» The Dark

spider-induced wank disaster
Lying in bed struggling to sleep, I had the usual sinister sexual thoughts and decided a burst of oxytocin will aid my slumber and began the usual rhythmic movements safe in he knowledge I had my 'wankrag' (bog roll)close to hand to clean up the inevitable mess.
After the gooey climax I reached out for the wankrag with my 'cum-claw' trying not to drip any rapidly cooling gloop onto my sheets, but alas It wasn't where i thought it would be ,so I flicked on the bedsight lamp, spotted it and reached out to pick it up.
As I lifted it, underneath was a fuck off enormous wolf spider, my involuntary movement, including an embarrassing girly yelp involved me doing another flick of the wrist! Only this time instead of aiding the emergence of the manpaste it served to flick it in a perfect arch right into my fucking eye!
So theres me stark bolluck naked hopping around my room with a cooling flaccid slimy cock and a burning hot-monacle trying to reduce the amount of stinging and trying to find the fucking massive bastard perv of an arachnid, never did find the hairy cunt, bet he is still laughing about it now!
(Sat 25th Jul 2009, 13:51, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

THATS MY COCK AND BALLS!!!
My housemate finds it hilarious to change my facebok status regularly to things like ....has a small willy/is having a sloppy poo/likes children, which i never find out about until i get to work the next day and my colleagues all laugh at me, so knowing he is pretty shit with anything technological I took a photo of my cock and balls on his phone when he left it unattended and set it as a contact picture for everyone in his phone book, and as he is shit with that kind of stuff he doesnt know how to change it, so whenever his girlfriend, relatives, workmates ring him, he gets a good eyeful of my tallywhacker, everytime!! Its been like that for about 2 weeks now!
(Sat 1st Aug 2009, 12:08, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

unlucky in death
It was an extremely sad and unfortunate turn of events that led to my friends dads death. However the funeral went rather well and hilarity ensued. I have posted several stories about my intellectually challenged friend joel and his stupid adventures, and this is no different. When it came to givin ghr speeches in the church it seemed everyone had been given the wrong speeches, cue my mate reading his mothers out and describing his own fathers passion!! His sister then managed to somehow loosen her tongue stud and proceeded to choke on it halfway through her (or her brothers speech) The old wisened organ player had left her reading glasses at home cue her playing all the wrong songs and the 'audience' trying to compensate by making words up to songs, then to cap it all off, my mate was the lead pall bearer and tears must have clouded his vision as he proceeded to fall in the 6ft hole made for his fathers final resting place. Luckily him and his family did see the funny side of it all. A very sad day but with little bits of happiness in the form of amusement.
as for length and girth, call me TRIPOD!
(Fri 12th May 2006, 20:31, More)

» PE Lessons

PE Lesson letter
I had recently got my wrist out of plaster and was still pretty tender, well, to be honest i just didnt want to do athletics so I told my Dad I was still hurting and would he write me a letter excusing me from PE, after a bit of convincing he said he would and that he'd give it me in the morning.
So off I trot in the morning to PE, hand my teacher my letter from my Dad and waited for the annoyance to spread across his face as yet another pupil got parental consent to sit arond having a doss watching everyone else ran about. Except he didnt look annoyed in fact he pretty much pissed himself laughing and handed me the letter to look at, it said; Dear teacher, please excuse lankynyack from PE today he is being soft! Said teacher gave me the lesson off and framed the letter!
(Tue 24th Nov 2009, 22:15, More)

» Lucky Escapes

Eaten by Crocs
Back in 2000, when traveling around Australia, my skint friends and I arrived in Innisfail with no money and no food. We exchanged our passports for a nights refuge and promptly set off in the search of some scran. Due to severe lack of funds, we whipped out the fishing rods from out trusty steed and set about trying to catch our evening meal. Whilst two of my pals sat on the pier, Sam and I decided to venture down onto the banks and have a little swim and a paddle. After 10-15mins of frolicking our pier based companions exclaimed they had caught something. We promptly climbed back up the bank and assisted in the reeling in and netting of our meal.
Whilst we sat there basking in our man skills and ability to 'live off the land' a grubby looking local approached and asked us 'Are you fuckers stupid enough to have been swimming in there?'
'Why yes, we are of limited enough intelligence to consider swimming in such a place-why?"
He then proceeded to inform us that we are the luckiest fuckers on earth as the river we chose to swim was not only a tidal estuary containing the uber lethal and aggressive salt water crocodiles but it was also quite common for people to witness dorsal fins of rather large sharks in there too.
We were understandably a little shaken by this news, but not as shaken as we were then next day when we walked along the road looking down onto the small beach where me and Sam spent 10-15 mins paddling and swimming and there basking in the sun were 5, 6-7 metre long salt water crocodiles. We had essentially been swimming around above and with these massive killers and we didn't have a scooby. That was our lucky escape.
(Wed 10th Jul 2013, 13:45, More)