» Dumb things you've done

Playing football on the field aged 15ish...
I, in my permanently unfit state, was bent over at the side of the pitch recovering from a stitch whilst my friends played on with their game.

I noticed a large (about 10ft square?), thin(ish) piece of corrugated iron lying on the grass. Intrigued, I began to lift one end of this extremely heavy object.

I managed to get one end up to chest level, and then proceeded to slowly walk forward, trying to flip it over.

Suddenly, my feet stepped into thin air and i fell about 6ft down an open manhole - luckily my elbows opened out keeping my head and shoulders from going down, but then the metal fell on my head.

My friends, hearing my muffled screams for help as I was about to sealed into the hole by the metal sheet, ran over to help lift it up and pull me out.

Damage? Mild concussion, and 12 stitches on my shins where the rungs of the ladder had dug in on the way down.

Still, got a nice scar to show the ladies!

In retrospect, should really have put a claim in due to the councils negligence put that's a bit of a cop out, was my fault after all...
(Wed 2nd Jan 2008, 14:34, More)

» Dumb things you've done

I once dropped....
...a toothpaste lid down my sink, which proceeded to get annoyingly jammed half way down on the way into the u-bend.

After placing a bucket under the unscrewable cap and removing it - I tried to 'flush' the lid through with lots of water.

Several minutes passed before, with the aid of a long knife, I was able to get it through the pipe and into the bucket.

Satisfied with my work, I promptly emptied the water from the bucket.

Into the sink.

Of which I hadn't put the u-bend cap back on.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 13:45, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

An ex-colleague...
...discovered his mates facebook password, and every day changed his birthday to the current day, resulting in him being inundated with "Happy birthday mike" every day.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 17:47, More)

» I Quit!

I used to work...
in a pub 'at the side of the woods', if you live in Manchester you might know it, and after being interviewed I was really excited about the perks of the job;

-free meal on shift
-free drink after shift
-free taxi home
-pay rise after initial 3 months
-time and a half on sundays & after 12 o'clock

After a week of working there, I realised that all of the above were untrue and my boss was an absolute psychopath of a woman. It was as if she had a split personality disorder, her mood/attitude towards her staff could swing from one end of the scale to the other within an hour or so...

Putting up with her shit for nearly two years, it was approaching Christmas and New Year; the busiest time of year for the pub. Especially Christmas day, £50 a head booked months in advance, massive amount of preparation and effort went into planning a smooth event.

On Christmas eve, I was in the pub having a few drinks and some food with four of five of my closest friends when boss-witch approaches our table and asks us to hurry up and finish so she can give our table to customers waiting who would spend more money than us. Astounded, I waited till she had left our table and took her aside and explained that we'd be staying all night and putting a considerable amount (at full price) behind her bar.

She. Flipped.

Screamed at me in front of all the customers and regulars about my lack of respect, attitude to work and loyalty to her. Told me after the week was out I wouldn't be required (after xmas & ny obviously)

Not rising to it, my friends and I left without causing any trouble and moved on to plot my departure.

I was due in work at 10 a.m. the next day to begin the set up for Christmas day. However I turned up a little earlier than expected with a large padlock that conveniently fitted through the hole that locked the barrier across the car park entrance.

Ever tried to call out a locksmith on Christmas day?

I heard shortly after that she couldn't get the lock off until 4 p.m. and the pub took less than 15% of it's expected earnings.

Feel a little bad about it now as I might've ruined a few peoples Christmas days but there was plenty of other better pub/restaurants locally that didn't require ridiculous charges and advance bookings.
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 14:00, More)

» Food sabotage

Another bored at uni story...
During a regular hungover day hanging around in our student flat, it was decided that we'd had enough of living in what was effectively a bin.

The rotting chicken giblets on the floor needed to be removed, the furry wok that was last used a month previously needed a small scrub, the variety of now-green foodstuffs in the fridge had to go, the fridge itself needed to be fumigated, and the 9 months of daily grease needed to be extracted from the oven.

Out came the 4th hoover of the year after the others had all been broken, and an attempt to somehow clean the carpet and six sofas we had arranged around the room (for duvet days obviously) needed to be made.

The 'boob wall' was to be taken down, and the rotting mango juice from 'the mango fight of 05' had to peeled from the walls, along with the various tea bags stuck to the wall in a random game of 'who can get a tea bag to stick to the wall for the longest'.

After a heroic attempt at all the above, the 4 of us brave warriors decided a sit down was in order, and my good friend Mark decided it was time for his Iceland meal of the day.

Now Mark is a peculiar character, and has his ways and methods of doing things. For instance, he would always eat the bulk of his healthy meal, have a brew and a cig, then go back for the chips and peas.

It was at this point, whilst we were sat down around the telly, that he had his little break and the food sabotage occured.

Sat next to him, and with the hoover still in close proximity, I wondered just how powerful the suction was on this particular model.

Very, the answer quickly appeared to be.

In the space of a few seconds, the lit cigarette, a mug full of coffee, and a plate full of peas and chips had all been devoured by the unlikely destroyer in my hand.

His face went from utter content to extreme panic as his 3 loves were taken from him in the blink of an eye.

Then we had to get hoover number 5, they don't appreciate liquid inside them. Messes with the electronics I guess...
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 19:15, More)