» Stuff You've Overheard

Russians on the tube
A couple of oriental-looking girls were sat opposite me on the tube some time last year. But it turned out that they were Russian speakers - and obviously didn't consider that anyone else might be able to understand them. It seems to be quite a common affliction among foreigners in London. After criticising my dress sense (fair enough) one went on to tell the other matter-of-factly about how one of her regulars kept doing her up the arse even though she'd told him she didn't like it and he was too rough. They proceeded to debate if it would be worth finding another pimp who could get them a better class of clientele.

Another time my wife and I sat down on a train next to a Russian-speaking woman who was talking on her mobile. It turned out that she ran a scam bringing illegal immigrants into the country then getting them jobs in factories and on farms whilst ripping them off for rent and travel costs. She'd just brought 40 people into the country who'd paid her £1000 each for the privilege, but she couldn't find any work for them and they were all now penniless and starving. She was planning in detail with her partner how to do a runner and go set up shop in a different town.

Last week I was sat opposite another couple of miserable-looking Russians who weren't saying much. One of them announced to his friend that his girlfriend had dumped him, to which his friend replied 'Why, did you beat her?'
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 0:03, More)

» Best Comebacks

Camp
My father was taking part in a drama festival a number of years back. The judge announced to a hushed audience that my father would have won the award for best actor were it not for the fact that his portrayal of a slightly camp gay man 'seemed a bit too close to his real character.' To which my father shouted out, in broadest Yorkshire tones, 'You bring your wife over here and I'll show you who's bloody gay!'
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 16:10, More)

» Your Revenge Stories

Moog
I lived for a year at university in the same halls of residence that Prince William later lived in. My corridor was cursed by a particularly offensive twat nicknamed Moog and, come to think of it, he did look about as dense as his Will o' the Wisp namesake.

We all soon tired of behaviour like waking everyone up in the middle of the night by kicking holes in the walls or setting off fire extinguishers, leaving two foot long logs sticking out of the toilets, and nicking everyone else's food from the fridge. So I bought a pint of milk, laced it with washing up liquid, labelled it with my name, and left it in the fridge. As luck would have it not half an hour had passed before Moog could be heard going into the kitchen boasting to his mate about his fridge raiding habits. The sound of the fridge door opening was followed a few seconds later by violent retching and swearing as he learned about the sanctity of other people's property the hard way.
(Fri 14th May 2004, 1:29, More)

» The Police

Ukrainian rozzers
I've never had any problems with the police in the UK, but managed to get in trouble several times with their Ukrainian brethren.

The funniest incident was getting arrested by two very young and embarassed policemen for having sex outside a club by the beach where my girlfriend and I had been celebrating our engagement. Dawn had risen while we were at it and we ended up in quite plain view of the passers by. Ah well. They actually used the 'What do you think you're doing?' line. I did consider a sarcastic response but didn't really feel as though I had the upper hand in the situation, being stark naked and having just emerged from the nether parts of the girlfriend. After locating our clothes among the bushes and recovering from the embarassment we bunged them $50 and they decided they hadn't seen anything after all.

I was walking down the street one evening with a couple of mates (also English) when a rusty old anonymous van driving in the other direction screeched to a halt. The occupants started shouting at us to stop but we kept our heads down and kept walking. Moments later, several obviously drunk blokes in civilian clothes had piled out of the van and grabbed us, closely followed by a policeman with a large gun which he proceeded (rather unfairly, I thought) to hit us with. They kept trying to push us into their van with the butt of the gun but we knew that once they get you to the station, you don't get out without paying a hefty 'fine' (not to mention losing a day of your life waiting for someone to come and vouch for you before you can be released). My mate had a couple of hundred dollars on him that he really didn't want to contribute to the off-duty coppers' vodka fund. We played dumb and pretended we couldn't speak any Russian while they asked us for our documents (which we were legally obliged to carry with us, but didn't have). Happy ending though as they eventually gave up and drove erratically away.

I was a member of the local Hash House Harriers and almost every run one or two of our members would get arrested for not having their passports on them. Where are you supposed to keep it when you're out running - up your arse?

The scariest incident was being arrested for carrying a canister of CS gas in my luggage when flying back to Blighty. I'd been given it by a friendly old lady who thought I might need it for protection and thought it would be a novelty item to hold on to. The game was up when they asked me to show them the 'deodorant' that they'd spotted on the x-ray machine. I got carted off to their office at the airport where they kept pushing me to pay a 'fine' (despite suspiciously not issuing any paperwork) but finally dropped it when realising I was leaving the country without a kopeck (or dollar) left in my wallet. Just made my plane with minutes to spare.

No apologies for length - you love it. Just like my girlfriend did on the beach.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 19:16, More)

» The most cash I've ever carried

$100,000 of the Russian Government's money
My company does dull financial services stuff which includes the occasional rating of the Central Securities Depository of various countries. These are basically places that keep safe the shares and bonds for the entire country. We went to Moscow to rate a Russian depository and were taken to see the vault, first passing through various identity checks, x-ray machines, airlock-style capsules etc. - very James Bond! The vault was basically the entire basement of the building. In one room were the certificates for all of the government bonds of the Russian Federation - many, many millions' worth.

Apart from all of the armed guards, security cameras, thick steel doors and walls etc. it looked like any other drab Russian office: several rooms, some desks, lots of filing cabinets. Our guide opened a filing cabinet drawer and handed me a single sheet of paper which turned out to be a bond certificate worth $100,000. There were dozens of these filing cabinets in the room, all stuffed with these certificates, some even worth $200,000.

Funnily enough, the armed guards weren't too impressed with my pantomime of slipping the certificate into my pocket... It was quite an experience being among so much concentrated money in a real-life fuck-off Russian government vault, even if there wasn't a hope in hell of getting hold of any of it!
(Sat 24th Jun 2006, 0:48, More)