» The B3TA Detective Agency

We created a mystery which the people involved may never solve
Driving my cousin home late one Friday night after he had done some some plastering work on my house we passed by a group of boys walking in to town, just as we drove past our attention was brought to them by one of them dancing like a tit, with his pals laughing, unbeknownst to him as he was doing this his wallet fell out his back pocket.

My cousin suggested we turn around at the next roundabout and go back and see what was in the wallet.

By the time we got turned round the boys were nowhere to be seen and the area was deserted, after some searching we found the wallet which contained just 20 pounds, cards and a ticket to a gig that night. We decided to find the boys and give the wallet back, laughing at how he would be surprised to be approached and handed his own wallet.

But then, somehow, a much more funny idea came about.

First we drove around until we spotted them.

Then, knowing they were heading in to town and that the area was quiet and industrial, we drove about a quarter of a mile ahead, checking no one else was around.

We then placed the wallet on the pavement so it would be in their path once they reached the spot.

We then hid and watched them approach, say 'hey, that's someone's wallet over there!' , walk up to it, pick it up excitedly, open it looking for riches, and inexplicably discover it was theirs.

The absolute confusion and surprise was hilarious to watch, I like to think they still talk about how one of their wallets somehow jumped ahead of them and come up with crazy scenarios to try to explain it.

We then drove on crying with laughter, I still think it was one of the best and most simple pranks we have ever pulled off.
(Sat 15th Oct 2011, 15:28, More)

» School Naughtiness

I flooded the school and burnt down the church hall
When I was 6 I had just started first school in Bristol, and I'd like to say now that I'm a perfectly law abiding sort of chap, but for about 6 months at this young age I went though what can only be described as a period of criminal insanity.

The classroom was a very liberal type, you could come and go to the toilets or the school hall as you wished without asking permission, so I would quite often just wander off when bored, and one day for some reason I decided just before home time to stuff soap in to all the over flows on the sinks and turn all the taps on just a little.

I returned 10 minutes later to see that while water was trickling over the edge it was somehow then going down behind the sinks in to the floor and it was not obvious that the room was flooding, sad about this I then returned to the classroom and we all went home. For the weekend.

Needless to say the school was closed on Monday and we had a 'very special assembly' on Tuesday.

It seemed that the entire basement boiler room had been flooded, then the school itself had been flooded due to my antics - I don't remember feeling in the slightest bit scared that I might be caught or that I'd done anything wrong, I even told my friends it was me. Nothing happened.

I then set my sights on making a very old stone built wall in the playground collapse, right on to my friends foot, which was smashed in to a bloody mess, again nothing happened to me and I felt no guilt about it.

Then a few days later my juvenile criminal crime wave came to its apogee, my next door neighbour had stolen a lighter! Wow, we can make fire, so we set off to the school church hall which was a wood built building where we would have things like the Christmas play and nativity, it was the middle of summer and closed in preparation for the approaching holidays.

Walking around the side of the building and having burned everything we could find on our way here (crisp packets, leaves, trying to make a flaming torch etc.) we saw something which made us go absolutely silent - a huge pile of hay protruding from a broken window - to this day I have no idea why hay was coming out of a window, but there it was.

So yes, we set it on fire and laughter turned to sheer terror as the whole pile of straw instantly burst in to flames and the whole building started to burn to the ground.

I honestly feel terrible about these events now, but at the time I just went home and kept quiet, even when the police came at 9pm and got me out of bed I kept calm and quiet and denied everything.

My friend admitted to it and seeing as it was he who stole the lighter he took the full blame. His family moved away shortly afterwards and I never saw him again.

After that the whole madness seemed to stop and I never did anything that naughty again.

I still cannot understand my odd behaviour for those few weeks, I even returned to visit the site of the fire a few years ago and there are now flats built on the land.

So there, I've confessed, it's out in the open, and I promise I won't do it again.
(Thu 8th Sep 2011, 20:00, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Domains
Not buying sex dot co dot uk when I was offered it in 1996 for around five grand. I tried to chip him down to something i could afford but he sold it to someone else a few weeks later for seven grand. Yeah I could probably still be living off that investment. Bah.
(Wed 11th Oct 2006, 5:30, More)