» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Wanking
I was sitting around the house one day watching telly in my lounge, I had pulled a big armchair with high backed sides, you know the type they use on telly, when they are reading and wearing smoking jackets etc up closer to the telly and was watching a film with a cracking sex scene in it, now being stoned out of my gord, I felt a bit horny so proceeded to get my cock out and start having a wank, there was a chorus of outraged voices at that point, and then I remembered through my druged up haze, that I was actually watching the film with 3 of my mates, and they wondered what the fuck I was doing, oh the shame.
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 11:22, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Mind the Gap
On a station platform in Surrey is written PLEASE MIND THE GAP and some wit has added BETWEEN THE TIMETABLE AND REALITY, pure genius I tell you!
(Wed 9th May 2007, 11:21, More)

» Why I was late

Late coming
A long time ago, I had a top boss, who pretty much let me and the guys get away with murder. One day after a heavy night out, where upon I pulled this cracking German blond who was dirty as hell (And I mean DIRTY!!!!). Of course took her home did the nasty with her and passed out. Woke up the next morning looked over thought oh yeh, she's cracking, day off work me thinks to carry on shagging this cracking bird, so I phoned in sick.

Me: Sorry Justin, I won't be in today, not feeling at all well, got a bug or something.

Justin: Bollocks you lying bastard, I heard about that blond you pulled last night, I bet she's giving you a blowjob right now.

Me: Well... Yeh she is. (And she was to, the dirty bitch)

Justin: Ok mate, have a good time, give her one from me and I'll see you tomorrow.

Now thats a top boss.

Apologies for length, but she couldn't finish me off quick enough
(Fri 29th Jun 2007, 15:02, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Gat Guns
Years ago now, some friends and I had a Gat gun, you know the air pistol where you pushed the barrel in to load the air, pull the trigger and the barrel flies out like a bullet from a gun. Well we were loading it with rolled up wet tissue and shooting each other. This was all taking place in my house. We all ganged up on this guy and he dived under a duvet, where upon I thrust my hand under and pulled the trigger. Cue shout of pain, much laughter from us and then we hear the wimpering sob's coming from under the duvet, pull back the duvet, and see our mate in what can only be described as absolute pain. In fact hospital job. I had thrust the pistol right up to his nuts and pulled the trigger. Piston 5 inches long at forty miles an hour in the gonnads. Poor bugger
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 13:00, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Steak
When I was a wee teen, I worked in one of those roadside restaurant places, you know the big happy face with his hand in his mouth. Well it was closing up time. nearly all cleaned down, just waiting to go home after we have finished cleaning, when this guy walks in, sits down and orders a steak, all the staff are like bollocks, this is 5 to 11 and we want to go home. Well I cooked the steak, put a lot of effort into it and it was perfect one of the best I had ever cooked. It goes out to the customer, 2 mins later its back, the bastard ahs complained, stringy, to tuff etc. Well i think bollocks to you and get another steak out, and my collegues and I proceed to abuse this steak, kicking it around the floor, throwing it into the scrap bin, fag ash, the list goes on. Qucik dip in the fryer and then on the grill to cook. Steak goes out looking the worse for wear. We all sit there watching him tuck in, expecting him to stand up complain again and storm out. The bastard eats it all, and then says can I speak to the chef, I wander over and he says 'thats one of the best steaks I've had in a long time' and gives me a 5 pound tip the stupid bastard. The moral never complain in an eatery. I sure don't.

Apols for length and tenderness
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 11:19, More)