» Heckles

Not so much a heckle, but....
I was in Amsterdam on a work trip and we got dragged to this god awful 'comedy' dinner theatre full of god awful Americans, to watch an improvised sketch show by other god awful Americans. One of them was doing this skit that involved asking people in the audience for a job they did in the past and making a sketch out of it. All these god awful Americans came back with 'lawyer', 'car salesman', 'clerk' etc etc

They came and asked me and I thought for a few seconds and said 'yeast siever'.

The bloke looked stumped, laughed, then said 'no really, what did you do?'.

I said I was a yeast siever.

He then asked me what a yeast siever was, and I gave a quick explanation.

He looked even more stumped.

He then asked me to elaborate, which I did, at length.

He looked even more stumped, looked round deploringly at his somewhat aghast colleagues, climbed back on the stage and sat down. And one of his colleagues jumped up to continue onto the next pointless unfunny skit.

Not sure what happened there. Did he think I was taking the piss? Did he not understand my quaint English accent? Did he have some morbid flashback to a dreadful accident involving some yeast that resulted in his entire family being decapitated?

Or was he just a third rate comic appearing in some third rate venue who realised that he was so third rate he couldn't even make up something funny about what is most probably one of the most bizarre and funny sounding jobs in the world?

I nonchalantly carried on drinking my overpriced Sea Breeze cocktail, paid for by my boss.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 16:11, More)

» Heckles

Funny football story
"I went to this football match once and it was really funny because the crowd started chanting 'You are rubbish' to the away team because they had lost 5-nil in a previous game... or something."

Sorry, but these posts are not in any way humorous, not the vaguest bit interesting and not even particularly relevant to this QOTW.

C'mon, you can do better people. Just make something up if not.

I didn't, but then thats because I live an interesting and jetsetting lifestyle that doesn't in any way shape or form involve watching 22 grown men kick an inflated sphere made of pigskin around a large advertising-riddled oblong of grass, on a neck-achingly giant TV screen in a pub full of beery sweaty Neanderthals.

*awaits heckles*
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 18:24, More)

» I'm an expert

Now, there was no need for that....
There was no need for making me join your forum, then making me wait almost a week before I could post to QOTW, then closing the QOTW that I wanted to post to in the first place, thereby forcing me to write to this QOTW instead to moan and whine like a prissy schoolgirl...

(AND I had thought up a great story from when I was fifteen about getting a rancid warty growth right between my eyes, going to the surgery to get it removed, having a local anaesthetic injection right in it, having it burnt off with a glorified soldering iron, then wandering around with a lopsided face and what looked like a cigarette burn on my forehead after being told by the leering doctor to say to the girls that it was a duelling scar. Now, there was no need for that, tosser.)

... so I guess I'm an expert at writing irrelevant rubbish in completely innappropriate places.

---
(Wed 29th Jun 2005, 14:03, More)

» Toilets

My first visit to Sheffield in 1989...
...to visit a pal at University here, involved a lengthy car journey from Felixstowe, a huge traffic jam, and the consumption by myself of four cans of Special Brew and a bottle of Strawberry Wine, all meant for his party the next day.

Needless to say, by the time we got there it was getting late and we were already very very drunk so went straight to meet him at the Leadmill, at about 10pm. I wasn't feeling too er... jovial, so just got myself half a pint of cider to sober up with. Within 10 minutes of getting in there I got the spinspundizzys so very very bad, and headed straight for the bogs.

God knows how I made it there but once I did wasn't going to leave - after emptying the entire contents of my stomach, and probably loosened a few internal organs, I collapsed with my arms around the rim and my head resting in the bowl. I fell asleep. Only to be woken at 2am by a bouncer kicking down the bog door at closing time. He picked me up by the scruff of the neck and threw me out the back door. Luckily my pals had waited around for me. Aah, bless. Fuck knows how I would have survived the night otherwise. *Shudder*

So, I spent the first four hours of my first ever visit to Swinging Sheffield lying in a pool of my own sick clinging onto a toilet for dear life.

I didn't come back again until 1997. And I've stayed here ever since. Must be something to do with the quality of the public toilets. And yes, I do frequent the Leadmill for the odd gig or two. But never get drunk and always go home safely on the bus.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 16:55, More)

» Injured Siblings

Andy on the ockey... or maybe not.
Yes, one day when I was ten me and my brother Andy decided to play a hilarious game whereby we stand at one end of the field behind our home (well, okay, mobile home) and throw darts at each other. No, not paper darts, or flea darts (y'know, those grass heads full of black nits that you pull up and chuck at people, especially if they are wearing a woolly jumper), but real bona-fide ONE HUNDRED AND EEIIIIGGGHHTEEEEEEE darts. I think the idea was to dodge the darts, but my younger brother, in his infinite 8 year old wisdom, decided to pretend to be a walking dartboard and strolled head first into the direction of a dart I had thrown at some velocity. It embedded into the side of his head. Oh deep joy... was I in for it now. Of course he went wailing off to Mum. Thankfully on close inspection it turned out to be merely a fleshwound. But I was sent swiftly to bed without any supper. Which wasn't so bad as it was boiled ham, lumpy mash and cold bullet-hard garden peas. Again.

***SIBLING SADISM UPDATE***

Blimey, I spent the past half-hour since posting this darts story reading what others have done to their dear little brothers and sisters and even though I'm only on the 2nd page I've come across 5 or so stories also involving darts. What a sadistic bunch of, er, sadists we are!

Perhaps this QOTW should be renamed to "What's the worst you've done to your siblings, with darts?"

..
(Mon 22nd Aug 2005, 15:30, More)