» School Assemblies

Why school halls should never have PA systems
School assemblies for us were relatively uneventful and uninteresting. Occasionally we would have a guest speaker from the local diocese come in and talk about something or other which none of us took real interest in (Except for the modern ideals vicar, who came in with a rope and a bowie knife and tied a Year 7 kid into a chair, only to cut him free in a demonstration of trust - he wasn't allowed back. Possibly for the lack of ritual slaughter of a virgin to appease the masses.)

One day, a very straight-laced vicar came in to talk to us about God and life etc. The talk he gave us was an attempt at humour and this was of course met with 800 stony faces. End of talk. Start of daily announcements about what lunchtime activities there were. Today there was going to be a reggae class in one of the English rooms at 1-

Cue sudden arrival over the speakers of sounds of ukelele and a man singing a very George Formby-esque style song and much mirth from all concerned. Even the Head in his bald majesty had a chuckle. And there was a polite ripple of applause.

Hahaha all very funny yes yes, calm down now chaps. Cue calming silence followed by the immortal blasting out of the chorus from the speakers:

"I'M A WANKER! I'M A WANKER! AND IT DOES ME GOOD LIKE IT BLOODY WELL SHOULD! I'M A WANKER! I'M A WANKER AND I'M ALWAYS PULLING MY PUD!"

What then followed was a mixture of horror from those on our stage, and explosion of laughing from everyone on the hall floor. Not many ever noticed the almost inaudible click from the sound system as our mystery assailants had loaded up Ivor Biggun's Winker's Song to play at the end of the assembly. To the credit of the staff, no mention of this incident was ever made again. All I will remember was the looks exchanged between the teachers roaring with laughter and the head who was desperately attempting to maintain dignity infront of one of God's representatives on earth.

tl:dr Wanker
(Mon 17th Jun 2013, 18:35, More)

» Workplace Boredom

The Two Word Film Title Game
While at work, nothing is more fun than the Two Word Film Title Game. The rules are simple.

1: Take two film titles with two words only in the title, such as "Top Gun" and "Deep Impact"

2: Swap the last words of each title.

3: Say the names of your new films out loud. "Top Impact" and "Deep Gun".

4: Watch as other people think of film titles and crack up.

Most notable examples included mixing the following:

Dirty Dancing
Hot Fuzz
Free Willy
The Hole

Once you play the game once, it sticks in your head forever. I've so far lost the equivalent of 9 afternoons to the game.
(Mon 12th Jan 2009, 21:36, More)

» The Credit Crunch

Watching it from the safe side
It's pretty horrible being where I am some days. I work doing people's pensions, and most of this hangs off the values of their money invested in the stock market...

Most of the time I get questions like "Why's my pension so small?" and "What's happened to all the money I put in it?" It doesn't really help when you can't explain to people (more like it's not accepted) that everyone else is in the same mess and someone up on high has cost us all a lot of money.

The worst thing is dealing with the people who've been made redundant. You see so many people who've lost their jobs because there's just not the money left to save them. And when they have gone and are over a certain age, they ask for a pension, and there's not enough money to provide anything decent.

Sorry for the seriousness, but there's not much to cheer about when people who work honestly all their life are driven into enforced poverty. Trouble is ahead for us.
(Sun 25th Jan 2009, 21:30, More)

» Beautiful Moments, Part Two

The worst thing about beautiful moments
It's pretty straightforward - we all have moments where something amazing happens in life and it makes you feel really good or whatever.

The horrible thing is you can't ever have the first beautiful moment again, it's there and it's gone in a flash. A bit like catching a snowflake in your throat. And the only thing you are stuck with is a memory.

I keep reliving over in my head a first kiss I had with a girl. I'm a single guy now so it's painful enough. But the whole night that I met the girl, spent hours talking to her, thinking how beautiful her smile was. How that she didn't mind that in my haste to shave I'd cut a skintag off my face by accident and had bled all the way down my neck prompting a hasty trip to Tesco for plasters looking like Sweeney Todd's last victim.

Walking her back to her car at closing time. In -2 temperatures, but feeling warm cause her hand somehow linked round mine now. Walking for ages just in silence holding her hand, looking at her every now and again and seeing her looking back and smiling. Getting to her car and her gently and softly kissing me. Then looking at me again, and kissing me exactly the same way again and giggling slightly. Before she drove off home again.

At that moment, I could have been walking on the top of the stratosphere. It was pure hollywood. The fact is though I will never get to have that moment again. Not even if I tried a thousand times will I have this beautiful moment again.

All of you people who have kids and loving husbands/wives/significant others will get to see that moment over and again every time they see who they love. I just have a memory and that isn't much fun in my opinion.

Although to be fair, I had a shit after being constipated and I too nearly saw the face of my maker. Is this a high or low point end to the post?
(Wed 11th Aug 2010, 20:39, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

As taught to me by my A-Level English Teacher
Anyone who when giving an important talk or lecture says "Basically" has no fucking clue what they are talking about.

I reckon this will shaft most politicians during the next few weeks.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 18:02, More)