» Useless Information

Wearing out the b3ta website
Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear.......
(Tue 22nd Mar 2005, 13:48, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

People who link to the "I like this" link....
Look people,

I know it's become popular but I'm a priest and therefore more honest than most. But I still did the pretty blatent link. See the listing for the "Useless information" question:

www.b3ta.com/questions/uselessinformation/

(look it up via other means if you wish).....

Now that was something I did to cheat the great-lords of b3ta but I quite commonly go further:

I have a Blue Peter badge and dog collar which has got me out of many a scrape including when I went to get to see Led Zepplin. The two factors meant that I could stand at the edge of the stage, go to their back-stage party, and some of their groupies got very friendly with me! We never actually did it but they seemed to find the idea of rubbing themselves up and down a priest very good fun.

I have also used my collar to get out of speeding tickets ("I have to get to a funeral"), family events ("I have a ceremony to perform"), tea in skanky, chavvy, grease-scummed cups ("I'm full of tea from other parishioners, thanks"), baggage being scanned at airports ("Holy Water is affected by X-Rays"), builder's bills ("The roof will be paid for" - heh, who's going to take a priest to court?), Poll Tax (but that wasn't realy a cheat, it was just evil).

But the best little cheat that I play is that every week I never give my parishioners their holy stuff every week.....it's just rice paper and shit wine. I spend the money that my parish gives me on proper booze and fags.

Probably my last post here.

Even if you haven't sneezed: Bless You!

Jerry

PS: I really am a priest and it's getting just to dangerous to post on here.
(Sun 20th Nov 2005, 1:10, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

Emma
I was quiet when I was young. Not shy, but just didn't see the point of saying anything if I didn't have anything worthwhile to say. This is a terrible problem when trying to chat up girls, especially when attempting to talk to Emma for the first time. She had long, blond hair, big blue eyes and a fantastic body (even though we were both about 10 years old, she still had a perfect figure). So we devised a plan, 'we' being myself, Greg, Steve and Brian: I'd phone her up and ask her if she'd like to go and watch a film with me. The four of us set up an amazingly elaborate script which covered all eventualities; every conceivable twist in the conversation was covered - no matter what Emma said, we were confident we'd have a pre-prepared answer. The time came to make the call. I had the several sheets of A4, Greg, Steve and Brian were listening on the extension so that they could hear how things went and could point to the relevant part of the script if I lost control of things, and the most nerve-wracking call of my life began.....

Me: Hi Emma
Emma: Hi Jerry. How're you
Me: Fine thanks. Just wondered if you'd like to go see a film on Friday
Emma: Sure. Shall I come over to your place for about seven o'clock?
Me: That sounds good. See you on Friday.
Emma: Bye


I'm so astounded at how easy it all was that I'm stunned into silence. A silence which is filled by Greg, et al yelling things down the extension like, "You've nailed her", "You're gonna have your hands inside her knickers within a minute" and "She's gonna be sucking you like a whore" together with other unsavoury comments.

Emma: I'm still here you know. I'm never going to speak to you ever again.

And she didn't.
(Sun 29th Oct 2006, 17:15, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Dogs
They're a yappy, friendly bunch of mans-best-friend type of thing. They trust humans lots and have been so out-bred of real natural instinct that they are the epitome of man's domestic pets. They fetch slippers, the newspaper and if properly trained the odd curry.

Anyway, back to realism.

Myself and Greg knew his dog was blind (you can see where this is going) and we were pretty cool with that. We were pretty considerate and clapped whenever we called him to encourage him to move with the sound. He was good and learned where holes and flower beds in the garden were - pretty cool. He was a damn fine dog and wouldn't hurt anything, even when my kid sister poked him in the eye, he just sat there and wondered what had happened/why something had done that to him.

He was a chocolate labrador and would potter around *HIS* garden all day and recognised when his food was being ready by hearing the sound of the tin opener being removed from the drawer at about 5pm. Even then, he wouldn't run; just pad his way to the back door and stand there until he was invited in to have his dinner.

He loved children because they would makes lots of laughing noises whenever he moved and that's what he loved - pleasing people for no other reason that they just petted him on his head and stroked his ears. Like I say he was a wonderful pet and in his own right, one of my family when I was very young.

His demise was particularly distressing but not caused by myself. Greg and I were chucking a tennis ball around in the garden where 'said chocolate lab' lived and Greg got a bit too enthusiastic. Off the ball went, over the fence, into the road. Realising that the dog would try and follow the ball we shouted, "No!" and he stopped. He followed Greg's command like a statue and waited patiently for the next step. What a good dog :=)

Greg went out of the gate and retrieved the ball from the gutter at the other side of the road and threw it back to me in the garden. Bad move! He was a crap throw and couldn't see where the dog was. The ball hit the front of a moving car on my side of the road and bounced off. Hearing this the dog set off to get the ball. He knew where the fence was and clumsily jumped over; sprinting for where he thought the noise came from he ran into the middle of the road and just smelled around 'looking' for the tennis ball. I remember so clearly the feeling as I saw him there with the innocent face and lolling tongue waiting to be told what to do.

And then the car came.

Some fucking stupid Talbot Horizon was driving towards him and (it seems) was only yards away from the trusting labrador!
Screeching of brakes and a horrible yelping sound emitted.

I opened my eyes to see Greg holding 'Choco Lab' in his arms. My stomach was like a black hole and I thought the kind old mutt was dead. But the noise had come from Greg! What he'd actually done was jump in front of the car to save his dog: "Lab" was fine but Greg has forever suffer from a rather creaky back where the car had hit him.

Lab died of a heart attack when he was about eight - I was at uni by then so couldn't see *his* family at the time.

I'm still friends with Greg and every time we meet we talk about "Lab" (much to the annoyance of everyone else) until they tell us to shut up.

I don't care. That Chocolate Labrador was the best dog I've ever known. and I don't care if this doesn't quite fit with this QOTW topic but there you go.

Length....about 25 years ago now and I still see it as if it was yesterday.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 3:26, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

Quick one...
There were lots of motivational signs around a place that I used to work at in Leeds.

One of them was, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem".

I changed the last part to say, "...you're part of the precipitate".

It made me laugh.
(Sun 12th Aug 2007, 8:14, More)