» Ignoring Instructions

Oo I got another one
Working with dangerous machinery without following the safety instructions is bad enough, now imagine you are thick as shit.

This is the story of a colleague of my boyfriend's when he was working in a factory job to support himself at uni.

The guy was working on a machine that cut cardboard with a big fuckoff blade. In order to save time a lot of the workers would routinely flout the safety instructions by leaving guards up on machines etc. The inevitable happened and this guy managed to lop a finger off in the machine - house red everywhere, a month off work recuperating, finger could not be reattached so he was left with a little finger stump.

On his first day back he is having a sickness review with his boss. 'So you're feeling better, all ready to come back to work?', 'Oh yes' says the stump fingered guy.

'One thing I still don't understand' says the boss, gesturing at the machine, 'is quite how you managed to cut your finger off in the machine!'.

'Oh, I just did this' he says...

and sticks his hand into the machine.
(Sat 6th May 2006, 23:48, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Pissy clothes
I once had to ring in to work with the following true excuse:

On a night out at my boyfriend's local in Castleford (for non natives, so backwater it hasn't even got a McDonalds) his brother got shitfaced on guinness. I decided to stop over at theirs and go home in the morning to get changed for work. Note: I only have the clothes I am stood up in to wear on the bus home.

Anyway, the bf and I are in the single bed asleep when I am awoken by the sound of running water...there is a figure silhouetted by the door standing bolt upright with his arms by his side. His eyes are closed and there is a look of intense relief on his face.

During the ensuing commotion the following things became clear
1. The dark figure is bf's brother who has
2. mistaken his tiny bedroom for the toilet and
3. pissed all over the floor and
4. my clothes (strewn casually on the floor) are now sodden with wee wee.

My boss was quite nice about it though
(Mon 12th Jun 2006, 18:16, More)

» Missing body parts

Yikes
A couple of years ago my mates dragged me along to the Discworld convention in the luscious Hanover Hotel in Hinckley. On the second night we abandoned the pub quiz and hooked up with a motley bunch of Glaswegian Mechanics who were stunned to find themselves the only ones in the hotel not dressed in some sort of barbarian/witch/bum bagged german costumes.

'There are some strange people here' my mate says to the glaswegians. Apparently not as strange as one of the kids in his class who, and I quote

'Cut his nipples off with scissors'
(Thu 1st Jun 2006, 22:30, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Progress
The year is 1993, and microwaves have finally reached Wakefield (not surprising, we didn't get ra-ra skirts until the year 2000). Not everyone has got them you understand. Indeed it would be 1996 before my family even had a telephone in the house.

Anyway, my mate Craig Pratt's brother should have really read the instructions before he tried to warm up a bowl of beans using his mum's new pride and joy. Surprisingly, cooking baked beans for forty five minutes can lead to you opening the microwave door to wonder where your beans and your plastic bowl went.
(Sat 6th May 2006, 11:58, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

Right...
Typical haul of stuff we are made to take away with us after a visit to the in laws:

Packet of 6 obscure brand norwegian frozen doughnuts - semi defrosted
Three copies of 'yours' magazine (knitting patterns, cake recipes, 'Doctors said lose your baby or your legs type stories)
A pack of three assorted peppers
A fushia pink cardigan of some man made flammable textile, size medium ("it's too big for me but it might fit you")
A copy of Asda instore magazine
Pack of three 'Hike' (logo made to look like Nike) socks off the market
A wicker fruit bowl which has been adorned with a knitted snowman holding the fruitbowl in a fuzzy embrace.

Say. No. More.
(Sat 10th Sep 2005, 0:13, More)