» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Once and never again!
So I admit I was registered on a dating website, partly out of curiosity but mainly cos I was desperate to bang the backend out of anything with tits and a pulse, the pressure could have wiped out Berkshire!
Anyway, get some nice messages from some lovely females( the pics proved this) and one who lived very close to me who just made herself sound very attractive. Me being a total prat, very lazy and also loving a good surprise I went for local lass.
Someone should have pointed out to me that when they say they are of light build and medium height, they are lying or blind!
So comes the day I meet her, little nervous but ho hum, and this tall hippocrocopig of a woman is standing in corner.
Cant be her, she says shes attractive.
Gulp! Its her, but being desperate I stay anyway.
Like the length
One mobile pic to friend later, I have own kidnap set up in order to save my soul from being munched by Queen Kong.
F**kers never turn up, so drag myself out of the way and make large excuse bout small children and animals to escape, I do, the end!
But for 6 months I get sent on a regular basis her glamour model photos, slowly becoming porn - her agent told her she had the body for it (Blind or insane, you decide)
Gave me a laugh tho!
Apologies for length but my shrink says its helps my recovery!
(Wed 22nd Mar 2006, 9:31, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Where do i start........ the beginning I think
(names changed for legal/comedy reasons)

Mr Bignose - Science teacher who successfully managed to blow up a lab, also used to flick fresh snot at kids in front of him. They sacked him after 8 other teachers resigned due to him.

Mrs Smokeywoman - Taught English, but had a habit of swearing a lot, calling another teacher a c**t in front of stunned 11 year olds was cool

Mr Fuck and Miss Bunny - Physics teacher and the deputy head who had a thing going on, until bunch of English students were looking at school camcorder to find they had filmed a porno in the gym using lost property uniforms, dirty twunts! (lucky fucker more like!)
(Fri 11th Nov 2005, 13:59, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Never bought, but obtained
The obvious items, traffic cones, flashing lights, barriers, men at work road signs!

But they're just boring, I wanted something more!

Wheelie bins, garden furniture, a gnome, a concrete cricketer (how the f**k can you carry THAT when you can't even walk straight), a 7foot fir tree, garden gates, a paddling pool and finally an inflatable surfboard!

I need to stop drinking
(Sat 11th Jun 2005, 13:52, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Just reminded me.....
I have a friend (don't sound shocked) who loves all the stupid news stories in the Daily Sport, etc.

Think the headline "Hide and seek champion found dead in cupboard" and you get close!

Anyway, and I quote-
"i've just read about a woman who got pregnant by an animal, you know, that monkey!
The one that begins with M"

Were lost by now

"Koala, thats it"

Falls off chair, couldn't make it up!
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 16:40, More)

» Teenage Parties

Oh cock it, here goes!
1- My friend technically died cos of drinking too much at one party, we were pissed so we called ambulance and started offering him more beer, but we were cunts back then!
2- Looking for friend only to find her bare arse looking back at me, she had managed to fall asleep hanging out of a window, drunk people near helped with nudity!
3- Drunk friend + Womens underwear + pool, mental scarring too much!
4- The indignity( fuck that, it was fun all the way to the wank bank) of getting full lap dance from friends sister ( she had nice breasts by the way)
5- Had gf at time pass herself round behind my back, sober this time, so repeatedly poked her the eye with my cock, bint!

Why cant I be a teenager again, why
(Tue 18th Apr 2006, 16:48, More)