» Public Sex

170 km north of the Arctic circle....
... taking a walk on the top of a ski resort (not so much of a mountain, more of a "fell"). It was in the summer so there was no snow... or people for that matter.

So there we were, me and the missus were looking out admiring the view when the suggestion came around to "what a fab place for a shag". So off we go, enjoying each other when we heard the familiar "whoosh" of a fighter jet.

Now there was an airport 20km away that was used by the Finnish air force so hearing low flying fighters wasn't out of the ordinary and sure enough one came past really low.... so low infact I could see his head in the cockpit.

So, we finish up (no pun intended) and start to wonder if the pilot saw us in his flypast. Sure enough we could hear the noise of the Hornet returning, but this time it was louder.

After looking for a second we could see 2 of them flying straight for us... the little sod had only gone and radioed his mate and as they flew over we gave them a wave just to *really* check if they could see us. The bastards dipped their wings (as pilots up here tend to do if they notice someone waving) and me and the now embarrassed missus start our slow walk of shame back to our car.

So....there you go, I got busted having outdoor sex by the Finnish Air Force.
(Thu 23rd Apr 2009, 17:08, More)

» Failed Projects

My Nephew...
Never finishes anything, he's a complete lazy oik. I really need him to help out but all he wants to do is hangout at the shops with his mates and do his bloody chav-wagon up.

The thing is, I own a farm and getting staff to work for me is a right pain as it is- this litlle bugger wants to leave me in the lurch this year and join the bloody air force, but I've already told him that I need him for only one more year and then he can go and do what he likes (I can't see him getting through the application process though, so that'll be another fail).

Anyway, to top all this off, he's only gone and buggered off this morning with two bits of machinery I bought the other day. He was supposed to have fixed them and I need them on the fields by this afternoon or there'll be hell to pay. This really is the final straw for me- he never finishes what he starts. His Auntie tells me he didn't even drink his blue milk this morning!

Oh well, gotta go, it looks like the local constabulary are at the door. I wonder what they want.

Uncle Owen.
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 9:03, More)

» Dressing Up

Happened tonight
My daughter won her Brownies group halloween fancy dress tonight dressed as a werewolf. However, she told me about her friend who went as "A Tired Mum", as in "Tired Mums are always scary, they shout all the time".

I think that child should've won.
(Wed 31st Oct 2012, 22:21, More)

» The Police

Greenwich Park Police Fun
One time I was with my Finnish mates getting shitfaced in Greenwich park for the May Day holiday (ask any Finn about "Vappu" and they'll give you a knowing look).

Anyways, after quite a bit of beer, gin and also half a bottle of champagne a bunch a chavs turn up and ask us things like "Gis some of ya beer mate?" to which we replied in the negative (i.e. "fuck off"...there were about 15 of us, some were pro ice-hockey players so we could act as hard as we liked).

So, chavs duly get bored at the lack of generousity from us and bugger off, leaving us to enjoy what was left of the booze and bask in the view of the Naval College.

Suddenly one of the girls with us (Anu) says "my mobile's gone missing". Putting 2 and 2 together me and my mate get up and start to leg it after the chavs (who by now were bloody miles away...). We, or rather I managed to grab one just outside Blackheath gate (if you know Greenwich park..its miles away from the Naval Museum where we were sitting), much to the joy of a local cricket club who's pitch the chavs had just walked over whilst they were playing.

Putting the little scrote in an armlock I march him back into the park to "meet" my hockey-playing mates, but before I got back I spotted a Royal Parks police car approaching and flag 'em down.

After explaining the situation to the copper (the kid was now slammed in the back seat, positively bricking it)and after a quick drive to unsuccessfully find scrote's mates I get dropped back in the park.

Copper says that he can't actually "do" anything as we didn't specifically see who took the phone, so I say "fair enough...can you just make sure that he'll think twice about nicking stuff in the future" to which Mr. Plod replies "oh, yes!!" (with a big shit-eating grin on his face).

I start walking back to meet my mates and as I'm passing the Royal Observatory, the adrenaline of the chase wears off and the mix of alcohol in my gut suddenly makes a reappearance..I promptly throw up infront of fecking LOADS of tourists who didn't seem too impressed. At this point I'm well embarrassed and trying unsuccessfully to not continue emptying my stomach.

So, I'm totally fecked off, knackered and almost dying with shame and finally catch up with the mates in the Trafalgar pub.

I told them all about what had happened to which one replies...

"Anu hasn't lost her phone...she gave it to me in case she lost it cos she was so pissed!".

Needless to say I was NOT impressed- especially seeing that I left my coat in the cop car and had to go to the cop shop the next day to pick it up feeling rather sorry for the kid and wondering what the copper did to him.

Cherry...popped...length....long (sorry)
(Tue 27th Sep 2005, 14:02, More)

» Festivals

Glasto '93
...was a very hot and sunny one and on the Sunday evening after the bands had finished there was a massive queue for the toilets (the blue portacabin ones). I've read stories on this QOTW about these already and if you've been in one at a festival it's not something that will ever leave you.

Anyways, I saw one guy go into these lovely blue tardis's of death, only for his mates to run up and push it over while he was in there. I never knew used tampons would look good as a hair accessory.

The sight of about 100 people pissing themselves whilst trying hard not to retch will stay with me for a very, very long time.
(Fri 5th Jun 2009, 10:52, More)