» Accidental innuendo

On the bus
When I was about 3 (I don't remember this, but my dad insists on telling it frequently) we used to live in London. One day my dad took me to Oxleas Wood on the bus.

In those days I didn't always wipe my arse properly (come on, I was three) and as such used to get 'nappy-rash'. So there we are, sat on the top deck of a double-decker bus with a big rasta guy sat behind us, when I pipe up with:

"DADDY, I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE WOODS, MY BOTTOM HURTS!"

Everyone stared at him.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 17:23, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

I used to get the piss taken a lot at primary school
As I was a bit of a spastic child with no coordination (and they also thought I was autistic). So I used to get bullied, beaten up, teased, etc and never really fought back.

Until my parents found out one day. My dad gave me the 'be a man, son' talk.

The next day, the school bully (Jason, I think his name was, at Ashmead Primary School in New Cross, London, in about '94) decided to have a go.

Except somehow, 7-year-old me managed to get him down on the floor, and kick him in the head.

And kick him again. And again. And again.

He was missing most of his teeth and his head was an odd shape, he also couldn't speak properly. He had to be taken away in an ambulance. He never came back to school.

And they never found out it was me.

That fucking showed the cunt. You wouldn't believe the amount of abuse I had to put up with from him and his mates.

I still hate him, 13 years later. I hope he's still sat in a wheelchair with his dribbling mong-face oozing spit. Fuck with the weird kid and that's what you get, let that be a lesson.

(Oh, and I turned out to be perfectly normal. Mostly...)
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 16:16, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Motorway games
Sometimes when driving back from working in London, tanning it up the motorway at 3am gets very boring and I have to play a game to stop myself from falling asleep (as we're no longer even allowed to smoke in company vehicles!)

One of my favourites is 'Undercover Copper'. It works especially well if I'm driving the dark blue Ford Mondeo I sometimes use for work.

It works like this - cruise in the left-hand lane at about 60-70mph. Wait for a BMW, Merc, or similar to go flying up the offside. Then follow them.

When you get close enough to them, it helps if you raise your hand to your mouth and talk into it, as though you are calling to check details of his car.

Normally, when you follow them for a few miles, they slow down. At this point, continue to follow them, until you have them well and truly paranoid.

Then boot it and wave as you fly past them.

I know it's evil, but I just can't help it.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 16:21, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

In my friend's house, after she stripped the wallpaper off the walls,
she discovered this little gem hidden underneath:

"Hello! I hope you will enjoy decorating this bathroom as much as I did. When you have finished make sure to have a nice, relaxing soak. March 1999"
(Fri 4th May 2007, 16:54, More)

» My sex misconceptions

When I was about 7...
...my parents asked me 'Do you know what sex is?'

'Yes! I do! It's when you put your willy up a girl's bottom and pee!" I exclaimed with a huge grin on my face.
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 20:31, More)