» Crappy Prizes

I won some swearing from a Red Funnel ferry captain.
When I was about 7 or 8, we went on a school trip to the Isle of Wight, but the trip was more about the journey up the Solent than it was about the Isle of Wight and there were some other schools along too.
There were some questions being asked by the tour guide over the tannoy. One was a question along the lines of "Apart from the River Test, can you name another river that flows into the Solent?"
I knew one!..the Itchen!
whoop!
And we were told if we knew the answer that we were to go and tell the captain and receive our prize.
I swear that's what we were told to do..in fact, all the other kids must have thought the same because although I arrived first, I was there with several other kids.
So we arrive at the captains room, and I politely give the answer, and the captain bellows "I wish you bloody kids would all just FUCK OFF!!". Which was perhaps not the first time I'd ever heard the phrase, but it was the first time I'd ever had it spat at me by an adult who really, really meant it.
My teacher asked what I won and I told her he told me I was wrong which, clearly, I wasn't.

People suck!
(Tue 9th Aug 2005, 13:03, More)

» Teenage Poetry

Nuts
When I am dead and buried,
And on me stands a tree,
I hope it's nuts and berries,
And leaves are shaped like me.
(Fri 12th Aug 2005, 10:09, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Treasure indeed...
Found a tin of keys, a small pot of car headlight yellower (for that cosmopolitan look), and a manually powered lawnmower in a shed my folks bought (for the land it stood on). I saw this as a fast path to fame and riches somehow...I think the Goonies had something to do with this. Industriously, I had wire brushed the rust off the lawn mower and jollied it up with Hammerite before realising that modern lawn mowers cost less than a wire brush and a tin of Hammerite. The tin of cosmopolitan yellow stained keys is still buried in the back garden awaiting the discovery of the treasure chests that they will unlock.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 15:56, More)

» Child Labour

Roguing
...if that's how it's spelt.
Most godforsaken thing I ever did for money: About 17, crouching waist high in corn fields, collecting wild oats on the hottest day ever....EVER! I know this will have been dream job for a few of you. Not me. I guess some people are made for this. Farmers, perhaps. Having said that, if they were so made for it, why pay me to do it? Well, it payed for a couple of beers after work. Can't remember what pittance I received, or if I even started day two. Fuck that...I'm itching already.
That first beer was like frosty angel piss on my tongue....
(Tue 21st Feb 2006, 15:26, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Boden
Your mechanic friend was clearly a Scotsman commenting on the totty! The correct response is "arggh bleurgh reet hootnehoot" and something about mooses and hooses.
(Wed 13th Jul 2005, 12:08, More)