» Spoilt Brats

Wayne
She was called Anna. Proper posh girl, and we met at university. I was a council house swot made good, and she was a daughter of a rich landowner in Norfolk. No chance, thought I.

To my amazement, it happened. We were inseparable for 6 months at uni and I thought I'd caught a good one.

Until I was asked home to visit her parents at their mansion (i.e. a fuckoff huge house).

I visited them for dinner. Anna's mum put on a great spread, and I tried to be as cultured as possible. Until she looked at me and said " Wayne?".

I said "Sorry, my name's Dr Teeth".

She said "Sorry Dr Teeth, do you want red or white wayne?"
(Mon 13th Oct 2008, 23:44, More)

» My sex misconceptions

As a child (and despite having a mother who was a trained nurse)
I was told that children come out of your belly button.

As a reasonably sane but naive (sp) child, this made sense. That's where Mummy gets fat and it's the obvious place. My early days were OK.
Until I had to ring 999 when my mum's waters burst and she screamed for assistance. I was 5 years old.

I rang 999 (good Scouts training) and asked for an ambulance and the police, because there was blood and stuff. Bear in mind that this was a usual birth in the 60s, i.e. at home, supposedly with a midwife, or a relative if the midwife couldn't get there in time,

I stood there, 5 yrs old, watching my baby brother appear from somwhere that I PREVIOUSLY NEVER KNEW EXISTED.

Kinda puts you off intercourse for a bit when you see a live birth as your first introduction to the female genitalia. Yes, Freud would have a field day.
(Wed 1st Oct 2008, 20:09, More)

» Faking it

Rubbish IT advice
Many years ago, I was IT boffin at a largish Government dept. The IT budget at the time was small, and disk space then was expensive. My boss asked me to send a departmental email asking for people to be more prudent with their use of the communal server.

So I wrote "For all of you using server X for document storage, it has become clear that we are running out of space and at present have no funding to expand the data storage. So from this point on, anyone saving a MS Word document on this server must save it in a much smaller font."

p.s. a click for life if anyone can guess where my sig comes from. Google won't help.

small clue: I included it because it seemed relevant to the QOTW, and it's one of my favourite lyrics.
(Tue 15th Jul 2008, 21:11, More)

» Karma

Karma uncontrolled and fatal
This is not my first QOTW, but very appropriate for all the wrong reasons. As a recreational Buddhist, I believe in karma, but it works in some vicious ways.

A few years ago, I got to be friends with a financial adviser. The friendship bloomed and I got to meet his wife and family, and we all became good mates. So far so good. He was a nice bloke, though a bit "Walter Mittyish" but we learned to ignore that. He drank in my local, was friends with just about everyone, and seemed like a nice chap. However, I didn't realise quite how often he drank...

However, at some point, I got a bit behind in my tax returns and turned to him for advice. Now, kids, don't mix business with pleasure, (it NEVER works), and so he put me on to an "accountant" who specialised in "tax advice".

Anyway the upshot was I let this new guy, a wigged, basically criminal idiot "accountant" take charge of my tax affairs, and he succeeded in taking about 60k of my money due to Herr Taxman and fucked off with it. Now I'm in deep shit with the Revenue. You don't bugger about with these guys. If you're asking, he's being hunted in at least 3 countries for similar offences. I can say without any comeback that this crook is called Ian Paye.

Ok my bad, but you should trust friends, shouldn't you?

Cue to me taking very serious (and very expensive) legal advice about what to do. The brief advised me to sue the arse off my IFA mate and take him to the cleaners. The consequence of this would be that he'd lose his IFA status, no job and his family would have no income (his kids were in the midst of being at uni, doing A levels etc.)

I was concerned. A more bloody-minded person would have taken this course, but I, being a family friend and knowing that his wife knew nothing about this debacle, decided to take the hit and liquidate my company. I therefore would spare his family the ignominy of his downfall.

You may say, "What a mug", but I was basically in the clear, and would let him grovel to me for eternity. That'll do, I thought.

Less than a year after this happened, he died totally suddenly of a brain haemorrhage in his sleep at age 48. Even as an IFA he hadn't taken out any life insurance for his family, and left his widow and children with an unsustainable mortgage and debts beyond their elbows.

Now, that may not be karma in my book, but it doesn't help anyone. I didn't wish it on him, certainly not on his family, but it just goes to show what goes around comes around, whether you like it or not...That's true karma. It's not who it affects directly, but the indirect victims, who usually don't have a clue about what has happened.
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 20:07, More)

» Karma

Karma in waiting
A friend of mine is neighbour to a family who wanted to overachieve their children. You know the type.

Well, the son, being a diligent and good pupil, got 5 A* marks at GCSE. He was then told by his form tutor that wasn't good enough and he'd never make the grade at any medical school that he wanted to apply for. No backup from the parents, apparently, and obviously none from the school. I won't name the school but it kind of rhymes with Fatima... Anyone familiar with West London will possibly make the connection.

Anyway, all his dreams were shattered by this twat of a tutor and the ignorance of his parents as to how this comment, and the lack of parental support made him feel.

So he jumped off Chiswick Bridge.

Being a talented rower, he knew that if he jumped off the middle he'd land in the water and not sustain any serious damage. So he jumped 50 ft onto the towpath.

Naturally all possibility of him being a rower is now out of the window, having suffered major fractures to both legs. If you think Eduardo's injury was bad this weekend, multiply it by 4.

Pushy parents and idiotic, delinquent form tutors. Why didn't they speak to him? I wish deep shit on them, and they deserve it. He certainly doesn't.

Time will tell. Also, the reports for that school won't look so good once OFSTED get hold of them. Particularly for one form tutor, whose name I have, and I will submit to OFSTED with the whole situation, but I sadly can't watch as he shits himself as he realises he, as a teacher, has fucked up one of his pupils for life out of pure stupidity. As for the parents, they're pariahs already. Nobody will talk to them.
(Sun 24th Feb 2008, 1:12, More)