» My first love

First Love...
We were born close together in time, our parents reckoned we could have been siblings. Her name was Deborah, which never seemed to be right for her. Everyone thought we'd get married and be together forever but we never did, although it alwasy crossed my mind. I once suggested meeting up in the new millenium, but it never happened, but it would be strange seeing everyone again, since they've all grown up.

Sorry, now you can all beat me to a Pulp ;)
(Thu 20th Oct 2005, 14:18, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Hmmm
Only a couple spring to mind, both my mum. She dislocated my older sister's elbow when playing with her as a toddler, resulting in a lovely trip to hospital.

Secondly, we had an Aga when we first moved in to our current house. I watched her hold my then three-year-old brother kind of in the manner of holding a newborn (i.e. on his back, arms under neck and knee), lowering him repeatedly over the hotplate cover (a sort of dome shape) and saying "i'm gonna burn your bum! I'm gonna burn your bum!" Little bro was laughing like crazy, so she did it some more. And some more. Then she caught his bare arse on the red-hot cover.

I don't think I've ever heard anyone scream so loudly since.

Mad as a hatter.
(Fri 17th Aug 2007, 9:18, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Aged 15,
I got a decent mountain bike for my birthday, the bike I have to this day actually. It had toestraps on the pedals, as at the time basically your options were standard platform pedals, tiny little cleated ones for the fancy-shoed lycra-lovers amongst us and the halfway-house that was toestraps.

I barreled off on my first ride on it, with a mate and my brother in tow. I was loving the toestraps, they allowed me to vary which muscles I used, made the pedalling motion circular instead of stampy, and generally enabled me to go harder and faster for longer (ooo-er missus).

However, in my haste to get out there, I'd neglected a very minor detail. We pulled up to a set of traffic lights, I went to put my foot down to balance but alas the straps were too tight. My feet stayed bonded to the pedals and a few very long seconds passed in which I fell slowly to the left onto the pavement, felled like a mighty oak.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 14:48, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

I
have a Morman smile at me in recgonition everytime he sees me.

The reason being he once said "would you like to join the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints?" so i said "no, i'm already in a church".
"oh really, what church is that?"
"the church of K.M.A".
"oh right, what does K.M.A. stand for?".

"Kiss My Arse" and I legged it.
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 3:46, More)

» Kids

I made my Dad very proud of his parenting.
Mum and Dad decided between them that when teaching their offspring about the world (in that way that parents do) they would make no comment about skin tone and the like and would leave us to notice it for ourselves, on the basis that all people are equal and that sort of thing doesn't matter and so on and so forth.

A policy that bore fruit one day when i was about 4. I was with Dad and we were out at a museum, one of the RAF ones I think (possibly Hendon). He tells me we were sat in a cafe at lunch time, when I looked around me with an earnest expression. With a frown, I said:

"There are a lot of them here aren't there, Dad."

Dad knew precisely what I meant, and braced himself for it.

"A lot of what, Ben?"

"Browns".

He broke into a broad grin.

"And what are Browns, Ben?"

"People with brown skin".

I of course meant people of Afro-Caribbean extraction. It's now one of my Dad's favorite stories about my childhood. He's very pleased with how I'd worked it out myself and invented my own term for it, untainted by other's input.


On the same subject, one of my oldest friends apparently announced his knowledge of such things when on the Tube with his mum. He pointed and bellowed "Look Mummy! Chocolate Man!" She was mortified.
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 21:26, More)