» What was I thinking?

I could have dined out on this one for years...
So I was working in a rough-as pub in Hammersmith (part of a famous chain that keeps old alcoholics heated through the winter). I was working in this pub because I had just moved down to the big smoke and needed some cash for rent and stuff.

Now, there are many aspects of working in the pub that were awful (the customers mainly; but the hours, low pay, increased night bus travel all were particular joys) but there were some things that were brilliant. I worked with some amazing people (who, 10 years later are still amongst my closest friends). I had never met an Aussie before, but now I knew loads of them.

One of the girls I worked with was super cute. She was Aussie, funny, loud and really fit....and for some reason, after about a couple of months working together she developed a major crush on me.

One night we were all out at the Palais (RIP) when she took me away from the others on the dancefloor and started thoroughly 'pashing' me as she would describe it. Suffice to say I was really rather pleased with this development.

Now, this same evening the staff from a different pub were also at school disco. These guys used to take their breaks in our pub, as we took our breaks at theirs. One of the girls who worked in there was Polish, chubby, quite pretty and also had the hots for me. (Take it for granted that I am not an oil painting, but I was used to fat lasses liking me). She also, I knew, partook in the occasional bout of lady flirting. I have no idea if it ever went further than this, but I certainly had seen her snog girls.

So, at the end of the night my lovely Aussie came over to me. it was obvious that she and I were going to go back to hers and have some messy (and probably embarrassing) shenannigans. But I was a little surprised to see that she had the Polish girl with her.

"Big Fella" she said "xxxxxxxx says she would like to come back with us. I said it was up to you, but I thought it would be fun".

Well, as you can imagine, i was slightly startled. I mean, I was blatently and openly being odffered a threesome..... I only wish I realised that. I, because I am an idiot, thought that having another girl there would mean that me and my Aussie lady friend would not be able to get up to any messy and embarrassing shenannigans. So I said No.

No.

To a threesome.

With two ladies.

And I would be allowed to play.

Nude.

With two ladies.

I'm a dick.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2010, 14:33, More)

» B3ta Villain of the Year 2010

Old Father Time
What do you mean I'm 35 now?! When the fuck did that happen?

Time.

You.

Cunt.
(Thu 23rd Dec 2010, 13:52, More)

» Babysitters

Daughter of the Devil
Recently Thebiglassie and I were looking after her brother's kids - a 3 year old boy and a seven year old devil-girl.

She averaged 4 MAJOR tantrums a day and was generally a nasty little piece of work. She calmed down as the weekend progressed, mainly down to two things:

1) We ignored her. Completely and utterly ignored the screams, taunts, yells and tears...until

2) When she screamed that she wanted an ice-cream I screamed back at teh top of my voice that I wanted a beer, but couldn't have one because I was stuck with her. I out tantrumed her.

That shut her up. It may not have been great babysitting skills, but was better than hitting her over the head with a shovel which was also very tempting.

When their parents arrived back the missus and I stood up and left our flat and went straight to the pub.

I'm not going to have kids. Can't risk the results of the missus' similar genes.
(Fri 29th Oct 2010, 14:30, More)

» Dad stories

Favouritism
I am one of five kids. My Dad is brilliant, and insists he has no favourites...

"I hate the fucking lot of you".
(Fri 26th Nov 2010, 10:00, More)

» The Onosecond

Sinking feeling...
In the process of designing the early part of our unfortunate (but necessary) redundancies, we needed to think about which office would be worst hit.

I printed the results...

ofuck.....

Only printed the whole report 13 times (appropriate, eh), to the unfortunate office we were planning to decimate. To every printer

Thank the Lord for the admin team there, they manned the printers, gathered the printouts and shredded them.

I'm a useless twunt, I know.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 10:59, More)