iPod


Its overpriced and looks like shit.
(Mon 29th Apr 2002, 19:15, More)

Tee Hee

(Fri 19th Apr 2002, 19:35, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

A one time colleague...
...has a wife who worked for the BBC, producer or some sort. According to him, wifey was assigned to Sandringham or something for Christmas to film them leaving, farting around in the grounds etc. While waiting, a Range Rover approached, pulled up to the gate, and rolled the window down. A certain member of the family, face not unlike a two handled soup mug, said something along the lines of "Mummy wants you all to fack orf". Then drove off again.

Said encounter is also allegedly captured on tape as well.....
(Mon 7th Aug 2006, 22:17, More)

» Teenage Parties

Senior Dance, 1991
The dance itself was crap, left just before the end and headed up the road to the local restaurant for the bar. Had a few beers there, then all 10 or so of us headed off to one of our friends house that was just out the back of the bar.

If only it had ended there. Most details are hazy now, but the highlights included

downing the best part of a quarter bottle of gin
struggling with a mate over a bottle of napolean brandy
drinking anything that was left unattended.

Again, if only it had ended there. The combined effect of probably some of everything going led me to realise I was very hungry. Myself and 2 other guys went down to the Chinese at the end of the road. I clearly remember eating said chinese (chicken and pineapple with fried rice - straight Gin tastes better than that) with a teaspoon, although at the time I never questioned it. This was later pointed out to me that I was using a teaspoon as someone had poured bacardi all over the plate of food. Still ate the lot seemingly.

Then there was the 'brace' incident. Even bacardi cannot make chicken and pineapple taste good, so I began to feel sick (obv. not the drink that had made me feel ill), and legged it upstairs to the loo. After an extended session with Ralph, I realised that my removable brace was missing, the only logical explanation being that it was disloged by the force of vomit. The solution to this is to obviously plunge my arm into the toiletful of vomit (and whatever may have been in there previously, I never had time to check before I added my own contribution) and search for it, but to no avail. Gone forever, woe is me. I turned to the sink and washed my hand, when Pepe (who had followed me in to laugh) composed himself enough to point out that I had removed the brace and thrust it into his hand as we entered.

After probably much more drinking and the sideshows of watching two of the guests shagging in the main bedroom (the small bedroom could not fit everyone in to watch) and someone drinking Fahrenheit, it was time to go home. Held the taxi up for ages while we searched for my bowtie, until my cousin pushed me out the door and told me she would find it in time for the return of the hired suit. As the taxi pulled away, I dived out and ran home, through the restaurant grounds and down the 8 foot drop to the main road in and out of Stirling, pavement width 2 feet.

The bowtie was retrived from the jacket pocket of the suit, the shirt unfortunately never survived.

I may tell you about the 1992 dance as well sometime.
(Sat 15th Apr 2006, 21:47, More)

» My Worst Vomit

The floor show
After a heavy night drinking, the wife and I dragged ourselves home and crashed out into bed. About 3 in the morning, she shook me awake, and it was quite obvious she was having an asthma attack. A bad one. I called the ambulance, opened the front door and switched the lights on so that they would see the house OK. I went back to the bedroom, and was sitting next to her trying to calm her, when I started to feel sick. It started to come up, and just made it to the toilet in time. After a few minutes of hard vomiting, I looked up to see one of two ambulancewomen looking at me indisgust. I waved my arm in the direction of the bedroom, and went back to vomiting.

Fortunately, the wife is fine.

Then there was the time that I was ill at work and was taken for a lie down in the security office. I woke up after a few hours, felt very dizzy then ran to their kitchen, vomited all over their sink, and disappeared back into the office I had been sleeping in.

Then there was the freshers week many moons ago. Comedy night at Chambers House, drinking cider and baileys (why?) all night, then over to pleasance bar to finish off. Me and my mates downed a pint of lager each, and a couple of girls were so impressed, we offered to do it again, and did. The last drop had just entered my mouth, when I felt the nights consumption coming back out, and managed to put my hand over my mouth to hold it in. Almost. My hand held the solid bits in, but the liquid, now under pressure, sprayed from my face like a fountain, a very large one at that. I was escorted from the bar, still puking, with the bouncers trying to avoid the spray, and deposited on the floor outside. With a large lump of solid compressed vomit in my hand.
(Thu 19th Aug 2004, 21:22, More)

» Teenage Poetry

I went for the surreal ones
My old man's a dustman
He wears a dustmans cap
He lives at the bottom of a goldfish bowl
With a teabag and an exploding monkey.
(Fri 12th Aug 2005, 23:25, More)

» People with Stupid Names

My father
is an ambulance driver, for years his partner was

Willy Cummings.

And a colleague at my previous job went to a conference where one of the delegates was called Randy Darling.
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 21:13, More)