» Heckles

My mate Stan
Imagine Gordon Ramsey Cross bred with Brian Blessed. Stan worked as a chef in Blackpool, and during the season used to only get the odd day off. When he did get a day off, his employer would pay for some entertainment for him and his wife. the quality of some of this entertainment could be a bit random. One week the tickets just happened to be for Cannon and Ball. Now Stan was not that keen, but his wife said that they really shouldn't be unapreciative, so they went. Now Stan is a very large man with a very small Bladder, and made the mistake of having a couple of pints to make the evening tolerable. When he went in he found that unfortunately they had seats on the front row. Ten minutes into the act stan needs to empty his bladder, as he walked out, the one of Cannon and Ball who thinks he's funny went BADUM BADUM BADUM as stan left to go to the toilets. and he got the same treatment as he went back. this did not impress Stan. ten minutes later he had the same problem, and got the same treatment. On his third trip to the toilet, he got the same treatment on the way out,BADUM BADUM BADUM. so on the way back when he reached the middle of the stage he suddenly turned right onto the stage, grabbed the 'comedian' by both ears, and licked him from the tip of the nose, to the top of his head. then went back and sat down, having one stunned to silence comedian, and an Audience that was pissing themselves.

He got no more grief at all that night.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 20:04, More)

» Bizarre habits

I got up ten minutes late for work
one day, so dressed somewhat in a rush. managed to arrive just on time, and after half an hour got summoned into my bosses office to be given a verbal warning for "Not wearing clothing of sufficient standard for the company" It turns out that he'd noticed that I wasn't wearing socks that match. as I left he screamed across the office "And you're not wearing a tie" at which point I burst out laughing., getting my second verbal warning on the spot.

Since when for over 20 years I have never worn socks that match on the grounds that if an employer is going to complain then they're obviously even more of an asshole than most bosses and Id might as well know.
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 13:11, More)

» Lost...

A mate of mine
Had a pair of hampsters in a small student flat. one day he decided to clean the cage out, and whilst doing this the pair escaped.

Several of us spent an hour hunting the missing hamsters and managed to recover one. We then all went off down the pub leaving him to continue the search. After closing time we all went back to his flat to find that the lights no longer worked, so we trooped down to the cellar and replaced the fuse, then went back up to his flat. The reason the fuse had blown was that he had one of those electric fires with the plastic fake coal underneath that was lit up by lightbulbs. Deciding that the only place he hadn't looked was inside the fire, he decided to turn it on so that the hamster, if it was inside would cast a shadow against the plastic coal. What he had forgotten was that he had run out of lightbulbs a couple of weeks earlier and so had knicked one from inside the fire. By sheer chance the hamster happened to have one foot on the live terminal inside the fire.

240v and hamsters does not mix.
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 14:34, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

We had a woman
applying for a job at one of my places of employment. We had a call from the HR department to say could we let her use a computer for a while to allow her to type her CV. Six hours later we rang the HR department and said "she's still here" and they told us to print out whatever she'd written and send her on her way.

So we printed it out and sent it up to HR who rang us and said "Did you read this?" so we went and had a look. the first page started "I was concieved in a small house on the outskirts of..." The rest of the first page consisted of a thorough astrological analysis of her parents and concluded with her date and time of birth. The next five pages were a vague discussion of her childhood, and by the time she'd been shown the door she'd only managed to cover her first job sometime in the 1970's
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 10:57, More)

» Easiest Job Ever

Well it's not my story
But A guy I know worked at a factory all through the 80's and 90's The factory made beer barrels, but had a military production line in a pile of large sheds out the back to make incendiary bombs in case of war. Now this guy finished his apprenticeship, having worked through the foundry and their machining departments. he then was meant to be assigned to one of the two sections but something went wrong in the paperwork and he didnt, so he used to go in each day, clock in, then wander over to the sheds at the back and go inside then place a chair against the dorr and sleep through the day. At the end he'd clock out and go down the pub. End of each week he'd pick his wages up. all the departments knew he worked there, but thought he must work for someone else. He got away with this for 14 years..
(Thu 9th Sep 2010, 20:13, More)