» Well, that taught 'em

Don't be racist...
Friend of mine lived in a block of flats. No probs there, except one of the other people in the block was a raging racist. To the extent she would make up tales of his 'nefarious coon activities' and phone the police on a regular basis. Fortunately the police started to ignore her.

So she took matters into her own hands.

So I offered to do likewise for my friend. She was rather houseproud and was the sort who would make you take your shoes off before you trod on the Welcome mat. Red rag meet bull.

In my student days I had been known for the odd prank and one of them was making the fountain go pretty colours in Manchester town square. I therefore had a quantity of Flourozine* left over in a tub in the bottom of the wardrobe.

I dismantled a 'Party Popper' and re-packed it with said rust brown powder. Opening her letterbox I fired it across her carpet.

She took the bait and took a bowl of hot, soapy water and a cloth to the hallway.

She now has a day-glo yellow patch on the carpet.

*The stuff they use to trace leaks in the drains - brown powder, but goes dayglo yellow when mixed into solution.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 6:56, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

His journey is still ongoing ...
Arrived at work this morning to observe traffic CHAOS. Walked into the office and discovered why:

At 4am someone was tanking it down the A40 outside our building in a silver Bimmer. No other traffic on the road he overcooks it. Armco, across carriageway to Gantry support and back over to Armco.

Wasn't wearing his seatbelt, so when he hit the gantry he was ejected through the windscreen. And BEHEADED on the beam.

Being the squeamish and respectful bloke that I am I ran to the roof of our building to get a good look. He managed to spread himself over quite a distance. Damn I wish I'd brought a camera to work - the one on my phone didn't cut it.

Normally, the Police would just tut-tut a few times and then pick him up with a sponge, hose it down and reopen the road.

Except they couldn't find his head!

So the road remained closed for 13 HOURS! It has only just re-opened. Re-united with his noggin (which we think made it a fair distance and into someone's front garden), the bloke is now continuing his journey at a much more sedate speed in a zip up plastic overcoat while his 2 passengers (who WERE belted up) are critically ill in hospital.

I think that counts as a Journey from Hell.
(Sun 10th Sep 2006, 19:08, More)

» Abusing freebies

PeaRoast about Amsterdam Trade Fair...
Went to Amsterdam to a big broadcast convention. A group of about 5 of us (the team and our boss) all stayed in various hotels around the city for 4 days then flew back (SleazyJet) and the next lucky team from another area of the department would take over our rooms.

The guy who's room I was due to take over was a 'Manager without Portfolio' - you know the type - so had kicked off when he saw his room and inststed he be upgraded. Everyone (my boss included) were in the cheapest rooms available, whereas thanks to the upgrade (which could only be done for the length of the booking) I was in a suite.

Things then just got better and better. Got wasted on exhibitors stands every day, gathered some quite expensive freebies ... some of which were actually USEFUL!

We ate at the 2nd finest restaurants every night and, every time, the boss would buy the first round of drinks then nominate one of us to put the meal etc on our credit card. When challenged that he hadn't bought a meal he simply said "Yes, but *I* sign your expense claims, if *I* pay then *my* boss (Made Scrooge look generous) gets to see the size of the bill."

The best one (for abuse of expenses and free for us, so I guess it counts) came when he *did* put something on the company plastic: He took us 20-somethings to see a live sex show. We couldn't believe he'd done it, but he showed us the statement when he got back to the UK. "Live Entertainment" and an innocent sounding company name. In the 'reason for expense' box that accompanied the statement he wrote simply "Team Building Exercise" and sent it back for payment.
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 16:48, More)

» My most gullible moment

Striped paint.
While working in a theatre me, the stage manager and the DSM pulled a stunt on a visiting PFY type who was doing work experiece with us.

Stage Manager sends PFY backstage for a tin of 'stripey paint' for the set. PFY sensed he was being taken for a ride, but the Stage Manager insisted. PFY returned a few moments later to ask "horizontal or vertical?".

Goes back, returns with tin of paint from DSM, which the Stage Manager promptly begins applying to one of the Tormentors (fuckoff big canvas flats, fo you non-luvvies out there). Lo and behold it goes all stripey.

Unknown to PFY the crew had painted stripes on the flat with candle wax first.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 14:40, More)

» Advice from Old People

The Roadcrew Mantra
Advice printed on a Roadie's T-Shirt when I first started out doing lighting at gigs:

If it's wet - Drink it!
If it's dry - Smoke it!
If it moves - Fuck it!
Anything else - Load it on the truck!

Wise words indeed. And one of my own I like to use to the younger generation: It's only unethical if you get caught!
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 13:30, More)