» Never Meet Your Heroes

Snorting Yellow Pages Bloke
My mate told me yesterday about when he was in the bogs at some London bar and could hear someone sniffing away in one of the cubicles. Moments later out walks James Nesbitt. He goes to the sinks, where my mate was washing his hands. He looks over, possibly hoping for some kind of reponse. My mate, cynical bastard, pretends not to know who he is and simply nods an alright. Nesbitt proceeds to turn on the tap and sprays his groin with water. He laughs and turns round to my mate and says:

'Can you believe that I, James Nesbitt, has just made it look like I've pissed myself?!'

My mate looks at him, smiles and says:

'Yeah, nice one mate.'

Then walks out.
(Sat 27th May 2006, 14:49, More)

» Family Holidays

Bournemouth
To the twat who tried to start a fight with me outside Bournemouth's "lovely" exhibition centre (I was barely thirteen and was with my mum and dad and my little brother) I hope you're in prison and getting rammed up the arse daily.
(Sat 4th Aug 2007, 15:17, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

The Queens poo - Part two
Maybe you could fashion the turd into a piece of neckware. Then you could pay enough dosh to the government and get a knighthood.

When you get knighted HM will obviously, seeing as she has to make a comment about you, gesture towards your strange bit of bling and will ask:

'That's an interesting necklace. What is it?'

You can reply:

'Your Majesty. It is one of your turds.'
(Fri 4th Aug 2006, 16:57, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Sick joke
This guy goes into his local and orders a scotch. As he fires it down the landlord says 'You look a bit cheerful tonight, Fred.' Fred says 'Well last night I was walking the dog down by the railway and I came across this lass tied to the line.' The landlord raises his eyebrows. 'Go on', he says. 'Well,' Fred continues, 'I untied her and took her back home. And we got down to it. Man, it was amazing. We did it on the kitchen table. We shagged on the stairs, we shagged on the bed, in the bed, under the bed. We did it from behind in the shower. Had a bath. Did it again in front of the telly. That Little Britain was on. Seen it?' Landlord shakes his head. 'Dead funny,' says Fred. 'Anyway this morning I took her back down to the railway and left her there. What a night.' Landlord pours him another drink. Fred downs it. 'So was she a good looking lass then,' asks the landlord. Fred looks up blankly. 'Dunno mate. I never found her head.'

Boom Boom!
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 10:10, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Car running
When we were young me and a couple of friends used to run across the cars parked along the street. They were always parked bumper to bumper and we'd start at one end, run up the bonnet across the roof, over the boot then over the next car and so on until we got to the end. Great days. We've all got important jobs in the City now.
(Sun 22nd Jul 2007, 9:16, More)