» Heckles

not sure it counts
but...

group of us watching the trailers at the start in the cinema when one comes on for "phenomenon". at the end of the trailer the usual deep husky voice says "PHENOMENON" and before i can stop myself i sing

Ba ba-ba ba ba

just like the muppets :)

got a good laugh from pretty much the whole audience. i was proud :D

pure reflex reaction though, so not much wit involved
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 16:11, More)

» Child Labour

wood cutting
my (brilliantly clever) father turned labour into a game. see, we always had a ton or so of wood piled up in the garden for some sap (me) to chop hinto fire sized pieces. now, i didn't mind it, it was better than other chores, but it was still a chore. but then i got a bigger axe (note that i was about 8 when he gave me this razor sharp 'Proper' axe. his trust was incredible) rather than a little hand axe i'd been using. He said it was possible to split a match length ways laid on the log to be split and proved it. left me the box of matches, the axe and 2 tons of wood. by the end of the day i split every match i laid down.

"theres two tons of wood coming today. i wonder i..."
"I'LL DO IT!"

clever clever man...

and to all you buggers with paper rounds. Me too, on the steepest hill you have ever seen. 5 rows of houses, all the supplements and local papers on a saturday and sunday morning. farms out in the hills too. for 75p a day. and on a week day i had to have it done by 7:45 so i could catch the bus to school and somethimes the papers only arrived at half seven. detention for absence or lateness (after getting a bollocking from parents because i had missed the first bus which was 'my fault' ) meant missing the only bus home so would get a bllocking from the parents for making them drive half an hour each way to come and get me after THEY had eaten tea and i'd stood in the dark alone outside school for 2 hours hungry and knowing i was about to get a bollocking. when i wised up and said i was leaving the owner of the shop cried till i backed down. for another year...

i only did it cause my parents were skint and it bought books and stuff for school. mind you, wasn't as bad as some of you. i'll shut up now...
(Fri 17th Feb 2006, 16:41, More)

» Toilets

not me but worth telling
at glasto, years ago, the toilets were (probly still are) these green plastic cubicles which seeped the harsh sunlight through its walls to give everything a glowing 'radioactive man' aura. i'm standing in the que and BANG! one of the doors flies open and this dude, dreaded hippy early 90's type (as i still am) bursts out like a ferret from a cannon and 15 feet later comes to a stop. the look on his face was utter horror. never seen anything like it. i checked he was OK as that's what you do and he told me the tale. seems he was just taking a slash pre-coming up on the strongest acid ever and it came up a notch faster than he thought. picture the green glowing stinking smoothering horror of those toilets. now picture it crawling and writhing and closing in and sucking his breath from his very body. saw him next day and when i brought it up he just went quiet. his mates thought it was hilarious as they hadn't known why he'd looned out so badly the day before when his brother said he needed to go :)

length? fukyasall...
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 11:57, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

unknowing perv behavior
couple of years ago when i was single for the first time in years, and totally terrified by the concept of dating again, and totally unused to following on from the early chatting/flirting stages a very attractive young lady made all the moves, thus saving me all the awkward guessing/worrying/stammering. she ended up sitting very close, giggling prettily, then sitting on my knee in a club and all looked pretty good for me. til i went to the bar... friend who was the barman looked a bit oddly at me. quote:

"dude. she's 15...." meaningful pause....

thats slightly less than half my age. but you wouldn't have sussed either

i told her she was beautiful, half my age and i had a fear of prison

then legged it.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 15:10, More)

» Running away

ran away loads of times
but the one i remember clearly is when i was very little. ran away, tried to come back and wasn't allowed in for ages. "you ran away, you can't just come back"

i'm pretty sure this moment is the one that made me appreciate wandering about by myself. pretty much carried on self-sufficiant running away/adventures for years.

i also ran away when i was 12, forgot to tell anyone i was running away, then forgot i was actually running away and just stayed out for a couple of nights camping in the woods. had a great time, when i returned i was greeted with "had a good time? we knew you'd be alright, you know what you're doing" and a brew and bacon sandwich

ace! :)
(Fri 11th Aug 2006, 13:29, More)