» The Police

Bad news and worse news
My friend's sister was tragically killed while on her gap year in Africa.

A new WPC (who has kept in contact with the family) was given the task of breaking the news to her mum and dad. It was the first such "tell the relatives" thing she had had to do.

She and a colleague drive up to her parent house to tell them the bad news. There is a crunch on the drive way. Not only have the parents lost their only daughter but now their cat too.

I suppose the conversation could only be "I have some bad news and some really bad news...".
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 10:40, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

BMX Bum Rape
1982. I was 11. Woolworth's finest BMX, the Scorcher was my wheels and it looked good. Chrome body, silver pattern, blue mag wheels and a blue seat. A long, hard, pointy blue seat...

My mates had grifters and old choppers and improvised racers with bull horn handlebars. My bike rocked by comparison. Off we went to the local building site where some raised manhole covers made good jumps.

All was going well until I landed front wheel first. I went forward over the handlebars and performed a very elegant handstand. The BMX though continued on its path to glory and the seat (that one, the long, blue, hard one) found a handstanding young boy's bottom hole just too much to resist and entered with some force.

Apparently, the sight of an 11 year old unable to move from the handstand position and screaming for a bike to be removed from his bottom was a sight to behold.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 12:18, More)

» Babysitters

Plastic fantastic
When I was about 12 my parents took me to visit my cousin who was a couple of years younger than me. My uncle hadn't realised I was going to be there so had organised a babysitter for my cousin while all the oldies went out for barn dance/cheese and wine/fonsue party (whatever they did in the 70s).

I was old enough to have been left alone and could have sat for him on my own but the babysitter was already there. I was mortified to think that I would be babysat when I was about to become a teenager however...

She was a local girl of about 14 I suppose. To say that my rapidly developing hormones starting pumping was an understatement. Said cousin was put to bed on time and then the babysitter and I began to enjoy a night to remember: she was beautiful (which in retrospect probably means developed) funny, engaging and assumed I was about her age so didn't have that disdain that teenagers have for younger children.

We talked for ages then things rapidly heated up and we moved to the next level...to the snooker room. My uncle is rich so had a full blown games room with a snooker table and assorted games paraphenalia: We had hours of fun throwing darts, pre-tend boxing using the punch bag, playing snooker, table tennis, cards. I think there was even an Atari games console. We laughed, drank (ice cream sodas), ate fine food (monster munch and leftover chinese) What a night. Doing all the things I would do during the day with my cousin but with a beautiful girl who had become my vision of the perfect woman.

At the end of the evening I just didn't want to go home but my parents arrived and that was it.

On the way home my parents asked me about the babysitter. More specifically they asked whether I thought it was a bit weird. I hadn't got a clue what they were going on about. "What was weird?" I asked. Well, didn't her plastic arm look a bit funny?

I met her again at a family do shortly afterwards and lo and behold she had a completely prosthetic arm with a plastic 'formerly belonged on a dummy from Burton's manequin' hand at the end of it. I'd played snooker with her and not noticed FFS! My innocent mind and raging hormones had blinded me to any imperfection.

(Incidentally, arm or none, I still would have! I've also just realised why I find the one-armed present of CBeebies particularly attractive - and her stump is not the nicest!)
(Fri 29th Oct 2010, 16:34, More)

» Saying the Unsayable

I don't know how to say this but...
A genuine (and tragic) story from a friend of mine.

Friend had a younger sister who was on a gap year in Africa. There was a terrible accident and she was killed. A lady policy officer was given the task of breaking the news to the family. The family kept in contact with the police officer so found out later that she was junior at the time and this was the first bit of bad news she had had to break.

Anyway, policelady drives into the drive of the parents house ready to break the news to the unsuspecting couple. An incident occurs in the dirveway leading to the following conversation being started by a very distraught policelady: "I'm [sob] terribly sorry but I have some bad news for you. Please can I come in. [Sob] I don't know where to start but I'm afraid your daughter has been involved in an accident and we've been informed that she was killed. [sob] I'm also sorry to have to say that I have just run over your cat. [Sobs uncontrollably]..."
(Fri 11th Jan 2013, 10:22, More)

» Cringe!

What a tanned tummy
It was summer. I had met my girlfriend after work at the train station and we walked up the road to the local mini-mart to get a bottle of wine. I went down one ailse, her the other.

I went to the counter with my purchase then noticed that my girlfriend had a very tanned torso under her crop top. "I never noticed you had such a good tan," said I as I rubbed her tummy in an affectionate / bawdy manner.

"I don't!" she replied. From behind the woman whose naked stomach I was rubbing.

(Why I though my girlfriend who had just got back from work as a lawyer would have a cropped top on I don't know - probably too used to talking to her chest)
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 19:39, More)