» I met a weirdo on the interweb

I have a gazillion of these stories
One of my favourites was back in my AOL days. This girl IMed me and started chatting me up, then sent me her photo. Imagine my surprise to find a picture straight out of the latest edition of Club International (fantastic publication). I asked her if she'd ever done any modelling - she said no. So when I asked her why her pic was straight out of Club Intetrnational she couldn't sign off fast enough, hehe...

My fave story, however, involves a girl on ICQ. She began by telling me that she was sitting there being licked out by her dog, then went into detail about what she liked to do with him. She then tried to get me involved by suggesting I cover my bits with tuna to lure my cat into giving me pleasure with his rough tongue. When I wasn't too enthusiastic about that she suggested I try it on with my goldfish...

Her parting words were "I'd love to see your goldfish flapping about in your fanny..." before I got scared and signed off sharpish...
(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 18:07, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

These stories are so great
I feel the need to post more. This is very cathartic...

This story concerns some old neighbours of mine, we're going back about 8 years now. He was a young geeky virgin from the UK who'd met his American bride on t'Internet. She was the most annoying bint I've ever had the misfortune to meet in a confined space. She bought a doughnut maker and if you were unlucky enough to be lured into their flat she would try and force feed you doughnuts. Yum, you may think, but when the queasies kicked in after 10 of the buggers and you had to decline the offer of more, she would sulk big time. Think Mrs. Doyle but a million times worse.

Also, picture this: He was a weed with a classic computer geek style. She looked like the left back from the US Butch Dyke hockey team. Scary. She wasn't even smiley enough to compensate for the fact that she was ugly as fuck, and her personality DEFINITELY didn't make up for it...

Anyway, she went back to the US for a little while to finish up at uni. Great, we think, peace and fucking quiet for a while. Until one night there's a knock on our door and when I open it, the geek is standing there. In tears. Apparently she has just informed him via MSN that she's been having an affair with someone at uni, so obviously (especially because of his young virgin heart) he's devastated. However, I don't deal with it very well, and it's all I can do to fight back the pantwetting laughter. Not that I was laughing at him, you understand - it was the thought of someone finding this annoying ugly bint attractive enough to shag that caused my mirth to rise.

So I did what any good neighbour does: I got my boyfriend at the time to come and sort it out ("I think this would be better done man-to-man") while I retired to the bedroom to chuckle myself stupid...

I can't remember what happened to them after that. If they're still together he's probably tied up in the cupboard being forcefed doughnuts...


(I make no apologies for length, BTW. Never have, never will.)
(Sat 18th Mar 2006, 11:45, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

My legendary ouija board
Made from the sign I nicked from Torquay's DHSS office back in '93. One night my housemates and I decided to get cracking on the board. Oooooh, it was weird, we talked to the guy who apparently used to live in the house back in the day. The stuff he was saying explained much of the weird presences felt by the residents of the house at odd times (footsteps along the hall, the feeling that someone's standing in the doorway watching you, etc etc).

Anyway, my housemate's girlfriend was a bit sceptical, so she said "If you're really there, do something to prove it." At that moment, all the lights went out, but not just in our house. The lights had gone out all over the centre of Torquay...

Five minutes later we'd abandoned the board and our soiled garments and were out in the streets witnessing the chaos and looting...

Oh, and if you're looking to scare the bejesus out of yourself, go to Berry Pomeroy castle in South Devon (somewhere between Paignton and Totnes). I have a few tales from there, it's the best...
(Sat 22nd Apr 2006, 10:38, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Here's another from me
As we all seem to at one time or another, I've joined the odd online dating agency. Haven't really been on many dates through them - mainly because it's not until I get on the date that I realise WHY I don't go on Internet dates. But I'm a game bird and will try anything for a laugh...

This particular story revolves around arranging to meet a guy off the Internet. Blindly. His details: 42, 6', long black hair. Fine, I thought, not so bad. I arranged to meet him in Rockworld in Manchester - a nice busy place and great likelihood of me knowing someone there should I need rescuing.

ANYWAY, I get to Rockworld and text him to get him to come and meet me in the lobby. (before I've gotten there I've had all manner of cheesy texts off him - like "mmm, make sure you dress up for me nice" and other stuff that's too misogynistic for words. There goes first warning bell.)

After a while I get a text back, telling me that he's outside by the door. I get to the door to find: 42 - plus the ten years he forgot to add on to be telling the truth. 5'6" instead of 6'. Long black hair? Long, yes, but only at the back - the man had a fucking greasy mullet which was seriously losing fur up top. he looked like Mick fucking McManus in a leather jacket.

Anyway, apparently 'some guys' were after him and that's why he was outside. He tried to lure me to a 'nice quiet bar' but all I wanted to do was run (not to mention the fact that I had already paid to get in AND checked my coat.) I was getting a nasty perv vibe off him, therefore I wasn't going anywhere with him, especially alone.

So I sacked him off and went back into Rockworld while he stormed off like a sulky kid (NO JOKE!!). I didn;t miss out though as I ended up pulling a fit 19 year-old German metal type. Mein Teil!!! :-D
(Wed 22nd Mar 2006, 19:57, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

When I were a lass
Terry Duckworth (aka Nigel Pivaro) was the hottest thing to tread the cobbles of Coronation Street. Imagine my horror when I saw Mr. Pivaro looking a) fat and b) off his tits at a party in Manchester, round about 1994. He was chewing his gum and doing that thing where you stretch it out of your mouth as long as you can before stuffing it back in. Ee, it were gruesome...
(Fri 26th May 2006, 20:11, More)