» Public Sex

Ooh going back to November 2007...
... was seeing my then ex, who lived in East London. We'd only been seeing each other for about a month, so as you can imagine we were using any god-given opportunity to do filthy things to each other. One week I had my youngest sister visit me from back home, which meant that I could not see my bloke as I had to be 'responsible' older sis.

He didn't like this.

So one evening when I was at my place with her, he drives over and tells me to come out to the car so we can chat at least. I tell my housemate to keep an eye on my sibling urchin and run to my bloke's Mini cabriolet. Oh yes.

We went for a little spin and parked up on some random residential street off Green Lanes in Harringey and started to have a bit of a fumble. Minis are... mini, and the windows quickly began to fog up. we also could not do much in the passenger seats so he suggested that I get in the back and he would follow.

Fucking hell, the cramp! I honestly felt like my right leg was being sawn in half as I squeezed my ample arse between the passenger seats. I was trying hard to not squeal out in pain, wanting to look elegant as I scratched the upholstery to pieces in his beloved little mobile fuck-box.

Anyway, I managed in the end and sat there waiting for his majesty to grace me with his penisly presence, and he certainly did a slightly more graceful entrance (fner) than I. We got down to it, him sort of on top of me, me trying to lift my right leg and put it in any conceivable position that would not cause the cramp to kick in again. All going well, we're going for about ten mins and my thighs started to ache. I made one TINY move of the right leg and the cramp hit me like Pole driving a VW the wrong way up the M1. My leg shot out and I kicked the roof near the front of the car. I'm shouting all manner of obscenities, my bloke wondering what the hell is going on, his old chap suddenly starting to look very feeble.

What we had not noticed in the commotion is that I had managed to hit the button to make the roof go back... and it was about halfway through it's descent, too late to bring it back. Bloke's hairy white arse had the moonlight being reflected off it, and I was legs akimbo in the back of a fucking Mini.

That's not the worst bit. Walking up to the car along the lovely, quaint residential street was a middle-aged couple walking their dog. I don't know what they looked like, I had my eyes clamped fucking shut. My bloke responded in the only way he could.

He farted.

I started crying.
(Thu 23rd Apr 2009, 15:39, More)

» Personal Ads

Whip crackin...
Well, where do I start? I have been flapping about a couple of sites for a couple of years now - and quite frankly it's been fucking excellent!

My first foray? Well, I thought I would be timid and dip my toe into the world of *booming voice*... DOMINAAATIONNNNNNN! Signed up to a site and had a good giggle at the utter freakazoids on there, then suddenly found myself being drawn into it!

Cock shots in emails? Fuck me, I've seen more cock than Annabel Chong. I've probably met around 20 people in the past couple of years - some fab, and others who wanted to take me to a car-park so they could curl one off on the floor in front of me whilst I slap them with a bit of mackerel. Hey, whatever floats your boat, dear chap!

I remember once browsing some of the newbies and coming across one guy’s photo that I vaguely recognized. It was surprisingly a face shot, but he had specs on. Could it be? Noooo, it couldn’t. The guy from work?! A couple of days later I got a message from this guy saying how much he loved my profile, and wondered if we could have a chat. Luckily I don’t have a face pic on my own profile, so I sent a message asking him his name and where he was from. Sure enough he came back saying his first name, and that he was an original Aussie. I half crapped myself, knowing for sure it was the guy who worked on the floor above me. I stopped replying.

Over the next few days I got a succession of emails from ‘Tease2Orgasm’… mostly including various pictures of his cock, arsehole, and various things inserted up it. He still works here. I cannot look at him.

My bedroom is slowly turning into a BDSM lost property section – one half broken chastity device, a pair of rubber shorts, and various anal implements that don’t belong to my own personal collection. Ahhhh, it’ll be something to tell the grandkids at least…
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 13:33, More)

» Dumb things you've done

This very morning...
I did my usual bleary routine of getting out of bed, putting my specs on, going into the bathroom, having a whizz and then brushing my teeth. Now, when I have done all of this I like to slap some uber-girly moisturiser on my face. I got a big blob of the stuff, got it all over both hands to put it on my fizzog... and slapped it all over my glasses.

Cock.
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 16:19, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Does anyone remember those school playground poo ditties?

Diarrhoea,
Diarrhoea,
Comes out your bum, like Pedigree Chum!

Diarrhoea,
Diarrhoea,
Comes out you bum like a bullet from a gun!

Diarrhoea,
Diarrhoea,
Comes out your ass, and it feels like you shat glass!

OK, I'll stop now. But, ever since I started reading this QOTW I have had these fucking rhymes going around my head.
(Thu 3rd Apr 2008, 14:41, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

I killed Nemo!
Well, if Nemo had been around in 1990! I was 10 years old and on hols with my dad and my sister, going back to my roots in Mauritius.

One day Dad decided that he would charter a shitty little boat out to the reef so that we could catch fish and barbeque them on the beach... yummers.

ANYWAY, we get in said floating shitmobile and head out to reef. Dad and pal catch lots of fishies, and yours truly feels sick as a fucking dog. What made it worse is that when they caught the fish they did not put them in a bucket or anything, oh no... they simply pulled them off the hooks and dropped them into the boat. So, I was seasick, boat bobbing about more than Jenna Jameson on a cock, and loads of weirdly coloured fish flapping about my feet.

I begged to go back to shore.

We get back to the beach and I pass out for a couple of hours. When I wake up I feel fab and I can see that Dad had put the fish in a big bucket of water. YAY! I can have a pet! I grabbed one of the tropical little fuckers and put it in a plastic bowl filled with water. I sat it next to me and watched it intently... I quickly got bored.

BRAINWAVE... I'll feed it! I grabbed some grass, and a twig from the carpark. I sit down and wrapping a blade of the good old green stuff around the twig, I shove it into the fish's gob. Wow, fishy eats! I waited and within ten seconds the fish exhales the grass like a reverse vacuum cleaner. Hehe, COOL. I do it again... and again... and again... and again... you get the picture. I just wanted to feed him. I had no idea what a hungry fish looked like!

Poor fucker must have thought he was at some sort of aquatic Auschwitz. He died after about an hour at my torturous hands. I cried.

But, he tasted good on a bed of cous cous.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:38, More)