» Things we do to fit in

I don't usually try to.
But sometimes it happens in the oddest ways. Like this occasion, back when I was putting my time to good use during my university summer holidays.

I was temping with the bin collectors, amongst other agency work, filling in when they were short on manpower. So after the safety lecture ("Don't stand behind the wagon when it's reversing, don't stick your arm in"), out I go with two others, three man crew per bin lorry.

These guys were all of a certain sort; Sun newspaper, chip butties, football and desire for boobs. They were nice enough, though, despite inhabiting a rather alien world of blokeyness, and the conversation would sometimes wander onto the "philosophical" questions of life, which was nice. I was generally with a different team each day, but always the same thing would happen:

A young lady would catch the driver's eye. He'd lean out and sound his appreciation with the standard hooting whistle. Then, without fail, he would turn to me and say "you got a bird then?"

I would, quite honestly, answer; "no, I'm gay."

There would be a pause while "ctrl-alt-del" is pressed in their minds. Then the subject would neatly change to something entirely unrelated.

Except for one time, when Dave (if I remember right, though it could just as easily be Frank, or Steve, or Bob) responded to my answer with the customary pause, then a thoughtful inhale, then...

"Well, I don't know much about that, but when I were younger I slept with my best mate."

Stunned, I cautiously replied, "you mean, shared a bed?"

"Oh no," said Dave. "We had sex. But not in a gay way."

I couldn't think of a good reply to that one, so it was up to me to change the subject this time.

I wonder how many other blokey blokes have had manly man-on-man sex "not in a gay way".
(Thu 15th Jan 2009, 17:03, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Working at a nursery once upon a time.
I encountered some odd rules. The strangest, and possibly most dangerous, was this one.

The sproglets are outside playing in the nursery garden, scampering about, having fun, under the watchful eye of myself and the trained carer. Myself, not being trained, was limited in what I could do. I couldn't change nappies, for instance, or ever be left alone with any of the children without a trained carer in the room. Sensible precautions, really, and not the strange rule this story is about.

The trained carer asked me to fetch something from inside, then stopped herself.

"No wait, I'll have to do it," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Muslim girl's inside on her own and you're a man. You can't be alone with her."

I gave my WTF face. "Huh? That doesn't make any sense. I'm gay!"

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Sorry."

She then went to fetch whatever it was, leaving me, the untrained young man alone with a garden full of toddlers.

I killed and ate six of them before she returned.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 17:27, More)

» Karma

Looking back.
Sometimes I wonder what everyone from school is up to now. I'm in a different part of the country, so opportunities to find out are limited to visiting my parents at Christmas and the like.

The local Tesco in my hometown seems to be staffed exclusively by people I knew at school who, if I'm being honest, I am quite happy to see still stuck working there, living with their parents, progressing no further than the wasted lives that they thought were oh so cool when they were teenagers.

On the other side, the people I want to see doing well are, by and large, managing that. Some of them are doing very well indeed. I'm quite happy seeing that too.

The really bad ones I don't know about. Perhaps they are pulling in more money than I am, or have won the lottery, or any of the other good things that seem to be happening to the bad people in other people's stories. But that doesn't upset me.

That's because I know this; truly bad people punish themselves. It doesn't matter how much good fortune comes their way, sooner or later they'll wreck it. Like being a chav, being a bastard is its own punishment. Their bad natures will not allow them to enjoy what they have, or cause them to lose it; the aggressive and arrogant driving their BMW into a tree, the abusive and violent putting themselves on the wrong side of the law, the selfish and heartless losing all hope of love...the list goes on.

If you want to believe it, perhaps karma gives good things to bad people only so that they feel the loss much more severely when they get what they really deserve. It's a comforting thought, even if untrue.

You just have to be patient. :)
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 18:07, More)

» Turning into your parents

Snow.
You know you're officially old when a heavy snowfall stopping you from getting to work/school inspires annoyed frustration rather than heart-skipping glee.
(Thu 30th Apr 2009, 15:45, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Eww.
Right now, as I type, there is only one other person in the office with me, and he's been picking his nose for the past five minutes.

Oh God, he just won't stop!
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 18:46, More)