» Common

Plumbers...
In recent months I haven’t had any stories that fit with the qotw and I was going to post this in off topic last week but think it may just fit for this weeks question…huzzah.

A few years ago a mate of mine dropped out of his nine-to-five drudgery sacked off the North East and set about reinforcing Northern stereotypes in London in his new life as a plumber. Not an easy decision for him to make – but he’s to be commended for having the balls to start afresh.

Al – for that be his name – was called out to a flat in St John’s Wood – home to some of the most expensive properties in the world, apparently it’s a rather splendid place. The flat in question had a concierge service and when Al asked for lady of the flat the concierge quipped “best of luck mate”. Al thinks this is odd but he and his boss get their tools and head upstairs.

They are greeted at the door by an immaculately turned out lady, early 50s and clearly worth a few quid –she’s pleasant enough and shows the two lads to the kitchen where the problem seems to reside and they get to work. Please note: this isn’t supposed to sound like the start to a piss poor porno. Starting in the cupboards under the kitchen sink Al’s boss is trying to reach through toward the room next door where his Al is. At this point they can actually see each other – peering through a wall cavity – both are lying on their fronts trying to fix whatever the problem is.

Suddenly Al’s boss starts pulling faces and mouthing what are clearly expletives – the sort that just aren’t heard round these parts on a regular basis. Al is confused and asks his boss what’s going on but gets no response just more mouthing and a bit of shuffling and writhing. Thinking he’s either stuck or just taking the piss Al goes back to the kitchen to see what the fuck is going on. In the kitchen he’s greeted by an odd sight – the lady of the house is standing on his boss’ back doing the dishes. When asked “what the fuck are you doing?” she calmly responds “nearly finished” and with that hops off the plumber as if absolutely nothing unusual has happened. Both lads are simply stunned that someone could be so rude or just so far up themselves as to be physically above other people. Extraordinarily, they decide its probably better to just finish the job so they don’t have to come back – although Al is nearly sick with laughter for the rest of the day.

So that’s it really. Plumbers - so common you can stand on them to make them work.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:23, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

A shower of bastard colleagues
Where a friend works: The individual concerned is fine and oblivious to the meriment she creates in an office of complete bastards - about 500 of them.

This particular lady works in support for a company that makes stuff (i won't say what as it would be bleeding obvious who), anyway she is blessed. She is blessed with the most magnificent pair ... of sideburns. These things are awesome - dark, big and bushy lampchops earning her the nickname "Elvis".

Should you need to speak to support it is essential that when put through to Elvis anything she says is answered with a full on "uh-huh" just as the King would have done himself before that toilet incident. Points are awared to any employee who can sign off a conversation with a southern drawl "thang-you-very-much".

Elvis lives - (s)hes a legend - its everyone else who is the bastards.

At the same place noobs are always fooled into setting off an alarm system - then being told they've irradiated themselves with a lifetimes dose - this is 'proved' to them by waving a sound meter at them under the pretence that its a Gieger counter.
(Mon 28th Jan 2008, 16:40, More)

» Useless advice

Great advice for a homophobe...
Whilst standing at the bar and drinking in a stereotypical 'flat caps and whippets' pub in the North East, a particularly agressive young man leant over and said to my bumsexual mate "I hate fucking puffs". To which Gave (for that is his pseudonym) replied "well, you should try fucking women then".

Now this is actually quite fair advice, at least it was until the mother of all fights broke out. Gave still maintains it was worth the broken nose just for the expression on the the gormless tards face.
(Fri 20th Oct 2006, 12:53, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Colleagues and staff
Before I had my own company i could be an utter cnut to work with most notably in the days before the interweb came along and made procrastination a skill. So i let my staff read b3ta - even introduced a couple of them to it.

Anyway, i'd just like to ask before they start moaning about me being jibbering bastard, please do some fucking work cos i've already drunk your redundancy money.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 9:53, More)

» Injured Siblings

My brother moved to Canada 12 years ago...
if he ever comes back he may find out about the nine points he has on his driving license. Think of it as revenge for all the beatings he dished out to me when we were kids, although he never scarred me, the pussy.
(Thu 18th Aug 2005, 13:24, More)