» Common

Common as...
Back at the beginning of the year I was doing a 3-month contract job for a quite respectable specialist software company.

One weekend I'd gone to visit family in Suffolk. Picture the scene, 5:30pm on a Friday, waiting to pull onto a roundabout on the A12, some poor sod in a Peugeot was either half asleep or not concentrating and slams smack into the back of me. Nothing major but both cars needed an insurance repair.

Now... because it was clearly the other guy's fault his insurance company offered a like-for-like courtesy car. I normally drive an A4 but they didn't have any Audis on the fleet so they offered me a 3-series or a Merc C-class. Not being a big fan of BMWs I took the C-class.

Half an hour later I get a phone call "sorry, we don't have a C-class available, will an E-class do?" Hell yes!

So the car gets dropped off. All the toys, leather, sat-nav, a back seat big enough to have wild kinky sex on... the next morning I drive into work and park up.

Next to the director's cars.

One BMW 320, one Citroen C5, one Audi A3.

The E-class dwarves them all.

My colleague (18 years old, bit of a boy racer, had a kev'd up Astra) took great delight in telling management "heh, he's got a better car than all of you!"

Had it for about 3 weeks all in as there was a backlog at the body shop getting mine repaired. But on one occasion I was visiting friends in Devon, drove into McDonalds in Barnstaple to see a bunch of chavs in their Vauxhall Corsas with ridiculous oversize alloys and rear wings that look like they'd been nicked off a Cessna.

Of course I couldn't resist. I'm in a rear-drive car... I knocked it down to 2nd (sequential automatic gearbox) and kicked the tail end out, took it in a 360 degree powerslide around McD's car park and slid sideways into a parking space.

I then got out of the car along with my friend (who was laughing her head off), walked past the aforementioned chavs and just said "evening!"

You kinda had to be there I guess...
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 16:33, More)

» The Boss

I can't figure out my boss...
He's a bit strange. Turns up to work when he feels like it, spends most of the day watching telly or browsing pr0n^H^H^H^H the web (although he does tend to work late and does some very long days).

And today he took the whole day off to drive to Plymouth to help this girl he's madly in love with move house. Even loaned her the money to hire a van (she's promised faithfully to pay it back when she gets paid next week). Apparently she's now introduced him to her mum as well.

Quite honestly I wonder how he ever gets any work done but the company is making a profit. I think he has some sociopathic tendencies though.

PS: I'm self-employed.
(Fri 19th Jun 2009, 23:50, More)

» School Days

I got kicked out of primary school...
...for fingering a girl from my class behind the bike sheds.

The headteacher said it was a real shame, cos I was the best maths teacher he'd ever had at the school.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 17:52, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Speaking of sisters...
I shagged my mate's 15-year-old sister. Twice.

In his bed.

And broke it. (His bed I mean.)

I was 22 at the time.
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 11:44, More)

» School Days

Aye, Klingons Cap'n!
Again when I was about 10, there was a kid in my class who I shall call Andrew King, for that was indeed his name.

Who had this habit of shitting in his pants. Psychological rather than physical, apparently he used to do it for attention. But anyway...

One week, PE class. When he went into the shower some other kid picked up his soiled underpants and started running round with them shouting "shitty pants, shitty pants!" as 11-year-olds have a tendency to do in such situations.

He then chucked them up in the air and drop-kicked them. They hit the ceiling and stuck fast.

Now, I don't know if anyone here remembers the song "Star Trekkin'" by The Firm... but at this point every single person started singing in unison "there's klingons on the ceiling" to the tune of this.

At this point the kid waddled out of the shower with a towel wrapped around him (I say "waddled" as he was a fat git on top of the incontinence) and someone pointed and said "It's Andrew Kling!"

The name kind of stuck... for the next 3-4 weeks until he was "removed" and sent to a special school for disturbed kids.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 17:37, More)