» Mugged

I hardly get any trouble...
...being as I am a fairly menacingly-bearded northern death metal type bloke.

However, some years ago, on my firstest visit to That London, I was walking back from Full Tilt with a friend of mine who shall remain nameless. As we walked the mean streets of Camden, a swarthy young cutpurse stepped out from an alleyway with a cry of 'Stand and deliver!', or words to that effect.

Being as I was but a naive Cumbrian, I prepared to acquiesce to said ruffians' demand. My friend, however, had other ideas.

Staring at the chavvy vagabond with absolute disgust, he kicks outward, straight into the burberry fools right kneecap. There was a sickening crunchy noise, as snap snap snap went the would-be muggers leg. He dropped like a thing that drops very quickly, while emitting a scream worthy of a Discordance Axis record.

As we walked away, my friend turned to me with a wry glint in his eye and said 'He won't be doing that again for a while, eh?'

I felt a bit scared. Still, at least it took away my small town naivete.

Length, etc.
(Thu 15th Jun 2006, 20:20, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Lots of disparate things to get through, bear with me.:
Cartoons. Remember when they were slightly more than an extended toy advert? I don't understand why anyone would willingly expose themselves to any cartoon made in the last ten years. I recently gave my friend's eight year old daughter a box set of Animaniacs, and even she with her tiny idiot child mind can tell the difference in quality. The same goes for animé; it's not edgy and cool, it's the Japanese equivalent of Ben 10. Unless it's Evangelion. That was excellent.

Hip-hop: Well, lots of it, anyway. I adore cLOUDDEAD, and dälek, and that album Bong-Ra did with those Dutch rap singers, but why do people go potty for some bell-end in ill-fitting pants talking about how many cars he's got over a tidied-up, super-compressed sample from Give The Drummer Some? For fuck's sake, learn to play the drums and come up with your own beats, you prick. Same goes for every copy and paste breakcore artist using the same Amen break in 5/4 because Venetian Snares does it. Fuck off.

Folk Metal: What? What? Playing generic late 80's thrash is bad enough in itself, but why do you have to add a fucking washboard and lute? What's worse is going to one of the European metal festivals and watching a crowd sullenly tolerate a band like Pig Destroyer, then go fucking nuclear when the next band launches into a brutal penny whistle solo. YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

Metallica: Yeah, and Slayer. Great stepping stones for kids to listen to in order to exapnd their tastes and discover new, exciting music, but why do so many of them get stuck there? Slayer haven't written a great album since 1986, and Metallica have never put together a consistent record of truly great songs, yet they get these diehard oafs that slavishly buy their every bloated release and treat it like it was manna from heaven. Fuck off and progress a little, buy an Absu album if you like Slayer, or some Prong if you like Metallica, and see what you could have won.

Abusive porn: As my lady lives 200 miles away, I'm an occasional patron of sites like Redtube. Why are there adverts all over it for sites like 18 And Abused? Puts me right off, that. It's just impolite.

Mayonnaise: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? It's filth!

Editors: They sound like Scott Walker laughing at Ian Curtis because he can't get it up, and they've paid £30 for this hooker and hahaha, Ian's going to be out of pocket on this one! There's also a broken Casio in the hotel room. And it's raining, and the window is open.

Yeah.

EDIT: ALSO! Nintendo. Why do they get all the lovingly printed shirts and retro chic? The consoles were ugly, the games were mostly terrible and Mario is a cunt. Sonic was way better. And Final Fantasy VII, that was shit too. As was every Square RPG since Secret of Mana, which wasn't really very good. Give me Dodonpachi Daifukkatsu, please; a game that actually does something.
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 12:23, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Lunchbox of Doooom
Ok. When I was 19, I was a bit of a goth. More so than I am now(I still have the Manson shirts but a Sunn O))) beard of grimnity adorns my manly features). I had the long leather coat, the eyeliner and most of all I had the lunchbox. A pink Hello Kitty lunchbox I bought from Claires Accessories, just the right size to fit a few cd's and a small paperback for work. I even put an Autechre sticker on it. I was that cool.

So. I started seing a girl from the 6th form, a stunningly pretty Placebo fan with some novel ideas of fun... All was good, until I went to meet the parents. I toned down the makeup, spoke politely and behaved immaculately.

The feedback? "He looks like a fucking paedophile with that lunchbox!"

I didn't go to that house again. I actually ended up giving away the lunchbox a year later, to a girl who very nearly tempted me into becoming an offender for real.

There's other stories, but they're incriminating.
(Sat 19th Aug 2006, 23:54, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Is it just me...
...or a several of the posts on here just people reacting with misplaced incredulity at being told off for actually doing something wrong? It's like that Council QOTW all over again...

Anyway, my own little tale of woe. Back in the day, in sunny Millom, I was serving my time in the local Green Day tribute. I believe this is required by law for every small-town Sixth-form drummer. One weekend, we had a super prestigious gig at TV's famous The Station. All was going pretty swimmingly, various pointless three-chord hammerings occurred, beer flowed and sticks were broken. About an hour in, we broke into that old pub staple, 'Wipeout'. Now, at the time I was a frankly terrible drummer, and at the bit where a drum solo is supposed to happen I merely sort of looked scared and tried desperately to keep time. Hardly a criminal offense.

After the set had finished, the guitarist(a whole month older than me, age fans) pulled me up and yelled "IF YOU EVER MAKE US LOOK THAT FOOLISH AND UNPROFESSIONAL AGAIN, YOU'RE OUT OF THE BAND!" I was shocked into a submissive silence. I mean, we were hardly headlining Donington...

Examination of photographs of the night reveal me to be wearing eyeliner, a Slipknot tshirt and a Pikachu necklace thing. I deserved more than a telling-off for that alone, I feel.
(Sat 22nd Sep 2007, 12:13, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Bleh
I attended my good friend Kev's funeral but the other day. Amusingly, his parents had opted for a religious service, ignoring the massive inverted cross tattooed down his spine. And the Sigil of Baphomet on his chest.

Guess what song they played as his corpse was burnt?

Fucking Alien Ant Farm.

I had 'My Way' playing in my head. The Sid Vicious version, obv..

Bit morbid for a first post, this. Ah well.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 1:38, More)