» Mistaken Identity

Ahh, Daddy
Many years ago my mum was in the local paper and out of the corner of her eye she spotted a familiar face, several in fact, on the front of every tabloid. Closer inspection revealed a police mugshot of this chap and details of his antics over the last few years




bizarrely 40 years before this my mam had married this handsome fellow



and she was somewhat surprised to say the least. My dad thinks it's a hoot, not much else he can do under the circumstances, although Doctor Harry's demise put pay to a tribute act unfortunately but there you go.

Then a few months ago the Metro had news of the first gay civil partnership to end in a separation, involving these 2 gents, pay close attention to Darryl Bullock, the one on the right




which caused great amusement at work and everywhere where anyone knows this ugly twat aka me



Brilliant that. How I laughed!!

Edit: Anyone calls me a gayer I'll get me Dad to do yer granny in.
(Thu 31st May 2007, 23:28, More)

» Ripped Off

Tight-arsed monkeys, the lot of you!!
On the other side of the coin, and without wanting to open up the can of worms that is rail travel prices, I regularly have a conversation with customers along these lines...

Me (Rail ticket selling phone monkey): Good evening, how can I help?

Customer: I'd like to buy a train ticket please, I want the cheapest.

M: Certainly. Can I ask where you're travelling from and to?

C: Yes I want the cheapest ticket, I'm going from A to B. But I do want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: No problem. Is it a single or a return?

C: Is a single cheaper than a return? I do want the cheapest ticket.

M: A single will be less than a return.

C: A single then. I want the cheapest ticket.

M: So you don't need to travel back from B to A by train?

C: Yes I do but I want the cheapest ticket.

M: Probably best to look at it as a return journey then.

C: But do it as 2 singles though, because that will be cheaper. I want the cheapest ticket.

M: *sigh* I know they are sir, but I can look at the journey for you as a whole.

C: As long as it's the cheapest ticket. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: No problem. What dates and times would you prefer to travel?

C: The cheapest date. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.


M: I appreciate that sir, but it is a half hourly service between A and B for about 18 hours a day and we can book tickets up to about 3 months in advance.

C: When is it usually cheapest. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.


M: The further in advance you book, generally speaking it will cost less.

C: OK then I need to travel out (this date) and back on (that one), but I do want the cheapest ticket.

M: And what time on each day would you like to travel?

C: What's the cheapest time? It's the cheapest ticket I'm looking for.

M: The middle of the day will, as a rule generally cost less.

C: That's no good, I need to go out at (busiest time of day) and come back at (slap bang fucking sod in the middle of peak time). What is the cheapest ticket on those trains, because I want the cheapest ticket.

M: On those trains it would be £blah, however if you can travel at (slightly different time each way) then it would cost you £lowest-possible-price-that-money-can-buy.

C: And is that the cheapest.

M: Yes sir that is the cheapest.

C: You don't have anything cheaper? I want the cheapest ticket.

M: No sir, that is the cheapest.

C: Would it cost less if I travelled at a different time? I want to buy the cheapest ticket.


M: No sir. That is the lowest possible cost for a ticket for that journey.

C: Are any of the trains discounted? I am looking for the cheapest ticket.

M: No sir, that is the cheapest.

C: Could I save money on any of these tickets in any way. I want to buy the cheapest ticket.

M: *sigh again* No sir, that is the cheapest ticket.

C: I think I'll leave it, that's quite expensive.

M: Thank you sir, do call again.
(Sat 17th Feb 2007, 12:41, More)

» Phobias

People
Not you lovely lot, but the endless stream of unhinged tag-nuts clinging to the wiry hairs around the arse of society that we have to contend with these days.

It's probably an incredibly small minority that make everybody elses lives a misery, and I can't be arsed to wade through news websites to find links to yet another under 20 year old scrote or scrote-ess who thinks them and their gang of cock mates can do what they want, and maybe it's that type of shite-for-brains who you remember over and above the others, but the sheer, total and utter dreadfulness of the turds that make up "society" today really make me glad I haven't had any kids who are going to have to put up with them when I go.

If I die I want to go old, happy reasonably contented and not because a gang of tanked up 15 year olds take a dislike to my face/clothes/bag/accent or whatever other excuse they choose to use to decide to kick the living daylights out of me simply because they are bored and can't find a car to steal/bus to throw bricks at/public space to act like cunts in.

I know it's probably unfair to tar them all with the same brush but if I see a group of more than one young gent in sports gear coming my way I will cross the road rather than risk some random abuse that would never happen if they locked these fuckers up as soon as they realise what a bunch of utter twats they are.

Edit: I know I said I couldn't be arsed to look for links but as an example of the kind of turds Im talking about

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/7316601.stm

Can anybody think of one good reason why these 2 cocksuckers are actually still alive?
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 19:30, More)

» Evil Pranks

Possibly an urban myth but...
made me laugh anyhoos.

I heard a tale about particularly awkward and beligerent old duffer who ran a small company, a real tosspot who none of his employees liked. One day he came to work in a new hat of some sort. Somebody found out where he got this from and purchased 2 identical ones, one size smaller and one larger.

You know where this is leading, obviously.

Every couple of days these would be swapped with the original, everyone thinking that he would be a bit wound up, however he went to see his doctor thinking his head was expanding and shrinking, and when not happy with being told that couldn't happen went to more and more specialists to find out what was wrong.

Happy endings for the staff because he took early retirement but left a nervous wreck convinced that he had a new and scary condition.

Length? Variable by all accounts.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 11:42, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

I win
I met my Mrs on the interweb and she is brill. My wife however, she met me. Poor lass.
(Sun 19th Mar 2006, 9:16, More)