» Job Interviews

Underhand Tactics
I turned up for my first proper job interview (i.e. not shelf stacking) and was told to wait in an outer office whilst an interview before mine was finished. I sat in this office for forty minutes, chatting to the gorgeous middle aged blonde type writer jockey. Just as I start to complain about how long the other interview is taking, the lovely blonde shook me by the hand and asked when I could start.

Evil, evil tactics! There was no other interview! Still, I have never felt so relaxed, relieved and desperate to remember if I had incriminated myself.

She really is a great boss. (just in case she is reading this post)
(Tue 25th Jan 2005, 21:45, More)

» Pure Ignorance

My darling wife
On of our mangy toms was rubbing his face against my leg, and I planned on giving my wife a brief education in wildlife. The cat was rubbing scent glands just below his eyes against my leg, just like Deer do.

Me: "What do Deer and Cats have in common?"
MDW: "Antlers?"

Bless.
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 0:17, More)

» Toilets

When on a military exercise....
....I found a handy fallen tree with a forked branch sturdy enough to sit on; an organic bogseat. A good couple of days of ration packs had me fairly well bunged, and this was the chance my bowels needed to relax properly and dump the lot. Just as I was finishing, the branch snapped, and I dropped two feet, arse first, into a couple of days worth of shit. It was everywhere; I was picking it out of my clothes for the next two days, with no chance to shower or even change clothes. I also got a lot of personal space.

Now I am paid by the hour and not playing silly buggers, I normally take as many shites a day as I can, printing off anything I might want to read and stashing it in my pocket. Managing three or more shits in one working day is the goal, and known locally as a "shat Trick".
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 22:00, More)

» Fire!

I bought one of those Airzooka things.
We got drunk and filled it with butane lighter fuel. My idea was that we could fire balls of flame, so my pissed mate held a lighter in front of it whilst I operated it. All it did was blow out the lighter, so I tried putting the lighter inside the butane filled airzooka. I'm amazed it didn't explode; instead it ignited inside the bucket shaped device and started to melt the plastic.

So what would YOU have done reader?

Probably not what I did.

I blew directly into the airzooka really hard to try to blow out the flames.

Apparently my head was engulfed in flames as I turned the airzooka into a giant blowtorch, burning my face lobster red and making the skin taut and painful.It hurt; even my lips blistered.

And about a year later I tried running a parrafin blowlamp on petrol. It exploded, and I had to go to the burns unit every day to have my dressings changed for almost a month. I remember the skin hanging from my hand. I wish I couldn't remember that in retrospect.

uurrrrg. I guess I'm just stupid.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 21:28, More)

» Essential Items

This seems to be a bragging list.
So here goes.
I have the latest and most expensive phone, solid platinum house keys for my stirling silver house, a tangerine given to me by Bob Dylan and a speculum I am told has been jammed into Dawn French.

And my huge bum-stumper.
(Fri 28th Oct 2005, 18:54, More)