» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

not me, but...
...a friend of mine has a habit of sleepwalking when he's been on the pills. And seeing as he's a sick enough bastard when he's awake, he can do some mental things when he's asleep.

It all started on New Years Eve a couple of years ago (03-04 probably). During the night my mate got up and started sleepwalking. First he walked over to Lanky (who's gaff it was), whipped out his cock and started wanking and slapping it in his face. Lanky woke up and, as you can imagine, screamed.

Startled, Joh then ran away, in the direction of Lanky's little sister's (aged 14) room. Thankfully he didn't wank in her face, but what he did do was start opening all her cupboard draws until he found her knickers draw, pissed in said knickers draw, then grabbed a handful of her pissy knickers and shoved them down his own pants, then went back to bed. All while she was watching and trying not to scream the house down.

He has no memory of doing any of this, natch.

He's done other things over the years in similar veins, but this was the original and the best.
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 15:45, More)

» Evil Pranks

One time, after a heavy night,
a mate of mine passed out on the living room floor in a drunken stupor.

He'd passed out face down, with his t-shirt riding up his back, giving us the perfect opportunity to write on his lower back, where he wouldn't see it for a while.

We wrote "I LOVE COCK" and "FREE ENTRY" with an arrow pointing down his arse crack. 'twas rather amusing at the time.

In the morning we went back to the pub for breakfast, and my mate sat with his back to the rest of the pub in such a position that when he leaned forward, his t-shirt would rise up and reveal our handiwork to all and sundry.

At first only a couple of people saw it, so while being very funny for us, it wasn't too bad for him. Then one of the blokes who saw it shouted "Oi everyone, look at this" and everyone in the pub turned and saw what we wrote on him.

Having 20-30 strangers pointing and laughing at him can't have been very pleasant. Poor chap.

It was fucking funny though!
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 18:54, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Plus one big boat.
A couple of years ago i spent 3 weeks in Croatia, which was nice, but the journey home soon became an absolute farce.

Apologies in advance for length, girth, etc.

We had our flights home booked from Ljubljana (capital of Slovenia - cheaper to fly to and from there with easyjet than to fly to and from Zagreb) on the Tuesday afternoon, so we thought that if we got the slow ferry (22 hours) from Dubrovnik to Rijeka on Monday morning it would get us into Rijeka with plenty of time to make the three hour train journey to Ljubljana.

The ferry itself was the best journey ever as there was me, my brother, and this guy from Leeds who we'd met in the youth hostel in Dubrovnik and had been hanging around with for the past few days, and all we had to do was laze around on deck sunbathing. Plus there was the added bonus of meeting some crazy German people who actually were fans of The Hoff.

It soon went from the sublime to the ridiculous though when we got off the boat.

We knew the train journey was 3 hours as we did it the other way 3 weeks ago, and we had about 7-8 hours until the flight so we weren't in the slightest bit worried. Until we found out that there was only one train that day, which was in 5-6 hours time. Shit.

Oh well, we'll just have to get the bus. It'll take a little bit longer and be 100% more unpleasant, but we don't have any choice. Sorry, no buses to Ljubljana today. Shit. Oh holy fuck.

At this time, our new mate Andy had to leave us to get his bus to Zagreb (capital of Croatia) which we soon found out was also 3 hours away. So, having no other idea of what the fuck we could do, we got on it with him in the hope that we could catch a connecting bus/train that would enable us to get our flight.

So we get to Zagreb, and finally a stroke of luck. There's a bus to Ljubljana in 20 minutes. The tickets were quite expensive as it was a border crossing, and worked out at about £40 each. Off we go to the cash machine.

Oh look, we don't have any money left.

Oh fuck, we don't have any money left.

Oh holy fuckitty fuckitty fuck, we don't have any money left.

Que standing around for ten minutes staring blankly at each other, wondering what the fuck we could do.

Eventually our lovely new mate from Leeds had to lend us £100 so we could get the bus. God bless him.

So we get to Ljubljana with about 45 minutes before take-off time. The airport is a half hour bus ride away. We'd just missed the bus, next one in 20 minutes. Surprise, sur-fucking-prise.

Taxi. Airport please, and fucking step on it. Surprisingly, he actually knew what that meant.

We didn't have enough Slovenian currency left to pay the fare, but luckily we had some Euros aswell so we just gave him a handful of notes and he said "okay!" with a massive grin on his face, leading me to believe we'd given him double the fare, or something. Never mind, he deserved it. He'd got us to the airport about 5 minutes before check-in was due to close.

No prizes for guessing what happened next. Flight delayed 2 hours.

So we get back to England and get on our train back to Leeds (we'd pre-booked our tickets thank fuck). On the train we get talking to yet another guy from Leeds who'd been on the same flight as us. Nice enough guy.

We get close to Leeds and we realise that my brother had forgot to arrange a place for us to stay that night. He was between flats and was going to arrange for us to crash a mates place that night but he'd forgotten to do so. We ring him and it turns out that he's out of town for a few days, we try a few other people but some of them are out of town with him and others we can't reach.

So then this nice enough guy from on the train proves himself to be more than just a nice enough guy and lets us crash at his place.

So that's pretty much it. If it wasn't for one saintly guy from Leeds we would have been stranded in Croatia, and then if it wasn't for another saintly guy from Leeds we would have had to sleep rough that night.

The next day my brother picked up his car and drove me to Nottingham so i could move into halls of residence and catch the second half of freshers week, so i got quite a few free drinks on the strength of this story. Every cloud, and all that.
(Mon 11th Sep 2006, 12:31, More)

» Sleepwalking

A friend of mine.
I don't sleepwalk myself, but my mate Jobesy does. He's done some oddd things but nothing has yet to beat the first time it happened.

A few of us had been out for an average night of alcohol and illegal substances in tablet form then went back to crash at my mate Lanky's house.

In the middle of the night, Jobesy, bless 'im, got up and walked over to Lanky, who was still awake. He then proceeded to whip his knob out and start wanking in his face, then bent down to try and kiss him.

After being pushed away he then went next door into the little sister's room (who was about 13/14 at the time, i think). He looked through her drawers until he found her knickers draw, pissed in said draw, then grabbed a handful of said pissy knickers and put them down his own pants for safe keeping.

Then he went back to bed.

At this point it should be mentioned that, due to overcrowding, he was sharing a single bed with me.

Thankfully i only woke up with his arms around me, i dread to think what else could have happened.

He had no recollection of any of this, by the way. Crazy cunt, that he is.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 14:24, More)

» Shoplifting

My school's art department
had a tray full of stanley knives. All mismatched and unmarked. So i stole one.

A teacher saw me showing it off to a mate in my formroom, but as it was unmarked and i boldly claimed that it was mine, they couldn't prove that i'd stolen it from the school.

So she "confiscated" it, saying i shouldn't be allowed to have it out in school. At the end of the day, i decided to be cheeky and ask for it back. Hilariously, because they couldn't prove that it wasn't actually mine, they had to give me it back!

Free stanley knives FTW!

I never used it though. I don't know why i took it in the first place. Just because i could, i suppose.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 11:41, More)