» The Weird Kid In Class

thee were loads in my school, sorry it's long.
one kid called Arun would never talk to anyone, on his last day at primary school before he left to move house he spoke for the first time saying "Da da dada ching ching" he was a total fucking loon.

Another one called Chris would never swear even though at the age of seven he knew all of the words, one day we were trying to make him say "sex" he told us he had to ask his mother first, the next day his mother came in to speak to the teacher and we all got told off.

Sharon once shat in her white woolen tights

Dave brought in his mothers vibrator to primary school one day, none of us knew what it was, but now looking back i realise how weird it was. Dave is to this day renowned for making up bullshit stories in an attempt to make himself look good, he told us at the time you put it under your pillow and it helped you to sleep. we thought it was cool and wanted one for ourselves. I remember the teacher taking him to one side and telling him not to bring it in again.

Mike always put his shoes on the wrong feet after P.E after a game of football at playtime he was crying really noisily he'd broken both of his feet.

Alan at the age of 10 shot to fame as the "phantom shitter" occasionally a shit would be found in the boys bogs not in the toilet itself but in the middle of the tiled floor, this caused loads of excitement in a primary school of over 350 kids everyone would ask to go to the bog so they could have a look at the gleaming pile of feces. This went on for months. every two weeks a fresh new turd would be found shining on the tiled floor. we were given letters to take home to show our parents, breakimes were spent in he gym getting told off and questioned urging the "Phantom Shitter" to own up. It turns out Alun was caught one day by a suspicious teacher whilst fishing a little brown jobby out of the pan with two sticks. He's now in the RAF
(Sun 21st Jan 2007, 22:00, More)

» Heckles

i went to my girlfriends student union...
back in october only to find that Jo (she's got the flo) O'meara, from s-club 7 was singing on stage, it was pretty bad, she sounded like a bad karioke singer, in between songs somebody shouted "i love you Rachel" at her referring to Rachel Stevens the more attractive and successful member from her former band. the whole room started laughing. Jo - obviously flustered forgot the opening lines to the next song - fucking superb!
(Sun 9th Apr 2006, 21:24, More)

» Lead Balloon

Oh dear
I'm the manager at a shop with a team of about 30 employees. My regional manager was in my store doing a scored store audit where he checks my tills, cash flow, sales, budgets, merchandising, shrinkage etc. All of this is recorded on a standardised form for all of the company. I get a score and a pat on the back or a kicking.

One of the things tasks he has to perform to fill out the sheet is to speak to a member of my team and ask them how they are, how is morale and is there anything they would change. He wanders into the back of house where two of my staff members are. One is a pretty young girl and the other is a big black bloke. He proceeds to ask the girl his questions.

He comes to the question
"is there anything you would change?"
Before she can answer my assistant manager appears at the door, points at the black bloke and blurts out;
"I Know what he would change, He would be a white man if he could Ha Ha Ha"

*massively awkward silence*

When he was challenged about what on earth possessed him to say such a thing he set off on an awkward attempted arse covering rant about Michael Jackson.

He was fired the following week.
(Wed 28th Aug 2013, 18:15, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

why did the girl fall off the swing?
because she had no arms
(Tue 14th Feb 2006, 22:26, More)

» Little things that turn you on

i generally get the shorter
fatter friend of a babe, in a jumper with glasses and a limp when it's damp outside. These women get overlooked usually because their friend is so classically beautiful. The last one i found was an absolute bedroom gymnast pushing back off walls and calling me bitch and stuff. fucking ace!!

That little look up at you that they do as they lick the end of your willywoggles really gets me! mmmmmmmmm
(Wed 23rd Feb 2005, 18:15, More)