» DIY Surgery

like alien only smaller
I had something of an idyllic childhood. My father was an environmental journalist and most of my holidays were spent running around some of the wildest and most beautiful places in Africa. After a long weekend exploring the deep dark coastal forests of Bhanga Nek I noticed a lump on my arm. Being no stranger to insect bites I just left it. Tuesday morning, sitting in maths, my arm really starts to itch. I scratch it absentmindedly and feel this odd "popping sensation". I look down and to my horror all these little larvae are crawling down my arm. Cue hysterical horror from classmates (and I must admit me too). Promptly marched off to Matron who calmly doused it in meths and then covered it with vaseline. One of the yuckier experiences of my childhood :)
(Mon 24th Jan 2011, 8:16, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Court Induced Concussion
When I was a very young attorney (I think I had only been in practice six months) I was sent down to the magistrate's court to adjourn a trial by consent. The previous incumbent to my position was a 6ft2 man and the only gown available was his. I am 5ft f*ck all.

Anyhoo - I am sitting there waiting for my matter to be called with my gown literally PILED up around me. My matter is called and I stood up quickly. Somehow I had managed to stand on the hem of my gown so as I stood up I was immediately propelled downwards and smacked my head on the wooden bar. After assuring the court I was fine and seeing stars and with a swelling forehead I managed to stumble out the words "Your worship may the trial be adjourned sine die by consent no order as to costs". I was dismissed - staggered out of court and was promptly sick in the bin outside the court clerk's office.

To the huge amusement of all and sundry I might add.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 15:32, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Judges haaaaate mobile phones going off in their court
In my division there was one particular judge who would go completely MENTAL if a phone went off in his court subjecting the poor unfortunate to a barrage of abuse/ threats of summary conviction for contempt etc. He retired a few years ago and was presiding in what was to be his last day in motion court.

Halfway through the roll - a phone goes off (that really annoying nokia tone on ascend) - there is a collective intake of breath and EVERYONE get's this "who farted?" look on their faces... the look of fury on his face was intense until he realised that it was coming from his own pocket - one of the other judges, a noted practical joker, had slipped it into his pocket just before he went into court... oh the fun we have...
(Wed 5th Aug 2009, 11:34, More)

» Real-life slapstick

more tales of courtroom hilarity...
Luckily this didn't happen to me or I may have left the profession forever.

I was in Magistrate's Motion court - basically all the articled clerks get sent there to adjourn stuff, take default judgments etc. You do not wear gowns. We all sit on wooden pew like things and then approach the bench when the matter gets called. This one girl went up - she was wearing the height of fashion at the time - tightfitting lycra type suit. She dropped a piece of paper and bent over to pick it up. As she did so her ENTIRE ARSE popped up over the top of her trousers! As she stood up it popped back down again.

cue intense stifled laughter.
(Tue 26th Jan 2010, 15:00, More)

» Dad stories

telephone conversation with my dad
This exchange happened a few years ago when I was living with my retired (and more than a little eccentric) dad.

MostlySunny: Hello

Dad: Hello my girl how are you?

MostlySunny: fine thanks

Dad: Good - say - did you buy a tortoise?

MostlySunny: er, no

Dad: are you sure?

MostlySunny: um, yes - fairly sure that I did not buy a tortoise

Dad: because there is a tortoise in the front garden

MostlySunny: oh

Dad: do you know how it got there?

MostlySunny: no...

Dad: It's a mystery - i can't work it out

MostlySunny: Maybe it crawled through the fence from the neighbours

Dad: but how would a tortoise get through a fence?

MostlySunny: er...

Dad: Maybe someone threw it over the wall

MostlySunny: possibly...

Dad: it's a total mystery

MostlySunny: mmm yes

*conversation returned a number of times to the mystery of how the tortoise got into the front garden - I just think it's hilarious that my dad thought that I might have bought a tortoise and then just failed to mention it...*

received a text message later that day "Tortoise turns out to be turtle from next door fishpond"
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 12:37, More)