(Mon 2nd May 2011, 7:19, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

I had a staff member telling me that her son was in hospital with pneumonia the other day,
And at the exact moment that tears started welling up in her eyes, my assistant ran past making pigeon noises. As a reflex I joined in.
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 8:14, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

My days of taking acid
were completely over when a few of my mates and I went for a walk through some paddocks. We found a lake with some scary eels in there and spent half the night fighting them. We lost, one of us had a broken arm and we all had bruises all over our faces. One of my friends nearly drowned, and it was only through my brave act of jumping in after him, dragging him out (whilst fighting off the eels) and resuscitating him that he survived. After fleeing the scene and returning to our fire we all took stock of the night and tried to recover. 2 of us were quite badly injured by the eels at this stage, and we spent the rest of the night planning revenge on the fuckers when we straightened out.

In the morning we realised that we were at least 14km from the nearest body of water and that 2 of our friends needed an ambulance, quickly.

No idea what we did that night, but we all swear that we were fighting eels in a massive lake, and that we were stealing their powers.
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 14:30, More)

» Out of my depth

I wanted a few days off school when I was about 10...
Someone at school had got appendicitis a few months ago, and I'd been sitting next to her for most of the day, so I watched her, and got a fair idea of how to fake it (ie it hurts whenever you stand up or sit down, and it hurts more when the doctor takes their hand off your stomach than when they push down).

Long story short, I was getting wheeled into operating theatre telling them there was nothing wrong with me, while my mother and a nurse were telling me to hush, and that everything would be ok.

I had a hernia when I was 22 and it was just under my scar.
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 10:48, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

I used to work for an IVF Lab in Sydney (go on, just TRY and work out the name)
They frequently exchange sperm/eggs with more fertile ones from other people. You can usually tell when this has happened - if you have friends who have had an IVF baby and either the father is remarkably effeminate or the mother is extrememly butch, recommend a DNA test. Seriously, it's standard practice across the world. If you can't get a baby by spunking in your girlfriend's muff, it ain't your baby (or possibly hers, but more likely it's not yours, you inadequate excuse for a man). There was at least one case while I was there where the baby didn't belong to either of them.

They're a lot more careful about it these days, after there was a case in the UK where a blonde white couple had a big black baby boy. You might remember it from the late 90s. These days they make sure it'll have the same colour skin, eyes & hair as the parents.

I should mention that my confidentiality agreement expired a couple of years ago and the only reason I don't talk about specific cases is because of personal morals (I don't think it's fair on the individuals).

Also, one day we all cloned ourselves for a laugh. We killed the embryos after a couple of weeks. They were kept inside cut-off straws and we dropped them in acid.

I killed a mini version of myself.

I wasn't religious before that moment, now I honestly believe that my soul has been destroyed.

Redemption is a bitch.
(Fri 28th Sep 2007, 15:16, More)

» Evil Pranks

A friend of mine
once had a competition with his flatmate. The competition was to poo into the other person's belongings. There wasn't much more to it than that, but it got a bit out of hand.

One night, my mate has brought a lady back home and is getting down to business when he hears something move in the corner of his room. He switches on the lights and discovers his flatmate squatting over his underpants drawer.

The next morning, he decides on a plan of action for revenge.

He gets the margarine out of the fridge, sticks it in the microwave to melt it, pours the marge into a jug, then takes a big dump in the bottom of the container. He then pours the margarine back on top and puts it back in the fridge.

I think the most disturbing part was that when I was being told the story by the flatmate, he told it in a "what an awesome trick" tone of voice rather than a "I think I ate his shit" tone of voice.

Rugby players, hmmm.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 22:56, More)