» Complaining

The tale of the cornflake
Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a serial complainer\consumer terrorist.
She used to fire letters of complaint off to all manner of unsuspecting companies regarding their shoddy wares or in this case, food. The usual response was a fistful of money off vouchers or a cheque from the unsuspecting compant to calm the rabid bitch's fevered brow.
Anyway, one day, Kelloggs appeared on her radar because they'd committed the heinous crime of palming a large box of cornflakes off on the unsuspecting masses (in this case her) with a burnt cornflake in it.
The sternly worded letter of complaint was duly wriiten and despatched post haste to those fine people at Kelloggs. She really went to town on them over how outrageous it was that such a fine upstanding company should be peddling this sub standard filth on the general public and what were they going to do about it regarding compensating her for this impurity in her breakfast cereal.

Their response?

A "With Complements" slip with a single replacement cornflake taped to the top right hand corner...
(Thu 2nd Sep 2010, 13:46, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

The tale of the Turkey
During the World War 2, as a lot of you are aware, rationing was the order of the day here in the UK.

On Christmas Eve 1944, a turkey was delivered by post from our relatives in Ireland (who were nuetral during the war and were never subject to the same stringent rationing as we Brits were)

Anyhow; the turkey arrived with a note that said "Don't worry about stuffing the turkey, we've already done it! Merry Christmas!!"

My Gran duly went down to the market for all the veg to go with this rather large turkey, with a parting shot, "Leave the Turkey, I'll cook it when I get back"
While she was out, my Aunt, who was 14 at the time decided to ignore my gran's words and thought she'd do her a favour.

She turned on the old cast iron gas oven and shoved the stuffed bird in the oven.

About 20 minutes later, there was an enormous explosion from the kitchen. The oven door was blown straight off and my aunt had her eyebrows burnt off in the resulting carnage.

It seems the Turkey had been stuffed witha bottle of Irelands Finest Whiskey.

I think they had a quiet Christmas dinner that year.
(Thu 26th May 2011, 14:53, More)

» My Arch-nemesis

My Ex Wife
This is a woman who I should have put under the patio years ago...

We've been divorced over 15 years now but because of her venom and seemingly infinite capacity to hate, I've not seen my son for over 13 years. He's 19 in two weeks and every time he sees me, he looks at me with something approaching hate. Seemingly, she's programmed him that way over the intervening years.

When he was five, he was diagnosed with asthma, and the ex asked me when I went to pick him up for a two hour access visit if I could refrain from smoking in his general vicinity. "Naturally" say's I, "does he have an inhaler?" "Yes" say's she..."Can I have it in case he has an asthma attack?" says I. "If he has an attack, you bring him straight home!" says she. Ex wife needed to be in control to such an extent, she risked our son's health.

This is just one anecdote in a whole series of nightmares that stopped when I just gave up contact when he was five and a half. It was either that or I'd have leapt from the nearest railway bridge in front of a speeding train, such was my state of mind.

I've since moved on, remarried and have two wonderful daughters, who I treat like my absent son in some ways..season tickets to the football and barbecues on the patio etc etc.

Quite simply, that woman has ruined my life and my son's life all for her own selfish, vindictive benefit. There's very few people that I wish dead on this earth but she is top of my list.

and "CJ" If you ever read this, you may understand a flavour of why I had to stop seeing you. The next time you see me in the pub, please don't ignore me mate, I miss you terribly and always will do...cheers

Dad

Sorry for the lack of amusement here..

EDIT: I have actually attempted contact three times over the intervening years, all ignored. He's at university now, ironically doing a Law degree where they probably teach you to look at both sides of an argument an look for the facts (this info attained third hand, as is the case in these situations). Given the encouragement from you, fair posters, I think I might have another go via his Facebook profile...In the event I get a positive response, I'll personally mail my thanks to each and every one of you!
(Thu 29th Apr 2010, 14:09, More)

» Caught!

On illicit shagging
Note to self:

When taking the girlfriend off to bed for a furtive shag (this was at age 19) It's always a good idea to make sure that:

A: The parents really have left the family home for the afternoon as they were intending to.

B:The bed used for the urgent sex session is not under any circumstances pushed loosely against the radiator in your bedroom.The resultant banging tends to reverberate around the entire heating system and piping.

Taking the above into account, you may not then have to deal with a shout up the stairs during the "vinegar strokes" to see if you would like a "Post Coital Coffee"?

Put me right off it did...We legged it straight out as soon as we got dressed...

That was 24 years ago and Ii still shudder about it now.
(Fri 4th Jun 2010, 14:33, More)

» Conversation Killers

Standing in the Pub
Having some banter with some chums, when a fella was spotted in the corner with foreshortened arms...

"That looks grim" says one mate. "Aye" says another, "His Mum probably took Thalidomide when she was pregnant...poor bastard, it must be terrible to be like that"

It was probably not a good idea to say "Don't knock Thalidomide, its a wonder drug if you're shit at knitting sleeves!"

Things were quiet for a while after that...
(Wed 18th May 2011, 11:49, More)