» Kids

A hedgehod called...
As a nipper, I proudly came home from playschool with a hedgehog that I'd made from half a potato and a load of drinking straws.

"Wow, he looks very spikey, what are you going to call him?" asked my Mum.
I thought about it for a bit: hedgehog, spikey...

"Prick", I decided.

Mum talked me into calling him Spike.
(Tue 22nd Apr 2008, 23:45, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Failed the first test
My brother was considering joining the Royal Navy when he was younger and I went over to Liverpool with him so he could go to the Information Centre. I'm sat at the side of the office next to the Army desk when a young lad strolls in and walks up to the squaddie sitting behind the desk.
"I'd like to join the marines!"
The bloke looked him up and down and then said:
"You'll want the Royal Navy desk then."

Stupid twunt.

One of the lads in work was telling me a couple of stories his ex-SAS uncle had been telling him. They were somewhere in famine-hit Africa and were trying to supervise a relief air drop. On seeing the crates parachuting down from the sky, some of the locals ran underneath to catch them, not realising they weighed rather a lot. Not speaking the local language they had no way of telling them not to do that, so several of the locals got squished that day.
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 21:10, More)

» Pet Peeves

Facebook
This has probably already been said, but:
People who add every possible application to their profile so when I log in my screen is filled with every stupid thing they've wasted their time on.

I like seeing what my friends are up to, any news they have, photos of nights out etc.

I don't give a fuck who you've hugged, raced, bought a drink, tagged, kissed, rated as a shag, done a quiz about etc.

Dammit. I'm that angry I've eaten half a packet of fruit digestives while I've typed that. The missus won't be happy about that.
(Sat 3rd May 2008, 15:19, More)

» Pet Peeves

Motorcyclists
I don't mean all motorcyclists, I specifically mean the dickheads who get their bikes out only when it's sunny and then spend 20 minutes reving it up for no reason.

To the bloke on my estate who is doing this now: I've no idea what you think you're trying to achieve, but what you have achieved is to make all your neighbours think you're a cunt.
(Sat 3rd May 2008, 14:02, More)

» Why I was late

Tied up. Or not.
A school friend's Dad died suddenly and despite not having kept in touch since my A-Levels I thought I'd go along and show my support for him & his family. The funeral was only 10 minutes away from where I live and didn't start until 10:30 so I took the morning off. I woke up at about 7 when my wife got up and once I was up and almost ready I had some breakfast and messed about on the Xbox for a couple of hours.

10AM, plenty of time I go to put my shoes and and tie and... I've forgotten how to tie a tie.
I wore one from the age of 5 to 18 at school. I still wore one on big occasions in work but I stood like a moron in front of the mirror completely unable to remember how to do it.

In the end, I had to look it up on the Internet. When I did eventually leave, I then got stuck in roadworks for a junction that had only been finished the year before but they'd decided to dig up again. I got to the crematorium for the last 4 minutes of the service.

As I'm writing, my wife has insisted that I mention that I wasn't ready for our first proper date when she turned up at our house. I answered the door in my dressing gown. I'd been on the PS2 playing GTA all day and lost track of time.
(Wed 4th Jul 2007, 22:09, More)