» Family codes and rituals

Good ol' family traits
In my family there are a few things that we do that I never realised weren't the norm until boyfriends or friends came to stay.

For example, after anyone says "Stop", my mum will inevitably shout "Hammertime!" from wherever she is in the house.

Also, if you ring the house phone, whoever picks up will give the normal, "Hello". This HAS to be replied with "Is it me you're looking for?".


And finally, my dad's obsession with trying to crowbar the word "scrote" into as many sentences as possible.
In my dad's world;
Porridge oats = porridge scrotes
Strictly Come Dancing = Scrotely Come Dancing.
Vodafone = Scrotafone.
(Mon 24th Nov 2008, 20:33, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

You Look French
Was one insult written on a traffic bollard (of all places) on the way to my old school.
But my favourite is written on the wall of the underground carpark of the Asda in the town I grew up in. I went to meet my mum for lunch once and she was laughing so hard she was crying. I asked what was wrong so she took me to the carpark that she had walked through to meet me, and there in 5 foot high green letters it said...

"Piss Pants Dan. (It's just not his fault)".

Genius.
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 18:16, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Incestuous with no eyebrows
When I was at school there was a girl called Aimy (please note the spelling, it made her feel special). She was an odd girl, there was no denying it. One day in year 8, our Head Of Year came in to art to tell us that Aimy was looking slightly different and not to laugh at her. This was because she had shaved her eyebrows clean off. Not a hair remained. There was no reason for this, she had just felt like it I believe.
Two years later, I was working in a cafe cleaing up at the end of the day. I saw two people crouched over one of the tables outside. It was Aimy, 7 months pregnant sniffing lighter fluid with a friend. Genius.
Anyway, she had the kid and broke up with the father as apparently she was too violent towards him. No problem, she just got knocked up by someone else. Now who would voluntarily pair up with this well known mental case (whose eyebrows had grown back by now you´ll be pleased to hear). Why, only her previous boyfriends brother (you can imagine that conversation can´t you?..."Hey bro, sorry to hear that she was beating the crap out of you, can I have a go now?"). So by my calculations her children are brother/sister/cousin things.
Welcome to Wiltshire B3tards!
(Fri 19th Jan 2007, 14:16, More)

» Customers from Hell

No the customer is not always right
Especially when you are working in an off license and the customer is a local crackhead who is informing all the other customers that you are pregnant and it might be his.

Nor is the customer right when he wees whilst you serve him his 3 litres of cider and then tells you that
"There's a spillage here. That's very dangerous".

Yes sir. A spillage out of your leaky, old, cider rotted bladder.
(Wed 10th Sep 2008, 12:21, More)

» Advice from Old People

Some classic advice from my grandad
...never cough whilst squatting.

Useful gramps, thanks.
(Tue 24th Jun 2008, 9:34, More)