» Never Meet Your Heroes

Aphex Twin
I met Richard James AKA The Apex Twin at the MoS in 1993. I chatted to him in the DJ booth and asked him why he was wearing a Mel & Kim T-shirt. He said "cos I wanna shag 'em", "but Mel's dead!" I replied and he said "so i'll dig her up and do her!".

He also had an 80's hi-fi that he'd gutted and turned into a record box. Top fella.
(Wed 31st May 2006, 15:10, More)

» Scary Neighbours

Not exactly scary but.........
Many years ago I lived in a shared house in Southend-on-Sea and the lass who lived downstairs was a real noisy fucking bitch.

I used to ask her on a regular basis to KEEP THE FUCKING NOISE DOWN!!! As I had to work, unlike her.

She even used to get her chavvy fuckin' Escort driving cunt of a boyfriend to answer the door whenever I knocked cos she knew I was gonna complain - like a 5foot8 chav fuckwit is gonna step up to ME!.

One particular day, whilst having a shower, I noticed that noisy chick had left her shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom - it some coconut flavoured stuff that looked exactly like cum.......

......so I wanked into both bottles, several times.

Her hair looked lovely.
(Fri 26th Aug 2005, 23:50, More)

» Misunderstood

Mums and motorbikes
My mum told me about a couple at her work who ride a Honda Bluebell and Honda Translap.
(Sun 9th Oct 2005, 2:14, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Whilst working as a motorcycle courier in that London.........
I one called Vinnie Jones a 'cunt' to his face after he pulled out in front of me in his bloody great mum-truck 4x4 in Hampstead.

I got told to 'fuck off' by Honor Blackman after the stupid bitch ran across Great Marlborough Street in front of me and I nearly hit her.

Whilst filtering through traffic on Victoria Street I nearly hit Nigella Lawson who crossed without looking - she jumped and dropped her shopping - the oranges rolled out of her bag into the path of moving cars.

I ran over the foot of that bloke who played 'Recall' in London's Burning on the North Circular.

Pint sized pop twat Brian Harvey opened the door of his drop-top BMW car thing in Stratford as I was passing......my big fat BMW bike trashed the door. I called him a cunt and rode away.

I saw Jonathon Ross on Oxford Street doing Xmas shopping with his kids. He said hello. Nice bloke.

Met PJ Harvey at Island Records HQ - she needs to eat more. Nice woman though.

Had a brief chat with Suggs in Soho Square.

I've seen loads of people that i've thought 'aint they off the telly?', but I don't know their name.
(Fri 26th May 2006, 3:57, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Computer
In 1982 my junior school was the first school in the country to get one of those new fangled BBC Model B computers.

I remember it had this 'Pong' type game and all the class members had a go, I scored the highest!

Won bugger all though, but I was 7 and happy to have beaten everyone.
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 22:39, More)