» Cringe!

Summer love.
When I was a lad of 15, I had a bit of a crush on a Spanish student that visited these shores to learn English for the summer. She was beautiful to me in every way that it is possible to see beauty in someone.

I was painfully shy, so it took weeks just to get up the nerve to talk to her.
One gloriously sunny day ,I was taking my dog for a walk (not a euphemism), when I saw her sitting in the local park, I let my dog off the lead (again, not a euphemism) and strolled over and said hi.

She patted the ground beside her indicating I should sit. So I sat. And we talked for a little while.

Then she looked at me oddly. I felt a strange warm sensation rising up my back. So this is love, I thought for a moment.

She wasn't looking at me, though - she was looking past me, over my shoulder.

So I looked over my shoulder, and there was my faithful hound pissing on me.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 10:40, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Cereal
I used to love Sugar Puffs, but found that the box didn't last nearly long enough.

So I told my brother that Sugar Puffs were actually 'shaved bees', and soon after discovered that a box would last much longer.
(Wed 19th Jan 2011, 10:26, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

At the zoo I used to work in
I was in charge of ordering the veterinary supplies. One Wednesday Laura, a rather tasty animal handler, told me that Gordon, one of the male gorillas was falling over and couldn't keep his balance. She thought it might be a bad inner ear infection and asked me to order some antibiotic cream. I rang the suppliers and was told that the medicine I wanted was only available in 10 Gallon drums. I had no choice but to order it.
And that was the biggest dizzy ape ointment I ever had.

sorry.
(Thu 26th Jun 2008, 14:59, More)

» Sticking it to The Man

Slightly animated.
I used to work for a graphic design firm. That is until I was let go, because there wasn't enough work to go around in my line (Multimedia and 3D animation).
I went freelance for a while and Ronnie, the boss of the Design company used to throw me a few jobs here and there, but was always late paying for them, or would wait until I had a few payments due before calling me in to 'haggle'. I might get paid, if I, for example, took a 30% cut in what was due to me.
I didn't think it was fair as, 1: he had already haggled the price down before I started the individual jobs and 2: he always wanted more work done on each of the jobs for free. BUT I was skint so the need for cash always outweighed any desire I might have to get on my high horse about it.

One job (the last one), he told me he had a BIG client he wanted to impress. He handed me a hand-drawn doodle of a character and wanted it animated with text around it. I figured it would take the guts of a day to finish and quoted him £100. I took the sketch and built the footballer character in 3D and animated him nicely soloing a ball -
with the text of the logo forming around him. It was a nice small job, and I was proud of it.
Ronnie wasn't happy though. He went ballistic and told me I had changed the sketch too much. It was now 3D and whatnot. and wasn't a sketch and whatnot, etc.
I tried explaining that I was a 3D animator and that's how I worked, and I assumed he knew this, as we had worked on similar projects before. But no, it wasn't what we 'agreed' but graciously he would give me a second chance to make amends. However, he wanted some changes. The character was now supposed to receive the ball on his chest, allow it to drop to his feet, solo it, do some more tricks, and then spectacularly overhead kick it to the screen, where it would imprint the text of the logo. All in this 2D sketch style he liked. and all for the original £100. I asked for some of the money up front, 'No' was the reply 'you might fuck off with it'.

So..... what to do, what to do, what to do. I worked like a beaver for the next few days. Ronnie called on the Friday told me the client was flying into the country on Tuesday, and that my animation was the lynchpin for his whole proposal. I told him everything would be ready on time.
Monday rolled around - my phone was switched off until 9 that evening. 9.01 I get a call from an irate 'where the fuck is my animation' Ronnie, I reassured him, saying that I was doing some tidying up of his animation, with one of my friends who works for Disney.

The meeting was scheduled for 10 the following morning, I told him I'd be there at 9, or 8.30 if he preferred. He did prefer.
So, the following day at 10 to 10, I turned on the phone. 22 missed calls. Damn. Rang him, said I was sorry, but my alarm had not gone off, and I was on my way. I told him to get the computer ready, every second counts.
The client was there when I arrived, waiting in the studio. all the staff were standing around drinking coffee. Ronnie said ' yeeeaaahh, at last - here's the genius'. So I put the CD into the drive and waited for the animation to load. 'Hit play when you're ready Ronnie',I joked 'that's the one with the triangle'.
Cue laughs all round. Ronnie got up spoke for a couple of minutes about the proposal and how it tied all the services and merchandise into a tight package and eventually hit play.
DISASTER! it was the wrong animation, the one that was initially rejected. Ronnie glared, I apologised, and loaded up the new one. He hit play again. This time the little character was on screen, soloing the ball when another, slightly bigger character with Ronnie's face came on screen and proceeded to buttfuck the footballer, all the while singing Ronnie is a bollix, to the tune of Match of the day.

I never did get the £100.
(Mon 21st Jun 2010, 11:23, More)

» The Emergency Services

I work as a police emergency calltaker.....
I took a call one evening, it was probably the most angry man i' ve ever had to deal with, imagine a man with a gravelly voice shouting into the phone. The exchange went something like this.

Me: Police emergency, what is your emergency?

Angry man: I want the police!

Me: Why do you want the police?

Angry man: it's serious, I want the fuckin' police, and I want the fuckin' police NOW!

Me: I need to know what happened, or I can't send police.

Angry man: Alright, it's my fuckin' neighbour, he painted his wall blue, and I leaned against the fuckin' wall and now my jacket is wrecked.

Me: That is not an emergency....

Angry man: It is an emergency, because he didn't put a wet paint sign up.

Me: That is not an emergency, it is not even a call for the police, and I will not be sending police around.

Angry man: What? You're not sending police around? Are you fuckin' serious? Would you send them around if I was stabbed?.....

Me: Well, yes because if you were stabbed, then that would be an emergency, and I would send police, and would have to contact the ambulance service on your behalf.

Angry man: Alright, I've been stabbed!

Me: No sir, I don't believe you have been stabbed, and I am disconnecting this line, as you are holding up an emergency line, reserved for genuine emergencies.

I then disconnected the line. 15 seconds later he called back.

Angry man: hello, I want the police, I've been stabbed and shot. Get them here now...
(Thu 16th May 2013, 13:22, More)