» Housemates

Just this morning...
Having spent a highly enjoyable snooze in the girlfriends bed as she had buggered of early for a job interview I reluctantly drag myself out of bed.

Quick shower and a shave I am ready to take on the world! The world, however, has different ideas.

One of the aforementioned girlfriends flatmates has deadbolted the door and I am locked in (honestly! What if there had been a fire???). After a short time hunting for a spare key (no luck) I consider my options. This brings me to the kitchen. The flat is an old council estate with a walkway running past the kitchen and front door. After a quick investigate I find that one of the windows opens fully and I can escape!

I fashion a loop of Macguyver-esque string so I can pull the latch on the window closed after my escape. I climb out and breathe the sweet, fresh air of freedom, turn around and pull the window shut. Success! The latch clicks into place and the house is once again secure. Eager to get going I turn around and walk to work with a spring in my step...

...and spring straight into the warm, welcoming arms of the wonderful, ever vigilant metropolitan police force. Arse.

Length - about half an hour of providing work, home and personal details, contact number to girlfriend, verifying my identity, emptying my bag to prove that 'no, you probably wouldn't want to steal cycling gear that smells THAT bad' and them promising to return when girlfriend + flatmates are in to ensure that I am who I am and that nothing has been stolen.

And that is the story of how I burgled my girlfriends flatmates.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 11:20, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

They tried to make me join.
Sweden is in the process of getting rid of the draft, but I was lucky enough to be called in for duty. Being a long haired hippie at the time, I was having none of it. It's two days of stupid tests and you get an assignment at the end of it.

So I systematically set about doing as badly as I possibly could. I now have a piece of paper that tells me that I; am suitable for a position with limited theoretical requirments, am unsuitable for a stress induced situations at war (Messing with the minds of a psychologist is great fun), 2/9 muscle power, 9/9 stamina and good blood pressure (It was a cycling test. I love cycling and I was damned if I was going to fail that one). Got refered to a hearing specialist because I failed the hearing test (Randomly clicked the button when I 'heard' a beep) and during the doctors interview I had many things to complain about (Bum knee, dodgy stomach...)

At the end you go to what is essentially a guidance counselor. The guy looks at my papers, says "You don't want to be here, do you?", "Nope.", "You are what we call 'a draft dodger'. Go away and don't come back."

I was placed in group D. As I understand it, once the big bad Ruskies invade Sweden and groups A, B and C are killed, I'm up.
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 23:23, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Being Bilingual
rocks.

Sit on a bus in London, listen to Swedish people speak of veneral diseases, who they shagged and taking the piss out of the people around them, blissfully unaware that someone is listening to every word.

Even better to loudly translate everything they're saying to your mates and then watch their expressions as they realise what you're doing.

Endless amusement.
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 22:28, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Union minibuses are like gigantic whiteboards.
'cause no bugger ever cleans them.

So we used one to go diving, and while some of our group were underwater, this was written on the side of the bus:

"Dave's mum is this dirty, (arrow pointing to circle around some dirt on the side of the bus) but Chris' mum is only this dirty (arrow pointing to circle around a slightly less dirtier part of the bus).

This was all well and good, but Chris took offense when Dave put the icing on the cake by adding "but she squeals".

It's still there several months later and the bus is regularly driven around South Kensington, London and the UK on a regular basis.

Neither Chris nor Dave will tell us where their mothers live.

Edit: Arse. Union staff read B3ta too...
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 17:45, More)

» Childhood Ambitions

Smug
Always loved cycling: Became a courier at 18 (not a courier anymore, but still)

Always loved snorkeling, wanted to learn to dive: Now a qualified instructor.

All I need now is to find a company with the need for an underwater cyclist and I'm sorted!
(Fri 30th Mar 2007, 17:14, More)