» Workplace Boredom

When you don't answer your phone after several attempts
It is highly likely the receptionist will pop into the office to leave a note on your desk.

What she won't expect is to see you sat there, unable to speak, with brown drool coming out of your mouth, as you had been trying to see how many maltesers you could fit into your mouth at the time.
I sadly speak from experience.
(Tue 13th Jan 2009, 14:36, More)

» Council Cunts

Have you been trapped in the relentless petty minded bureaucracy of your local council?
No, but these council workers will soon realise they have been trapped by all the hard work they had been doing...... putting up bollards.......

(Thu 26th Jul 2007, 19:35, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Act of God!
We live on a cul-de-sac on a typical 60's housing estate, it's a great place to live, the dozen or so kids are not glue sniffing ASBO's, and if there is a party the neighbours won't complain as the chances are that it is them seeing who can trampoline onto the garage roof or whatever while pissed at 3am. Its a bit like Neighbours, but without Harold Bishop. Everyone gets on well with each other.....apart from one childless couple who are known locally as 'The moaning cunts'.

The woman is the worst. She once called the police as 'the children keep riding their bikes all day long on the road' - not on the pavement or anywhere, but up and down the close! She was told it was not actually an offence to ride a bike on a public road, and to stop wasting their time. (She has a friend she told this to, who also knew one of the mothers, who couldn't wait to tell her)

This summer, on one of the few hot days, the kids decided to have a water fight. Within minutes, she was out, gobbing off.

(Details provided by my 12 year old daughter)

'If you don't stop that right now I'm calling the police. Look at the mess you have made in the road, it's all wet. And.....OH MY GOD...... YOU'VE WET MY GARDEN WALL!!!!'

At that point she went bright red and looked about to cry.

Also at that point, my neighbour, a copper no less, also appeared from his garage with his hosepipe and squirted the road for a few seconds. (Turns out he was actually planning on drenching the kids for a laugh, but she came out just before him, so he stayed hidden)

'There, i've just wet the road too, are you going to bollock me as well, or are you only able to use threatening behaviour to minors?'

This had the desired effect of making her rapidly shrink down in size and look suitably sheepish.

Killer comment - well that came from a 9 year old girl.

'You know when it rains, do you rush outside and shout at God for wetting your wall?'

Exit one moaning cunt, feeling totally stupid for not thinking her complaint through, and a dozen kids at high speed to tell their parents the good news.
(Sat 22nd Sep 2007, 15:30, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Oooh Shiny!
I work in the graphics dept of a print works. One of our directors has 2 faults - he is one of the most vain people i know, constantly combing his hair, and he is also a bit of a clueless nobber.

His first crime was on Comic Relief day earlier this year when 2 minging old women came in dressed as nuns from the front, but the back of their habits were cut away to reveal stockings and thongs. Most people gave them a quid or so (to get them out of their eyeline before they heaved), but if anyone was a bit slow, he would pipe up ' Come on you tight git, I've put 20 quid in'.
Nothing wrong there you may think........except he later put it in as an expenses claim!

Secondly, I personally have helped a client set up a monthly magazine, giving them loads of advice and technical help with software etc, and they recently celebrated their 50th issue and had a party at a local restaurant. I found out when they phoned up and during the conversation casually mentioned it was a shame i couldn't make it, and he had filled in for me.

Utter Cnut! He hadn't said a word to me! What makes it worse for me is that he has absolutely nothing to do with them work wise.

When the magazine artwork next came in, there he was, on the 'party pics' page, queuing up for his free feast. This displeased me somewhat, and unluckily for him i did something i shouldn't have.

As i work in graphics i am fairly comfortable with photoshop. 5 minutes later there he was, all his hair missing, and a nice shiny 'Right Said Fred' style in its place. I printed it out, with the intention of pinning it up on a notice board while he was out. However, just as i did, another Director came up, saw it, pissed himself and ORDERED me to sneak it in the magazine. It was duly printed, and over 15,000 have just been sent for distribution.

The best thing about the deed, is that he lives in the area where it is distributed free to every door, and if he does go bonkers, i have a written statement from Director2 saying it was all his idea.

Never piss off a 'shopper who has access to your image!

I reckon he will actually cry!
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 18:23, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Sneak thief
I think I was the victim of a sneak thief in my own home today.

I had finished work this dinnertime, and made myself some bacon sarnies. I sat down to watch telly and knocked the remote off the arm of the settee. In the time it took me to lean over the arm, retrieve the remote and sit back up again my sarnies had gone!!

Whoever did it was in and out in seconds. They must have been fast, as my dog had been lying on the settee with me and she had not even barked at them. They must have scared her though, as she was gulping funnily, and went to lie on her bed while giving me nervous looks.

I'm going to lock the door this teatime, and have some 3 x 2 close to hand. See them get in without me noticing this time!
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 16:48, More)