» Other people's diaries

weaksauce
once, when i was little, i snuck a peak into my sister's diary. she had written that one of her new year's resolutions was that she wanted to bug me even more than she already was.

so of course i tell on her, but then I'M the one who got in trouble for looking at her diary.


bullshit.
(Thu 1st Feb 2007, 16:33, More)

» Housemates from hell

put on some pants at least, damn
i'm a senior at Ohio State University, and by far the worst roommate that i've had was a guy who became one of my roommates my freshman year. prior to spring break, one of my other roommates had decided that living in a 28'x20' area with three other guys was especially retarded, given that his parent's house was 20 minutes away from campus.

so, the people in charge of housing at OSU, in their infinite wisdom, decided to fill up the space with maybe the worst possible candidate for living in a cramped space with three other guys; when i came back to the dorm after spring break, i found him sitting indian-style (cross-legged) literally 10 inches from the tv screen, playing a PS2 game. i said hi and introduced myself, which elicits the response of "heyi'msam," and the fastest head-swivel i've seen to turn his attention back to the game.

"okay fine," i think, "he's a douche, but i guess it's not that big of a deal as long as he's quiet"

well, he was quiet, but that didn't make me right. before i get into some of the incredibly annoying shit he did, i should explain how he came to live in my room in the first place.

Ohio State operates on the quarter system. a normal academic year takes up three quarters: fall, winter, spring, each roughly 10 weeks long. sam had signed up for living in a dorm fall quarter, but also had apparently neglected to sign up for classes, instead preferring to use the dorm like an apartment. except he figures that because he's in the army reserve and is getting a paycheck, he can sit on his ass, not go to class, and just eat at Wendy's everyday. which he did. two weeks later, OSU finally wises up to what's going on and kicks him out, and then suspends him for winter quarter. spring quarter rolls around, he applies for a residence hall, and OSU puts him in the same damn place, but three doors down the hall. thanks guys.

so, there he is, sitting in his boxers and playing PS2. little did i know that that's the position he would be occupying for roughly 80% of the next 10 weeks. here's a short list of the various stuff he'd do:

-playing PS2 CONSTANTLY, and by which i mean waking up at 8:30 to play it until a 12:30 class, and then coming back from class at 2 or so to play it until 12:30 at night. i really, really wish i was exaggerating.

-using the computers of my roommates and i to go to various porn and wrestling sites, sometimes a combination of both.

-waiting till he was alone in the room and then turing off the air conditioning in fucking JUNE when it's 90 degrees in Columbus because he's "from north carolina and he can't deal with the cold"

-using an entire roll of toliet paper a week because of a chronic masturbation problem

-oh, this one was great. i mentioned that he was in the army reserves, which meant that he was supposed to go to drill every few weekends. since he never went, i got more than a few angry calls from sargents wondering WHERE THE FUCK IS PRIVATE SHITSTAIN IF YOU FIND HIM GET HIS ASS ON A BUS OR HE'S OUT

-eating nothing but Wendy's, and then unleashing fart after greasy fart without a care in the world

but by far the creepiest thing we ever saw him do was when me and the other two roommates decided to go out for some lunch, and came back to find him in his usual cross-legged position in front of the tv with the PS2 on. only this time, he wasn't playing the game, he was watching it intently.

see, what he had done was set his wrestling game to have the computer fight itself an a simulation with 4 characters going at it at once. so of course sam selected the four female charaters in the game, and had them wear the skimpiest suits possible.

if he hadn't been alone, in his boxers, and stroking his chin while carefully watching this like some kind of really pathetic super-villian, maybe i wouldn't have been so skeeved.
(Sat 7th Apr 2007, 6:56, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Stupid Tourists...
I was in New York once when a fat Brit walked up beside a nearby business-type and shouted "OI! WHY'S THAT CALLED THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?"

The businessman told him that it was named that because New York is nicknamed the Empire State.

His reply: "WELL THEN. I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS CALLED THAT BECAUSE YOU AMERICANS WANT AN EMPIRE!!" He then took a photo, and shuffled on his merry way.

The rest of us laughed at him for not having lived in the area for years and years and therefore not knowing the customs and local anecdotal trivia.

/He also had bad teeth, and when he left, I knew that my mother had left a cup of tea next to my bed because I heard the ice cream truck
//Thank God it seems that none of you have spent any length of time in NYC; you'd be too furious at the "stupidity" of the tourists to see straight.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 18:09, More)

» Strict Parents

well
my parents didn't ban me from much, but they get really pissed when i post on this one website, talking about how insane they were back in the day.

oh shit they're ba
(Thu 8th Mar 2007, 20:13, More)

» Shit Stories

A illness poo
Usually common decency dictates that if one has to take a shit, they'll hold it in until the proper facilities are available.

There are, however, exceptions to this rule.

Once I was as sick as I think I ever have been, and I was laid out on my Aunt's couch. It began by sneezing on myself, which I solved by wiping my nose on my shirt. For the second round, I threw up on myself, managing to get most of the vomit into a bucket. Though my shirt was stained and smelly, I was far too weak and sick to really care or do anything about it.

After laying in my own vomit for a while, I began to realize that I was going to have to take a shit. Well, having not done anything about trying to conceal my other bodily functions, I sure as hell wasn't going to make the effort to get off of the couch and hobble my way to a bathroom, so I promptly shit on myself.

I continued to lay on the couch, covered in vomit and poo (and the urine that is generally associated with poo) until my Aunt walked in, and mustering all of my strength, I gave her the best puppy dog face that I could muster.

You know, the kind of face that says "I'm sick and covered in shit and vomit and piss, could you lend me one of your towels?"

Needless to say, the couch was sold soon after the fact.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 2:12, More)