter and besides I'm gay," I said and put the phone down.

I often wonder what happened next.
(Fri 1st Jun 2007, 13:35, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Aerosol
When I was five, I really wanted to see how an aerosol worked. My experiment was simple:

1. Get a can of furniture polish.
2. Hold it about four inches from my eye.
3. Make sure the hole is pointing towards the eye.
4. Spray and observe.

Ouch! No lasting damage luckily.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 13:02, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

My Mum
I have never, to my knowledge, seen a ghost. I did hear our dead dog once who had a very characteristic whimper, shortly after she died, but that’s about it. I would be terrified if I saw or heard anything else. My Mum, on the other hand, and long dead herself unfortunately, had a few ghost stories she would tell me. I think the best story is from WW II.
She worked mainly in service when she was younger and would work in big houses with large kitchens. During the war she was working in one such building at the same time the Luftwaffe took a liking to it and dropped a few bombs while she was in it.
The explosion caused a lot of damage and she and another female colleague were trapped in the kitchen in the building’s basement. They could not see a way out. There was so much dust and crap in the air that they could scarcely see each other.
Then the chef, a man known only as “The Carver” to my mother, found them and directed them to an exit that was less blocked than any of the others and my mother and her friend took to shifting the rubble out of the way. The chef didn’t attempt to help at all despite my mother and her friend shouting at him to help. He simply shook his head and carried on pointing at the exit.
After some time, there was enough rubble shifted for the two women to scramble to safety and the waiting ambulances waiting on the surface.
I expect you’ve guessed where this is going already, as I did when she told me, but stick with it. You are right but I haven’t finished yet.
The emergency services immediately asked her if anyone else was trapped in the basement.
“Only the carver,” my Mum replied.
“The carver?”
“Yes, the chef.”
“Sorry, love, but he was brought out dead an hour ago.”
(Tue 8th Jul 2008, 14:39, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Richard
I used to work with a girl who, when she hadn't seen someone for a while, say "I haven't seen a lot of X this morning."

You know: "I haven't seen a lot of Brian today" or "I haven't seen a lot of Amy this afternoon."

This worked well until one day when a bloke called Richard has been out of the office for a while.

"I haven't seen a lot of Dick this morning."
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 12:26, More)