» The most cash I've ever carried

The most amount of Cash I will ever carry is $15,000,000.00.
It was pure chance, destiny, star alignment, call it what you will. I was there one dull overcast Monday morning opening my email, and there I saw it, an offer I couldn't refuse. Albert Fred from Nigeria had gone through so much. He opened up to me as if he'd known me forever. He knew I was trustworthy, but when I pushed him on this he wouldn't say how he knew. Not only had his Sister, Aunt and Cousins been killed in a terrible Air Crash but his Mother and father two months ago had dropped dead. This man still found it in him to write to me amidst all his emotional trauma. What bad luck could bestow one individual. Now he was alone in Nigeria, with no family and none he trusted. The least I could do for him was to set up an Off Shore account and pretend to The Central Nigerian Bank to be a distant relative so that he could get hold of his inheritance. .Another coincidence was that Albert worked In The Central Nigerian Bank. I only found this out when I compared the Email addresses. Bless him, he wasn't going to tell me, I think he was embarrassed. Considering he had an education his punctuation and pigeon English was dismal. I looked up ticket cost on priceline.com for a round-trip flight from London to Nigeria. I really thought I could do with a holiday, and combining a bit of business would be fun.

So, 30% for me and 60% to him with 10% VAT. Trouble is I hadn't reckoned on the cost of all the legal documents amounting too $4000.00 up front. We swapped photos. Albert, I must say looked a bit of a catch. If he could lend me the $4000.00 for the legalities I would doubly pay him back when I had the $4.5 million.

So far Albert has stalled on this arrangement.

Albert I'm sure will apologise for length.
(Wed 28th Jun 2006, 9:25, More)

» Summer Holidays


The time I went to Salou in the late eighties at the time they were dumping raw sewage onto the beach and sea. There were outbreaks of typhoid. At least one dead person found floating in hotel swimming pool. Giant rats inhabited the beach. It didn't help that I was with an utter twonk. For some reason that escapes me I decided to learn to windsurf. The horror of dunking into this sewage mess sped up the learning of the standing on the board bit no end. There was a certain corner in town refereed to as 'pooh corner'. I believe raw sewage was running down the streets. We arrived in a thunderstorm, it was pissing down most of the time and flooding. At the airport they were selling 'I was there in the scare' T shirts.
(Mon 27th Jul 2015, 15:53, More)

» Fantasists

I had a friend back in the 70's that went one step further than an imaginary friend,
she had a whole group - the 'Osmonds' that used to be with her all the time. I realise that this immediatley ages me. Anyway, we were in the water meadows one day bellowing through a culvert at each other, as kids do.There was a noise,I looked up from my games and screamed - a man had dropped his pants in front of me. All I heard then was 'Charge Osmonds Charge!!' and she was in hot pursuit of him with her merry band. On her return she explained he did not speak the lingo and wanted a wee. As if!
(Fri 6th Jun 2014, 13:01, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

terrible 'accident'
Didn't happen to me but I paid a medical claim for a man who 'fell' on a cucumber once. Which prompted me to pend the claim for accident details. (Cause hey - I was bored at work and I just HAD to see the explanation). The claim came back in with 'accident details' to the effect of: The guy went grocery shopping, and put his groceries on the kitchen counter. Then he set about making himself some tea - and spilled water on the floor in the process. While he waited for the water to boil - he decided a hot bath sounded nice. So he stripped down and got ready for his bath. The tea kettle started to whistle so he ran for the kitchen, slipped on the water puddle he'd neglected to wipe up and accidently knocked the grocery bag onto the floor. He then opined that he must have fell on the cucumber JUST RIGHT,(which sounds realistic to me). Come on, guys. Let he who hasn’t accidentally sat on a nine-inch unwrapped cucumber causing it to become deeply embedded in his poop chute, cast
the first stone.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 11:05, More)

» Fears and Phobias


My daughter has an irrational fear of Mayonnaise. I am entirely responsible for this. She is now 16 and head lice happened when she was 5. I read an effective way of getting rid of these critters was lashings of mayonnaise, beer, vinegar and mouth rinse applied to the head then wrapped up. I duly did this,leaving her to sleep with the afore mentioned on her head. At 3 o'clock in the morning she wandered into my room. 'Mummy, I don't like mayonnaise'. She looked positively yellow in the half light so I panicked and got the stuff of her head. Also, I tried to give her fish oil by mixing it with mayonnaise in a seperate incident. That may have helped with the phobia.
(Fri 12th Sep 2014, 13:24, More)