» The Police

your all gay !
Aged early 20's I guess, decided on a beer fuelled night of camping. Ten of us set off in cars to the local beach where you could park your car, walk along the beach to a clearing with a pond. But the tides in - pond / clearing unreachable. Cars loaded with ale / tents etc. not wanting to waste the night we end up on a grassy area at the top of a local wannabe middle class housing estate. Pitch tents, drink beer, be merry. Friendly bloke like banter, rather loud at times, bit of drunken wrestling, then some lad gets his pants pulled down whilst somebody grabs a stick to whip him. All harmless fun lit by torches. Then a voice is heard (talking into hi radio) "YES, SARGE, I'VE FOUND THE NOISY BASTARDS - LOOKS LIKE A BUNCH OF BOTTOM BANDITS INTO S&M" He and his colleagues then light up the scene with their torches, tell us to pack the tents and they're gonna take us all home and tell our folks we were found in a gay S&M moment! On the way down from the field with the coppers following us taking the piss, we all break for it and run in different directions - while the coppers spend the rest of the night playing "hunt the gay" -we all escaped !
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 21:05, More)

» The Onosecond

In my Outlook Address book on the network...
is an entry for "All _anon e-mail users", meaning everyone on the network.

I sent an e-mail telling everyone on site they'd have to come in 15 minutes late on Monday due to a large craning / lifting operation at the gates.

Then realise the following mathematical formula;
Everyone on network IS GREATER THAN Everyone on site.

Site = my factory
Network = all factories.
4 in the UK
1 in France
1 in Poland
2 in Spain
1 in Belgium
Office in Russia.

onosecond. big onosecond.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 21:46, More)

» Office Christmas Parties

High Flying Electronic Aviation Suppliers...
In the early 90's, I worked for a "family owned" company that got itself some pretty big deals in aviation. The company was Lorded over by a right odd married couple, who would get everyone outside in a line on the last day and appear in a horse and carriage, with the poor MD dressed as Santa. They would then in a Dicken's style give each employee a frozen chicken and a bottle of pish. The ritual was ceased when, due to the 200 or so employees travelling straight to local drinking houses after the annual ceremony, they'd get pished and "forget" the frozen chickens when leaving for home. Several local pubs had to be fumigated every January when the chickens began to rot underneath the (usually heated) pub bench seating.
(Thu 16th Dec 2004, 23:59, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Ex-girlfirend in conversation about horses penises
Me: They are all well hung
She: Only the Male ones
(Thu 6th Jan 2005, 23:14, More)

» Claims to Fame

Appearing as an extra in....
an episode of Poirot
Then stealing the name of the episode for my b3ta username.
Then setting up a small media studio with the same name.
Then duping US website TV TOME to include me in the cast list for the said episode.
Pissing myself laughing when they hyperlink my name to a page about my acting career.

EDIT : Then realing in fear as you realise you've just given all of b3ta your real name.
(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 23:27, More)