» Beautiful but Bonkers

"Look at this photo. He Made Me Cry. And my mother cry. Are you going to cry?"
I pulled this girl, Jackie. She has big tits. She was known, rather unoriginally, as Jackie Bigtits. She was gorgeous, half-oriental, with long flowign black hair, alluring exotic eyes and great big tits.

Somehow I managed to keep my natural girl-repellent in check and found myself back at her place, kissing and fumbling like a good'un. We end up on her bed, with only her panties and my boxers separating us. All is going well. I'm going to fuck Jackie Bigtits! I'm already a legend for getting those jubblies out, when the lads find out I fucked her too, I'll be a cooler than fucking Fonzy!

Everything is red hot when she, for some unfathomable reason I can't see now, gets up, wanders over to her dresser and grabs a photo. She shows me the photo. It's an Indian man, 50-60, in white pajamas with a floral necklace.
"What do you see?"
I tell her what I see "An old Indian guy" said with more than a hint of 'less talking, more fondling'
"No," she says more forcefully "What do you SEE?"

I realise now that I should have seen said something, anything. But all I could muster was a shrug. A silent shrug.

"This is guru Mbalmlalmbala [or somthing]. He's amazing. When I saw this photo, I cried. My mother cried too. Do you want to cry?"

Again, all I needed to do was make a noise, anything remotely sympathetic, encouraging. Again, she looked at me with those deep eyes, willing me not to fuck it up. And again, all I did was shrug. Silently.

Two, or five, or ten, or thirty minutes later, in a atmosphere so edgy you could have mistaken yourself for being in a morturary, we got dressed, and I left.

And walking home at 4am all I could think of was how that fucking old Indian twat had stopped me fucking Jackie Bigtits.

Found out a few weeks later she's gone gay after me. So not only did I get zero kudos for getting the Bigtits out, I got ribbed for being denied sex by an Indian Guru *and* for turning a honey into a lesbian. Thanks, Guru whateverthefuckyournamewas.
(Fri 17th Nov 2006, 22:34, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Business Trip Away? Check Your Hotel Wardrobes
My sister graduated from Cambridge when I was 17, and the folks decided we all needed to attend...much to my annoyance. This meant staying overnight in a Halls of Residence room. So we all arrived, had dinner that night and retired for the night.

Then, for some reason I'll never understand, I searched the room, looking through all the draws and oddly, on top of the wardrobe. Where I found a copy of Razzle.

Result!

17 year old boy, alone, in a hotel room, with a piece of serendipitous grot.

I was sore the next day, believe me.



And now, 11 years later, a married corporate goon, whenever business takes me away for a night to some soulless Travelodge/Jury's Inn/Holiday Inn/Whatever, I still always check the room for filth, just in case. Because - believe me - if you ever chance upon a porno mag and have the opportunity to abuse yourself to it, the feeling of wonder never leaves you.
(Thu 14th Sep 2006, 23:10, More)

» Creepy!

Death
Courtesy of the Mrs - my father-in-law's mother was very poorly and approaching the end. She'd lived in the west country but had moved into a nursing home in Surrey so the family could look after her in her last days as dementia was setting in. Her husband had died years beforehand, and in her later years she'd grown close to a friend, named Bill.

Anyway, my father-in-law visited her and used to get frustrated at her senile stories, correcting her mistakes and picking her fantasies up - as is his way, he's not one for "yes, dear, that's nice".

So the family found out that the old friend, Bill, had died one day. My father-in-law decided not to tell his mother, after all, she's on the way out, there was no need. Next visit, he's at her bedside and she says "I saw Bill the other day, he came to see me". My father-in-law, not saying as word about the death, did his usual thing "No you didn't, Bill's down in Somerset, he's not here", getting frustrated.

His mother replied "Yes, he came here to see me. He told me not to worry, it doesn't hurt".

Apparently his blood ran cold.
(Fri 8th Apr 2011, 19:43, More)

» Iffy crushes

Sure I'm not the first in 11 pages to say
Cheetarah from Thunderbirds. I used to get really turned on at the thought of the Mutants capturing and raping her.

Oh come on, I was 14
(Sat 8th Oct 2011, 16:30, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

There's somethink about Mary
Ugh

Oh, and add to that the letter "Haitch"
(Sat 10th Apr 2010, 19:22, More)