» Impulse buys

SWMBO's parents are Francophiles.
They like all antique furniture - grandfather clocks, antique mahogany dressing tables and other such monstrosities. But especially French furniture. The following story is 100 percent true.

Anyhoo, a couple of years back, at the beginning of December, SWMBO's dad decided that he simply must have a Louis XVI style chaise longue.

"It will add a decadent feel to the living room", he argued, "It'll be very nice at Christmas time with a glass of claret."

Now, SWMBO's mother is of French descent, hence the Francophile wrong-ness. She agreed with the 'decandent' and 'christmas' mentality and enthusiastically allowed him a budget of £500 to make the hideous purchase.

Off to the antique dealers he went, he searched high and low, far and wide but alas, nothing suitable could be found.

I suggested he try FleaBay. "Good idea, Sir".

Within minutes, he had found the perfect chaise longue. Carved giltwood with gold leaf, burgundy upholstery, decadent looking - it was to be the perfect wine drinking chair. And the bidding had only reached £30 odd quid, although there were many bidders. With less than an hour to go!

"I'll have that" thought SWMBO's old man, "make sure that no-one else can outbid me" he hurredly proclaimed.

Gambling on there being a rush as the auction ended, he placed a maximum bid of £250, half of their budget, but easily enough to secure the nice new chaise longue.

Sure enough there was a rush. The bids flooded in, and SWMBO's elders just pipped it, paying a grand total of £253 (including the delivery charge of £5).

"Bloody cheap shipping as well, if I do say so myself" exclaimed an overjoyed SWMBO's dad. All was well, the house was to be a veritable palace with the nice new chaise longue installed in time for Christmas.

Roll forward, 2 days later, there was a knock at the door. A parcel was delivered. The parcel was unknown, but addressed to SWMBO's dad.

"Anyone order anything?" he enquired, showing the parcel to everyone. "This one's addressed to me."

"Nope" came the reply.

With a shrug of the shoulders he opened the small, carefully wrapped parcel.

Silence.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???!!!" he bellowed, red faced, as he presented a carefully wrapped antique chaise longue, with a certficate of authenticity. All very lovely, apart from the fact it was about 3 inches long, meant for a doll's house.

£253 for a small doll's house chaise longue. Should have read the item description properly, shouldn't you?
(Thu 21st May 2009, 12:33, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Non alcoholic beer.
It's like going down on your sister. Tastes the same, it's just not quite right.
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 17:41, More)

» Hypocrisy

After reading Lythium's post
about animal rights activists I am all angry now grrrrrrr!

I go game shooting during the season which runs through autumn and winter. Being conscientious, I always take home the fruits of my labour for the pot, and go to great lengths to ensure that all shot game is retrieved, often in very tricky terrain. During the close season, I take part in various conservation activities like coppicing, litter picks on the coast and along rivers, improvement of cover for ground nesting birds. This in turn is beneficial for all manner of other (often endangered)wildlife - butterflies, birds of prey, field mice etc and as such I get to see wildlife in my shooting areas which I would never get to see if I didn't shoot and help to maintain the areas where I do.

It is my opinion that shooting a pheasant which has spent it's life in the woods eating berries and corn is a much more humane than buying a watery chicken from the supermarket which has spent it's life cooped up in a tiny cage being covered in other chicken's shit, pulling out it's own feathers and pecking the flesh from it's own legs because of the infections which it caught through lack of clean living space. Even the free range chickens which are so popular now have a long way to go (if ever)before their quality of life will be anywhere near that of a wild/reared bird. Also game tastes better and is leaner because it eats natural food (not the slurry and medicines fed to supermarket livestock).

So imagine my fury when some greasy hippy badger kisser criticises me for going out and 'callously blasting sentient beings from the sky', before going home and tucking into a foul roast fowl.

Now I don't mind you expressing your disapproval if you don't eat meat (even if you are wet enough to not eat it because you saw bambi when you were six) because you are not then going home and sanctimoniously practising what you preach.

But if you do eat meat, please get your facts in order before calling someone who enjoys fieldsports a 'murderous bastard' or 'evil wanker'. You have no moral high ground, you narrow minded, bigoted hypocrites.

Sorry rant over!

Length? 40yards maximum for consistent humane kills.
(Thu 19th Feb 2009, 14:58, More)

» God

A friend with bad taste and big balls
but who is in fact one of the least fascist people you could know, once walked down Canterbury high street wearing a hoody with a silhoutte of Auschwitz B on the front and 'KILL ALL JEWS' plastered all over the back.

A policeman(not unreasonably) asks him to take it off, suggesting that it may cause offence to well, just about everyone. Pal declines. Policeman gets angry and says if he doesn't take it off, then he'll have to go to the police station for a telling off. Matey boy reluctantly removes the hoody, to reveal a T-shirt emblazened (in 6" letters) with 'JESUS IS A CUNT'.
(Thu 19th Mar 2009, 18:34, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Hip hop/RnB/other 'popular' chav music
and all other such talentless aural bum rubbish with a simple beat being talked over incoherently by an equally simple 'G' with 'bling' and 'hoes'.

Just fuck off back to your ghetto. Why couldn't one of the NINE FUCKING BULLETS do the business? They're trying to tell you something. You're not a gangster. You're a cunt.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 18:02, More)